Tuesday, December 11, 2012

What if kids are afraid of their parents?

I was watching some show on ID the other night that featured a little girl who'd been abducted, raped, tortured, and killed...and what happened to this little girl just makes me mad... 

She was 9...and was riding her bike home from school or something... 

A 16-yr old guy saw her passing by on the sidewalk in his neighborhood...and he just happened to be in his yard using the garden hose...and so he just hosed her down. He was not waiting there to stalk her or anything it just happened to work out this way...and he took advantage of it. 

So, she's just been hosed down by this guy and so...she stopped. She was very upset. Why? Because this very disturbed individual had entered her life and had now targeted her for harm? No! She was upset...because she was afraid to go home with her clothes all wet! She was afraid not of the predator who intended to harm her but of her parents!!!!!

Why would a little girl be afraid of her parents?

Would she be afraid of parents who had established a history of being a source of safety and comfort to her? No!

Would she be afraid of parents who had established a history of causing her pain when she displeased them? YES!

She realized that her parents would be displeased by her wet clothes and this made her afraid of her parents. Even though the wet clothes were not her fault she did not have the trust and confidence in her parents to go home and so instead...she sought refuge in a predator!!!

This is so messed-up it hurts me thinking about it! 

This was the way the guy got the little girl into his house...and out of her clothing...by doing something to her that made her afraid of her parents!!

Do you realize how insanely messed-up this is? This little 9-year old girl was more afraid of her parents finding out she'd gotten her clothes wet...than of going inside a stranger's house and getting naked!!!!!

What kind of world is this?!

Once she was out of her clothes, he duct-taped her and kept her under his bed (while he went to school and lived his life in general) for 2 days!?!?! And...when he was not busy being a normal 16-year old...he was busy doing awful things to her until she finally just died.

Shouldn't even just ONE situation like this be all the  evidence we need that punitive parenting... spanking... punishing... doing anything that makes a child afraid of the parent...is WRONG?! 

Sunday Schools and churches all over the US teach that this is the right way to parent!!! God's way!!!???

Good Lord!

Are your children afraid of you when something about them is displeasing to you? The only way that that could possibly not be a danger to your child would be if you were the most dangerous thing in the world...otherwise...you'd better change something because what if something more dangerous than you comes after your child but is less scary to them than you are? Then what? 

The only thing that your children should fear about you is being apart from you...

Ugh!!!!








Sunday, December 2, 2012

Consequences

I was just thinking about "consequences"...and Christian parenting...


If you are a Christian...and you were to commit some huge huge sin like say...cheat on your spouse…once you really came to grips with what you'd done…what would you do? Would you pray for God to forgive you and...help you fix what you've done?

If you got yourself hooked on drugs instead of hooked on phonics ;) would you pray to God to help you be relieved of your addiction or help you survive withdraw?

If you killed someone by drinking and driving or texting while driving (just any preventable irresponsible driving) would you pray to God for mercy with the court? For merciful sentencing? For peace for the affected families? Would you pray for favor in jail and to not be beaten up or abused by others?

Basically, if you really really messed up...would you run to God and beg Him to comfort you, help you fix your mess, and relieve you of some of the possible consequences of your error? Or, would you run from Him and expect Him to strike you with a lightning bolt and make your life worse and hurt you for what you've done?

We run to "the shelter of your wings" (Psalm 61:5) for protection, don't we?

We run to Him. 

He doesn't hurt us...sin does.
He doesn't punish us...sin does.

We know running from Him only leads us into more trouble and is likely what got us into trouble in the first place!

So, as a Christian parent…your desire is to parent as God does...right?

How much like God are you?

Does your child mess up and...run to you seeking help fixing their mess? Do they look to you right away for forgiveness? Do they come to you to find relief from the consequences of what they've done?

Or, do they run and hide from you? Do they do everything they can to keep you from knowing what they've done because now they're "in trouble?" Are they even able to think about the consequences of what they've done because they only thing on their mind is their fear of your wrath and the pain you are going to inflict on them because of what they've done?

To parent like God...your child should look to you for relief, protection, salvation from their sins...and if they "fear" you they only do so because they observe your "great and awesome power" to fix any problem...

They should "fear" (or stand in awe of) you because of your power over anything that attempts to hurt them even when they have caused it themselves...

They should never fear you because your power over them threatens to hurt them...because if they fear pain coming from you they have lost protection...your wings have become a source of pain and not shelter...and if they run from you...they will also run from God...and then they'll really be "in trouble..."



July 2004
2 weeks after bringing home our new Toyota Hiace Mini-van...
- - -

Oh, no! I should have put this 5 gal. bucket of latex paint away. Why'd I leave it in the driveway. Oh geez...I wonder who did this?

Ugh, oh! This can't be good...



Hi, Josh! So, what have you been doing???


Good thing this is latex paint!!!


Oh, and I see you've been playing with the dog, too, Josh. 
That's nice!!





Saturday, November 24, 2012

Wives with Knives

I like watching the TV station, "ID" and all the true-crime shows…Last night I was watching, "Wives with Knives" and there was one case involving a woman who'd killed her abusive boyfriend…and the FBI profiler was talking about signs of being an abused woman...and so...the topic of "abused woman" got me thinking…

If you Google, "signs of unhealthy relationship" you find lots of hits with generally the same list of indicators that you are in an abusive relationship…

(obviously the woman can be the abuser but I'm focusing on the ladies as the abused here)

Signs of being in an abusive relationship...
- he uses of physical force when he wants you to do what he wants
- he uses threats of physical force force 
- he will verbally abuse you (speak disrespectfully/impatiently, curse, call names, degrade, criticize)
- you feel afraid to disagree with him
- you feel ignored or dismissed by him
- you feel unheard and unable to communicate what you want
- he is in control (tells you what to do, where to do, what to wear, etc.)
- you have no personal space and have to share everything with him
- you feel isolated
- you feel stifled and trapped
- he makes all the decisions
- he lies to you
- he blames you for all the problems in the house
- you feel pressure to change to meet his standards
- he pushes, shoves, pinches, hits, punches, kicks or otherwise hurts you
- you constantly have to justify what you you, where you go, and who you associate with
- he presss you to do things you're uncomfortable with
- you find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior

So, you have a daughter…and you want her to grow up and marry a man who will love and cherish and respect her and not abuse her (as in the list above). How can you "train" her to recognize this treatment as abusive? How can you train her so that she won't end up as one of those ladies who stays in a relationship with a man who beats her for years and years...hiding her bruises and making excuses for his behavior? How can you protect your daughter from this?

Fortunately, for the Christian parent...God has promised that the way you raise her up she won't depart from when she's older. (for the non-Christian, you simply realize that what you teach your kids sticks with them)

So, what is your daughter learning about love and healthy relationships from her first relationship: the parent/child relationship? 

Is your daughter being taught by your example that a man who truly loves you will not ever:
- physically hurt her
- threaten to hurt her
- speak disrespectfully to her
- control her and make all decisions for her
- violate her privacy
- make her suffer for disagreeing with him
- ignore her
- isolate her
- lie to her
- manipulate her
- expect her to change
- make her do things she's uncomfortable with

That is what we all want, isn't it? We all want our daughters to know this and to never end up in a relationship like this, right?! We all want our daughters protected! So...in our parent/child relationship we are teaching them what healthy relationships look like...and this is the best way to protect her!

In teaching her by example with your love...do you…
- use physical force to get your daughter to do what you want? (does she get a spanking if she doesn't do what you say?)
- do you threaten your daughter to get her to do what you want? (You better stop that or you'll get a spanking!)
- do you yell at your daughter or speak to her disrespectfully? Do you call her names (brat!)? Do you criticize (you ALWAYS spill things!)?
- is your daughter free to argue with you if she disagrees with you...or do you punish her for "back-talking?"
- does your daughter ever cry all alone in her crib ignored and dismissed by you?
- do you decide when your daughter sleeps, gets up, eats, etc? Do you decide everything?
- does your daughter have items you do not interfere with (like a diary)? Do you knock before entering her room or before entering the bathroom if she is in there?
- does your daughter spend time feeling isolated (naughty step, time-out chair)
- does your daughter feel free?
- do you lie to your daughter? (Santa Claus is comin' to town! The Elf on the Shelf is watching you!) 
- do you manipulate her with your lies? (And, you better do as I say or Santa won't come!)
- does your daughter feel like she's acceptable as she is or is she pressed to improve/change constantly? (why wasn't that grade an A?)
- do you blame your daughter for problems in the house? (You are stressing Mommy out so bad!)
- do you push, pinch, shove, hit (spank) your daughter to make her do what you want?
- does your daughter have to constantly justify what she's doing and who she's with?
- do you make your daughter do things with her body she's uncomfortable with? (Sit on Santa's lap so I can take a picture while you cry! Kiss Uncle Bob good-bye!)

What lessons about true love are you giving her?

If parents are saying to their daughters that they love them…and that God loves them…and that this is why they do these things with their daughters…there is no way that upon graduating from that first school in life (the girl's parent/child relationship) that she is going to suddenly realize that anything other than being treated this way is "love." 

For your daughter...everything you do with her = love and how someone who loves her will treat her. You are her primary source of love now but one day it will be her husband and she will look for a man who loves her the way you have taught her that love is...

SONS...

And, for your sons…the same list goes in a different way…is your son being taught that to love a woman means to do all those things? Is your son being taught that that's how God expects him to love his family?

And, for both sons and daughters…since earthly parents are the child's first representation of how God is…is this how your children are being taught that God is?

CHALLENGE...

I challenge you to look at each of your interactions with your children today and ask yourself if what you just did or said is a sign of a healthy or abusive relationship. Ask yourself with each of your own interactions with your daughter...how you would feel to see your daughter's husband treat her that way...

Ask yourself if you need to make any changes...because, each child comes into the world with one question, "I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me!" And, everything you do or say to or around your child is answering that question...

HELP CHANGING...

If you find that you feel helpless to parent a child without spanking, threatening to spank, punishing, and controlling...if you find that you have no idea what to do if you don't do those things...click on the tab at the top about "books" and you will find a long list of books which can help you...and there are lots of great blogs out there like, "Aha! Parenting."

Also, you can check out "Olive Branch" on Facebook...which is an community of people who wish to stop spanking (etc.) and parent in a different way...

For testimonies of people who have stopped spanking: Olive Branch Blog




Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My report card

I was just thinking about self-esteem...and how much how you think about yourself effects what you do and how you succeed or not in life...

Well...

My 4 year old  gave me a report card the other night...how I'm doing with her...

me: I love you!
her: And, I love myself!
me: (smiling...beaming!!! and thinking, "wow where did that come from! Awesome!!!)
her: Do you love your self? (she separates the 2 words)
me: (ugh oh!)
her: Mom! Do you love your self?
me: (thinking I could say the right answer, "yes!" but that would be a lie! But, how can I tell her, "no!" That would mess her up! What do I do!)
her: Mom! Do you love your self?
me: (be a politician!!!) Do you think I should love myself?
her: Yes!
me: (hugging her) I love you!




Tori is my 8th child...and after many mistakes with my 1st 7...I can say that Tori...nursed on demand, slept with me (sleeps with me), has never been put in time-out, never had toys taken from her, never been hit by me (spanked), never been yelled at or threatened (punished at all basically)...all the things Gary Ezzo, Michael Pearl, and James Dobson (for example) would say are big no-no's!!!

And, how is this teaching working out for Tori?
What's the fruit say?

“Beware of the false prophets who publish Christian child-training manuals that teach you to spank and control your children, who come to you in sheep’s clothing proclaiming to be speaking for Me, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. 

You will know them by their fruits. Like how Gary Ezzo's kids have disowned him...and how all the studies and research have shown that this type of parenting leads to more aggressive kids with self-esteem issues!!!

Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. So, if your toddler is a monster or your teen won't talk to you and is disrespectful it's because the tree you've planted with that advice you're following...the advice and what you've been doing is bearing its fruit. A good tree or book of parenting advice cannot produce bad fruit or a terrible two or a rebellious teen, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. As in not spanking or punishing my daughter can't produce a good, happy, polite, not terrible toddler or 4-year old. 

Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. If you've got unhappy naughty kids get rid of those books you're reading and quit spanking and punishing! 

So then, you will know them by their fruits.
Matthew 7


Monday, November 19, 2012

Pain!!

I was just thinking about how the function of pain... 

Romans 1…remember? Says that everything we wanna know about God is evident/obvious thru what He's made because it's clearly seen in the Creation and in us.

So, just take a look at the human brain. We know it's made by God...designed by God...and looking at it either from a Creationist perspective or even from the findings of evolutionary scientists they all come to the same conclusions about how our brains come wired. Our brains are pre-wired to do a lot of things...and one thing it's pre-wired to do is avoid pain.

This is God's loving way of helping us. And, as the Bible says, "He's placed the truth on our hearts." He's wired certain things into us for our own good. 

Another thing that science has shown is that social isolation activates the same area of the brain as physical pain. Being cut off from others doesn't just figuratively or poetically "hurt" us...it's literal. 

So, following God's design of pain avoidance would "save us" from so much in life, wouldn't it? Think of all the negative consequences to sin in life…they're all painful! For example...

Stealing has painful consequences because it hurts those who are stolen from and can result in social isolation (jail)…

Adultery has painful consequences because it destroys relationships and separates us from those we love…

Jealousy has painful consequences because it isolates from the one you're jealous of…

Lying causes relationship troubles...

...and so on...

All those things have negative or painful consequences in our relationships, personal lives, and bodies (health via stress) true? And, so the natural design inside us to avoid pain should keep us away from things that cause us pain...and on a daily basis this would be one way God would be saving us from our own sin! (Paul referred to being saved as a process...not a 1 time thing) It's a beautiful safety design by God, really! Like a permanent helmet or seat belt! 

Christian parents wanna parent as God desires. They want to know "What is God's will for my child?" "What is God's plan for my child?" "What is God's will for me as a parent?"

Again…Romans 1 has the answer…and I believe most parents would agree that it's pretty obvious we parents are wired to be vigilant of our children's safety. We all feel that protectiveness and worry about kids running out into the street,we strap them into car seats, tell them to "be careful" when playing, etc. That protectiveness is always there. So, we're wired to protect and they are wired to avoid pain. Pretty good combination.

As society changes so do the dangers. So, our children aren't necessarily "wired" to look at a stove burner and see that it's red and red = pain. Really, red = pretty and "touch me!" So, our children need taught what dangers are in the world they've been born into.

That's where we parents come in...God's done half the work for us and all we have to do is work with it. It's a beautiful design.

So, our child is born in the age of electricity and gadgets. Our child lives in a house with an electric stove. The child touches a burner when it's on. We hear the child's cry, we respond and we tend to do two main things. We attempt to minimize/stop the pain and help the child understand what has just happened, "See! When it's all bright, shiny, pretty and red it's HOT and OWWIE! Hurts!!! No touchy!!!" 

The parent's part in the child's life is to minimize pain and heal the natural consequences of their bad choices…and point them toward the truth. 

It's beautiful. We're just like God…the healer…protector…savior…and source of truth for our children! All because we're made in His image and all with the goal of pointing our child toward God!

But, now…imagine that the child goes back and touches that red hot burner again! And, again! And AGAIN! What if the child would touch that hot stove purposely every time you turned it on!? Eventually, you would likely take the child to a psychologist because you'd realize something is very wrong!

Why would it be wrong?

It's just not natural to willingly engage in something that's painful! It's not natural and not God's design at all to willingly do things that hurt us. God's wired our brains to avoid pain and we all know that even without a degree in neuroscience. If our child was willingly touching that hot stove every day we'd just know something was wrong. 

Imagine also that child…touching the hot stove and being burned every day and not reacting at all to it! If the child was having no reaction to the pain, then, the alarm bells would really be going off, wouldn't they? You would really know that something is very VERY wrong with the child! Right? 

Most "Christian" parenting books tell parents that it is God's will for them to strike their children on the butt to cause pain to teach them lessons. The logic is the same as in the hot stove - the teaching believes that it is teaching the child that if they do "X" and they get pain and so they will be deterred from doing whatever it is ever again.

This philosophy and teaching does have an element of truth mixed into it because yes, the brain is wired to avoid pain. But, let's look at "what pain" and "what the brain is identifying to avoid."

(Oh, I get it...element of truth...haha)

In the example of touching the hot stove, the lesson learned by the child's choice/actions is touching the hot stove = pain. This is a direct cause/effect lesson. Not all lessons are so straightforward and direct. Some cause/effect relationships between bad activities need help in being pointed out because the effect is much less obvious or direct.

For example, "Don't pull the dog's ears because you will hurt the dog and make the dog turn mean" is a lesson that a child can't learn by pulling the dog's ears once. They must be reasoned with and taught that lesson because little children don't have the mental capacity for "empathy" and the result of the "dog turning mean" could take years. To help a child learn this cause/effect relationship to choices/actions like this takes a lot of patience and time. One disciplinary moment in a situation like this can take 5-15 minutes because of the time it takes to help the child understand what you want them to see.

In the case of the hot stove, obviously the cause/effect is "child chooses to touch = pain of being burned" and the child learns that quickly.

In the case of pulling the dog's ears the cause/effect is much more complex and the parent is required to help the child see that.

But, most Christian parenting books and Christian parents believe that the proper way to demonstrate cause/effect to the child in the 2nd more complex case is to provide the pain themselves in the form of a spanking/smacking.

If it was a question on a school paper they see it as:

Burn is to hot stove as…spanking is to pulling dog's ears

But, that's not correct.

In order for that to be true it would have to read, "Spanking is to touching hot stove as spanking is to pulling dog's ears."

When you look at it that way you should be able to see the problem.
The correct answer would be this, "Burn is to hot stove as...mean hurt dog is to pulling dog's ears"

"The parent's part in the child's life is to minimize pain and heal the natural consequences of their bad choices…and point them toward the truth."
Neither of these things happen when the parent takes on the form of the consequence. The parent unnaturally becomes the amplifier or source of pain (rather than minimizer/healer) and the parent points the child toward the punishment...

Parents who become the source of the pain ruin the child's opportunity to learn the true cause and effect relationship to their actions and pain by skipping the "discipling" part and opting instead for "punishment". It's swift. It's fast. It seems to work. 

Worse than that...What is REALLY happening when a child is being taught to willingly submit to spankings?

When I was "taught" to spank in Sunday School class (that place where we learn about the savior…the prince of peace and author of love and life!) I was taught that any resistance on the child's part is equivalent to "rebellion" and must be "dealt" with. Usually with additional swats or a 2nd spanking.

But, if a child who would touch a hot stove willingly and not react is a sign of a child who needs to see a psychiatrist…what in the world do we think we're teaching kids when we follow thru with the spanking philosophy that expects children to willingly submit to painful stimuli with no protest? We're failing to teach our children cause and effect as God wishes them to learn based on how He designed the world to work…and we're unwiring what God has wired in the child's brain with regards to pain response.

We're parenting against God's design!

For a child to walk willingly into a room where they are about to be hit/hurt/inflicted with pain (spanked) and not do anything "defensive" (like put their hands over their butts or say "no!!!") and then to react almost thankfully and give a hug and not stomp off or cry loudly…WHAT is that doing to their brains which are wired BY GOD to RESIST and AVOID pain!?

The system God put into the child's brain for their safety, protection, health, and futures…is knocked awry by parents who are not really thinking things thru! And, rather than learning to avoid "the action" due to its natural painful consequence…the child ultimately learns to avoid the parent because the parent is the source of the pain. And, by extension then, Christian children learn that if parents = pain…so does God. They learn to believe that when bad things happen in life it's because "God is punishing them."

Remember God said…"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge."

So, a child who is trained to ignore pain and not taught proper cause and effect for their actions and taught only to expect punishment is going to be at risk for all types of dangers. And, mostly because they will always be in danger of not being able to equate their actions and choices with potential harm…

They will only be able to look at their actions and choices in light of the fear of potential punishment…and without the direct supervision of the punisher (thru whom they look to for all "consequences") the child will be lost. That child will never be free. And, "it was for freedom that Christ set us free…" 

I've said it before...
I'd rather that my child fears running out into the street because he fears getting hit by a car...not by me. I won't always be there in the street...but the cars always will be...

Which does your child fear? 




Matthew 18
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, "Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes!


Monday, November 12, 2012

Look up!


Sometimes the best most interesting thoughts I get come from my teenagers…

I was talking to my 19-year old (who is currently in police academy) the other day and he mentioned that humans don't look up. He says that's why snipers often are in a position up high…

He said it's why often in ancient times that when they wanted to protect a city they'd put guards on the rooftops because bad guys would attack from above. He mentioned a bunch of other examples that all boiled down to the fact that humans are vulnerable from above because we're not wired…to look up for danger.

Right away, of course, I realize this means something. 

Romans 1…says…
"…that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse."

So…humans…aren't wired to expect danger or harm or pain from above…this is to tell us something from within and without…

God was really awesome to leave this type of truth for us in the Creation. We can't change physics. Gravity is always the same. Biology is always the same. It's just a matter of discovering it and uncovering the truth it's intended to tell us! No one's culture, language, or bad translations can take those unchangeable truths from us. 

So, if humans are not wired to expect attack from above…what would this tell us about God?

First of all…it would tell us that we don't need to be afraid of God. Bad things don't happen because of God. God doesn't attack us. God is not a source of pain. When we do look up "toward the heavens" we see the beautiful sky…and for the most part looking up brings us relaxation and pleasure.

Second of all…what about small people? (More commonly known as kids?) Children are noticeably smaller than adults, aren't they? All their lives until they hit reproductive maturity they are generally forced to spend their whole lives looking up. So, just like adults…when children "look up" at us, what do they see? Do they see something to make them feel at peace? Do they look at us and find refuge and a reason to breathe a sigh of relief? Do they look up at us and sometimes find themselves in awe of us? Or, have we driven them to go against the way God made them and have given them something to be afraid of?

God has wired humans to not look up to expect an attack, that would seem to tell me that as the parent…as the one the child is looking up to…that I should not be a threat...yet that is exactly how most children live.

God has wired humans so that we aren't to look up for danger, yet, pick up just about any "Christian" parenting book and you'll find the instruction give your child something to fear from above. And, according to statistics most children in America live in perpetual fear of their parents hitting them on their butts with something every time they are naughty.

Seems to me something's off…

Is hitting our children on the butt with something to cause them pain (spanking) when they're naughty really God's way or not? With the debate over this truth and the battle of the verses forever waging how can we know?

I'd say we actually do know…because God says He's made it clear and evident to us…so if we're ignorant of it it's because we have "suppressed the truth in unrighteousness"…and that makes Him mad.

And, because of this suppression…we end up raising people who expect what God has wired them not to: to expect pain from Him.

And, the end result of raising up children to fear their parents is that in 2012 we have a church who believes that God has a "plan" for everything and that everything (including bad/painful things) that happens is part of it. Even if they believe He's not doing it He's allowing it (and therefore still responsible). Every terrible fearsome act that happens on the planet gets attributed to having "come down from above"…

Despite what Romans 1 says… (everything knowable about God is knowable thru the Creation)
Despite what James says… (every good and perfect gift comes from above)
Despite what the life and sacrifice of Jesus says… 

The church can fuss about elections. Fuss about the "non-Christians" pushing their agendas. But, the real enemy…the real "anti-Christ" is anything that puts itself against the knowledge of Christ…and that is what most Christian parents are actually doing when they teach their children to look up and be afraid…which is why God can lament, "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge…"





Thursday, October 18, 2012

Imagine a world run by un-spanked adults


I have a lot thoughts running around my head throughout any day, really, and lately it's been too much to focus on one particular thing to actually write about. Sometimes what it takes to make my brain find a target is a post like this on a friend's wall to bring some thoughts to the surface and bubble over onto "paper!"



What would a world look like if it were run by adults who'd never been struck by their parents? People who got rewarded just for trying even if they didn't win?

Statistics would indicate that most of us know that fear that we felt as children when we'd done something that we knew our parents weren't going to like. Sometimes we had done it on purpose, and sometimes it was an accident, but we knew either way "we were in trouble" and we were "gonna get it." When we knew we were "in trouble" the farthest thing from our minds at that point was "what we'd done" or "how to fix what we'd done" but what was foremost on our minds was "what we had comin'!" True? Ai yai yai! We could almost feel the paddle on our butts, our skin almost prickling from the thought of it, and we would have done anything to avoid it! (Even now, it makes my butt feel a little weird just remembering!) 

I have 8 children ages 25 to 4. Right before my 4 year old was born our household went thru a huge huge change: we stopped using spanking as a parenting method.

For years I was familiar with all the reactions that children who "know what's coming" had when caught doing wrong. 

Among the reactions are things like:

hiding
You get a report from another kid that one did something naughty. When you investigate, the perp can't be found anywhere!

denial and lying
You find the hiding one and say, "What did you do?" 
"Nothing!"
Or, you ask, "Who broke this thing?"
"Not me!!!!"

blaming
"My brother made me do it!!!"

begging for mercy while holding hands over their bottoms

Something important is there in all those reactions. All of the reactions that the children had to doing wrong were focused on what?

The punishment.

Those children…when they make mistakes…clearly fear punishment…of that there is no doubt. And, many of those children who are instilled with a sincere and real fear of punishment are effectively deterred from ever doing the same "wrong" thing again. 

But, is that really what we wanna be taught and teach our children: to fear punishment?

Is "fearing punishment" a good character quality? Is it what we look for in leaders? Is it what we look for in mates? I mean, do you listen to political campaigns and hear them professing proudly, "Vote for me! I will balance the budget and I fear punishment!" Do you log onto online dating and look for potential mates who "fear punishment?" 

That would be silly. We don't look to leaders who "fear" or base their decisions on "fear" because "fear" is not a noble quality. Fear is the quality of cowards, isn't it? Fear is focused on "me."

So, as I mentioned earlier…my 8th child has never been struck. She's never been punished. I don't take her toys, make her go to bed early, yell at her, or sit her in time-outs. So, she basically is to become what the image on my friend's wall "fears" for the future of our nation. What if our nation's future leaders were all raised like this? 

What horror awaits us?

She has given me a glimpse of what the future holds...and I will now share it with you...

A few days ago she and my 7-year old were sitting in the back seat while we were driving down the road. They were talking to each other about something that had to do with a recent "naughty behavior" event…

Then, my 4-year old turns her attention to me and says to me: 

"Mom! When we be bad, you need to forgive us, or we will be sad." 

This is how she sees being caught being bad. 

Where is her focus?

What does she fear?

What does she expect and hope for?

"When we be bad you need to forgive us or we will be sad."

Her focus is not on punishment.
Her focus is on the relationship.
She does not fear punishment.
She fears the breach in the relationship caused by the "naughtiness."
She hopes for and expects restoration when a relationship is breached.

The thing she fears as the "worst thing" that can happen from being bad…is that if I don't forgive her then that will make her sad. 

I thought about this some more in the days after she said it and I realize that yes, when she is "bad":

She doesn't hide. 
She doesn't deny having done it or lie about what she's done. 
She doesn't blame her siblings.
She doesn't put her hands over her butt and look afraid. 

She doesn't fear me at all so...she comes right to me and tells me what happened and immediately asks me to forgive her. 

So, I ask…What horror would befall our great nation if our leaders were to be raised this way?

Imagine a politician who...doesn't hide from his mistakes...
Imagine a politician who doesn't deny wrongdoing or...lie?!!!!!
Imagine a president who doesn't blame the other party for the country's problems...
Imagine a politician more focused on restoring the country and fixing it's problems than avoiding the wrath of any particular group?

Yes...just imagine...



I'm not alone in finding that meme annoying. Someone else did, also, and posted it March 1, 2013 on Facebook with a few corrections ;)



Thursday, October 11, 2012

1970's discussion in 2012


It's hard not to get frustrated watching two politicians dance around a touchy topic. Especially, when I expect grown-ups to be smart. Frustrated by their skirting a certain issue I run to type on my computer...and this is what I was thinking...

Let's imagine there is a land developer who has some old properties he wants to blow up/bring down so that he can build a shopping center or something. It's his property. His money. His future. His right to do with his own property as he chooses.

So, the whole demo team is there one day to blow up the building. Just as they're about to push the button…some guy with a Peta shirt comes running into the area, "No! Stop! Don't! There's a momma labrador retriever in there with a buncha' puppies! Stop!"

Now. The property owner could react a few ways.

One way he could react would be to look up and see this whack-job environmental rights tree hugging Peta fella' running at him...roll his eyes and say, "Get outta' here you whack-job environmentalist tree hugger! What the hell do you know about my building?" Then, without investigating the claim, proceed as planned and blow up the building. 

And, if the land developer did that…that would say something about him, wouldn't it?

Another way the guy could react would be to look up and see this whack-job environmental rights tree hugging Peta fella' running at him…roll his eyes…signal to his demo team to "wait", sigh, shake his head, and say, "What are you talking about? Why do you say this?" and actually listen to the guy. Then, still rolling his eyes and feeling quite annoyed…he could actually send in a team to investigate to see if there really is a momma lab and puppies in that building or not. 

And, if the land developer did that…that would also say something about him, wouldn't it?

Which of the two reactions would you think is more intelligent? More foolish?

The way I see it…the first way is the way both sides of the political debate handle the abortion question. One side looks like a buncha' radical whack-jobs wanting to stop people from doing with their own property what they want. The other side just looks at disgust at the claims and without investigating…simply proceeds.

Back when abortion was pushed into legalization it was a whole different world when it came to information and facts. We didn't have Google. We didn't have the Internet. We didn't have all pregnant ladies going for ultrasounds and books full of prenatal photography. We didn't have neurobiologists investigating the development of the human brain all the way back to the moment of conception and writing books about it. Back in the 70's all we had were these ancient things called libraries and those libraries...were not full of books with fetal photography, or books written by neurobiologists that could tell us "what" the abortion debate was discussing.

What we had back in the 70's was the news. It wasn't even on 24/7 but you had to watch it at certain times of the day or you missed it. What we had were some powerful people making the news as they were trying to legalize something they felt strongly about. This something was something that the general public was completely ignorant about and had no way of personally investigating or challenging the catchy slogans and inflated and false statistics. 

These slogans and false data appealed not to some evil baby-killing lust of the American public. No! Slogans like, "It's my body my choice!", "Keep the government off my body" and all the false/mis-representational data like calling the baby "a cluster of cells" and "the products of conception" appealed to the empathic, loving, and trusting side of the American public who felt that this was a reasonable and helpful way to get women out of a tough situation. 

What annoys and frustrates me listening to these "educated" people in politics and others on TV when they discuss abortion is that their discussion is still back in the 70's. Their discussion hasn't progressed to 2012, Google, and modern technology. We still argue slogans, rhetoric, and misrepresented data. The actual facts are kept far away from the discussion because most people don't think any farther than their parents threw them (they just believe what they were raised to believe) or because some know that as soon as the facts are exposed then the entire discussion will have to change. 

I've seen this happen in my own life...

See…back a few months ago I was faced with such a turning point in my own life. Starting in 2010 I'd started pounding on the weight. I could feel it. And, it troubled and effected me all the time. I argued with myself about it round and round every day. It troubled me when I shopped for clothes. I was uncomfortable in public. But, do you know what I would not do? I would not weigh myself.

Not only would I not weigh myself but I also got MAD whenever someone even hinted at the truth by say…taking a photo of me. My oldest daughter was scared into never EVER daring to post ANY photos of me on Facebook lest she endure my wrath! Yes! If I saw full body photos of me they incited me to feel anger.

The truth hurts. And, so when we don't want to hear it we get mad, don't we?

In all my years I've not once seen any intelligent discussion on TV about abortion where the facts were discussed. Only rhetoric, slogans, and opinions. Everyone arguing over who should be able to decide the fate of the not born human based on...opinions and slogans. 

But, ya know…back to my imaginary land developer situation...it would not matter how that momma labrador and her puppies got into the building or who owned it…the only thing that an intelligent person could do when faced with the dilemma of, "if you do this someone or something might die" is to investigate and find out the truth.

The only intelligent thing for that imaginary land developer to do would be to go in and see if there really is a dog in there or not…and to base his decision and discussion about his building on that. 

If upon investigation he would discover there really was a dog in there as asserted by the guy he saw as a whack-job...once his error has been proven...the only intelligent thing for him to then do would be for him to approach the whack-job environmentalist and say, "My hat's off to ya. You were right." And, THEN…proceed with blowing up his building.

Or, if he goes into the building and sees that it's just a buncha' old stuffed animals…then the intelligent (and probably fun thing) for him to do would be for him to come out…drop the evidence at the whack-job's feet and ask, "Can I now proceed?" And, at that moment the only intelligent thing for the environmentalist to do would be to say, "My apologies. Thank you for checking."

Right?

So, whose right is it to decide when a human being is to have their life ended unnaturally if that human being has not yet left the uterus? Who has the right to "push the button" and "bring down the building?" The "property owner?" 

Obviously, the woman should have the right to decide to do with her own body whatever she would choose…as long as the claims of what is INSIDE that body are investigated first.

And, so far…they haven't been.

This is why the discussion continues because as long as the discussion is about opinions...the discussion will never end. Everyone's opinions are equally valid. But, facts are facts.

Both sides are really stubbornly displaying their childish ignorance by sticking to the slogans and technology of the 70's. The anti-abortion side has not done their homework and is generally uneducated about what's "in the building". They stick to the old slogans and to pulling the "God Card." And, the pro-abortion side is like me not wanting to stand on the scale. Show them a photo of an aborted baby and watch the anger erupt (almost as bad as me when my daughter would post fat pics of me on Facebook!) 

Right now…our country is stuck in the 70's, not looking at the scale, justifying whatever they want to do and getting mad at anyone who wants them to step on the scale and face the facts.

No one…would have a problem telling that land developer what he could or could not do with his own property if it was an indisputable fact that there was a momma lab and puppies in that building who'd be killed if he blew up his own property. No one would cry that the government was imposing its morality on him to stop him from killing that family of dogs. No one would think of themselves as anti-land-developing if they joined in to stop the man from blowing up the building. 

And, if that man focused on asserting his rights as a man and a land owner and insisted on his right to ignore the claims that there was a family of dogs in his building and he insisted on his right to blow up his building without interference…if he asserted that this decision was to be made between him and his finance director in the privacy of his own office...and that it was no one else's business…yes…that man would sound like what?

The land developer could say, "Well! It's not MY dog! I didn't put that dog in there!" And, use that excuse to justify proceeding with the demolition. 

The land developer could say, "My ex-wife put that dog in there just to cause me problems!" And, use that excuse to justify proceeding with the demolition.

But, it wouldn't matter how the dogs got in there would it? The only thing that would matter in the decision whether or not to demolish that building or not would be "are there live dogs in that building?"

So, rape? Incest? Some people wanna try to say they're, "pro-Life"...but...with exceptions. They think they're holier and more noble than the plain old, "pro-Choicers." But, the pro-lifers-with-exceptions have the SAME OPINION as the pro-choicers...and that is, "If I feel/agree that the woman's pregnancy is very unpleasant then she should be able to abort." The difference between the pro-choicers and pro-lifers-with-exceptions is the scale of unpleasantness. Pro-choicers find financial stress or deprivation of schooling to be unpleasant enough to abort. Pro-lifers-with-exceptions believe that being raped would be unpleasant enough. They think they have different beliefs but they both believe the same thing. "If I feel the woman's pregnancy is very unpleasant then I agree she can end it unnaturally." That's it. Neither of them address the only thing that makes a difference and that is, "what is it!"

Unless the essence of what is conceived is completely different when the conception occurs in a very unpleasant or traumatic manner...then the discussion of the pleasantness of the conception is all a matter of opinion and is therefore completely irrelevant. 

If that life conceived even during a traumatic act of sex is a human being…alive and growing...then that changes the discussion. And, that's the question that needs to be openly discussed by both sides.

In the last 40 years it's been 50 million abortions in the US?

We'd better hope that once the intelligent discussion is opened up, that it turns out that those claiming that there's a LIFE inside "that building" are wrong…'cause if you can imagine the fuss there'd be if a building owner went ahead and blew up a building and in the rubble they found a momma dog and some puppies after all? Can you imagine the Facebook pages, petitions, boycotts, websites, and news reports about this horrible, selfish, stupid man who just recklessly brought down that building even tho' the Peta guy had come and told him the little animal lives were inside there? That's the ruckus that'd start over one momma dog and some puppies destroyed because some man decided to do with his own building what he wanted to without thoroughly investigating the claims that there was life in the building…and this is over dogs...so imagine the ruckus there should be over the US gov't allowing 50 million human babies to be destroyed…

I wonder if I'll ever see such an open discussion in my lifetime? Old habits die hard, and this is a 40 year long cultural "habit" with too many people who are "guilty" of promoting the abortion culture that I doubt we'll ever be brave enough for it to happen...

For me...I had to get sick and end up in the hospital on a scale to see what I weighed...

I wonder what that will be for the US? What will make us finally "step on the scale" and see what's really "in that building?"

- - -

Fetal photography of a legally abortable 20 week old female...


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