Princes and Princesses on the Inside

So, I was just watching, "La Rosa de Guadeloupe" again...and of course it got me thinking... 

La Rosa de Guadeloupe is a Spanish soap, made in Mexico, that I watch to help me learn better Spanish. It's a 1 hour program that has a start-to-finish complete story each day and...it's actually a Catholic show. I'm not Catholic, but, I sure appreciate the stories as each one has a "moral" it's trying to teach. (Sometimes the crazy show even brings tears to my eyes, but, don't tell anyone!)

Yesterday's program was about having beauty on the inside...and of course...it made me think of parenting...

In the program, a girl who was known as, Julie the horrendous! was an "ugly nerd" of a girl who'd fallen in love with a light-haired, blue-eyed popular guy who had a pretty popular girlfriend. He got his license and while fumbling with his cell phone had an accident in his car which left him in a coma.

The popular pretty girlfriend showed up and saw him lying in his hospital bed and made a remark to herself that, "she didn't want to see this." and left. Never to return to his bedside.

The nerdy girl showed up and was caught stroking his face by the mom and the mom assumed that she was the girlfriend. The nerdy girl let her think that and returned to the hospital to read to, groom, and massage the feet of the boy she loved every day.

When the boy awoke he was blind.

By the end of the story, the whole family knows what's happened with the nerdy girl and the popular girlfriend. The boy rejects his pretty popular girlfriend for her lack of anything inside, and tells the nerdy girl that she's the most beautiful girl he's ever known.

<dreamy sigh>

This is what we all know and yearn for, isn't it? For someone to love us for who we are on the inside? Yet, we women rarely encourage ourselves with this because all we see are the outsides.

1 Peter 3:3-4

Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

So, it made me wonder about how do we encourage this inner beauty in our children? How do we encourage our daughters, especially, to see this inner beauty in themselves first and foremost rather than their external bodies...and how do we encourage our sons to see it as well?

We moms do focus at some point every day on grooming with our daughters and dressing them up, but how do we fill them with that imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious on the sight of God? How do we "dress our daughters up" on the inside so that God feels that same excitement we feel when we see our daughter all dressed up smiling happily in her princess dresses?

A lot of "religious" parents and parenting books actually focus on "breaking the child's will." They feel that this is the way to raise up a child who is good on the inside. But, the verse doesn't say, "a submissive and passive spirit." It says, "gentle and quiet."

Gentleness and quietness are choices. If gentleness is a precious quality to God it must be so only because the person has a choice to be rough. Gentleness is a powerful choice that a person who can be rough makes out of empathy and love for the person with whom they are relating, and it is, therefore, precious in the sight of God.

A child whose will has been broken has no choice but to be passive and submissive, which robs them of all "virtue" in their choices. And, no matter how complacent someone with a broken will is, they are not doing it out of selfLESSness (which is a choice) but out of selfISHness because it is a self-defensive mode or it's simply a programmed reaction to a situation.

Many "religious" people focus on a few verses in their child rearing which focus on judgment and punishment and demand certain behaviors from their children, but if this inner quality of gentleness and quietness (peace) is precious to God...and if He's said that causing a child to stumble makes Him so mad you'd be better off tied to a rock and tossed into the ocean and drowned! then there certainly must be some significant child-rearing advice in the Bible beyond just a few verses that imply we're to whack our kids, wouldn't you think? Especially since what's in the heart can't be forced. Wouldn't there therefore be verses teaching us how to get to the child's heart?

The 1 Peter verse also tells us something important about focusing on the externals...

"Your adornment must not be merely external..."

"Merely", btw, is in italics in the Bible version that I am quoting. This means that that word doesn't appear in the original text. It was likely added so as to not make it look like God was suggesting we all go around looking slovenly. ;) But, the verse really says, "your adornment must not be external"

We all recognize that we aren't to focus on our externals to make us OK with God. The Pharisees were called, "whitewashed tombs" by Jesus for their external focus.

We aren't "saved by works but by grace."

In Isaiah it calls our good works, "filthy rags."

We parents need to realize that focusing on our children's behaviors is focusing on those external adornments. It's washing the outside of the cup. It's trying to wring out those filthy rags.

But again! How do we focus on the internal?
How do we cultivate an inside that is "precious in the sight of God" in our children?

So, what advice IS in the Bible to parents? So many, "oldies but goodies" that we all know get overlooked in parenting because they don't specifically say, "Parents do this with your children..."

"It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance."

"Judge not."

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

And, if we remember that God is our Father...and we are His children...these verses really tell us how to treat not only our neighbor but our children...

Ephesians 5:1-3

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (the Lord's discipline doesn't make a child angry. Does your discipline make your children angry? If so, it's not God's way...)

Colossians 3:21

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

John 3:17

For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.

John 13:34

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

1 Peter 2:21+

For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats (if you guys don't stop it I'm going to punish you!!!), but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross (He didn't punish us), so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. (Parents think kids must "suffer consequences" to learn...but when Jesus suffered through our misdeeds and poor choices we were healed of them...we were not healed of our sin by being punished for them!!!) For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.

John 13:15

For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you.

This is how God works to get to our hearts to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in His sight. This is how He endures our "naughty behavior" and the fruit He gets. This is how God "brushes our hair" on the inside..."dresses us up" on the inside...and makes us look like princes and princesses on the inside... 

You can either cling to a few verses in Proverbs and judge and hit your children and groom them on the outside only by focusing on the filthy rags...or you can follow Jesus' example and go therefore and make disciples of your children. Jesus said we could be known by our fruits...

Tori Story! Fruit that says your'e not a failure!

I think most parents judge themselves and base their "goodness" or "badness" as a parent on how their children perform in one area in particular: obedience. If a child is obedient I think we (and others watching) feel like "we're doing a good job."

But, I don't think so.

Saturday night my 4 year old came running out of the bedroom holding the puppy. My husband was tailing her and saying things like, "Tori! You never listen to me!" He was quite frustrated with her and she was doing her best to not listen to him, it was obvious.

I caught it that she'd been manhandling the dog in a way he felt was too rough and had commanded her to put him down which is when her arms held the puppy even more tightly and she took off with him. Virgil was talking at her in his frustrated voice and just kept telling her, "You don't LISTEN to me!"

I was watching her and it wasn't just her words but all of her communication was telling him to go away. Her body was turned from him, her head was turned and her eyes were looking away from him.

Finally, she was turned the whole way away from him and she was kicking against his legs and saying, "Shut uuuuuup!" and "Go awaaaaaay!"

Dejected and feeling like a complete loser of a dad, Virgil sorta' just hung his head and walked away.

I was actually preoccupied with something else and just not feeling like bothering getting involved (loser me!) So, I was just mopping the floor thinking about how strong the Pinesol smelled...and in a few minutes Tori pushes past me and says she "needs to go tell Dad something."

I hadn't talked to her or anything, right? I'd not scolded her, lectured her, or prompted her to do anything! Now, I was interested!! :) I put the mop down and had to follow and see what she was gonna do!

So, she went and found him and walked right up to him and said, "I'm sorry I was being mean to you." 

She then asked forgiveness and then told him why she wasn't listening to him. She was like, "I wanted to do this..." Explaining her case.

(I think it's also noteworthy that she saw what a lot of parents see as "disobedience" as "herself being mean.")

This is what spontaneously came out of my 4 year old who has never been spanked, punished, OR even told, "Go tell so-n-so you're sorry!!!!" Never done that kinda' stuff with her. BUT, what we have done with her is modeled those behaviors ourselves...

We parents make mistakes. And, I feel from what I'd observed that in Virgil's effort to do what he thought he needed to it wasn't so much that she "wasn't listening" it was that he was failing to make himself heard by his "telling her what to do" approach. This would be why she was rejecting him.

He said afterwards that he felt like a failure and always does because the kids "don't listen to him." But...I asked...what do we want? Do we want kids who grow up to be "obedient" adults? (The Nazis were obedient adults) 

Or, do we want kids who will become grown-ups who will stand up for what they want, stand up for what's right, reject temptations and even commands to do wrong, and when they feel someone has been offended by them to immediately go and make peace with that person?

You can beat obedience into a kid. You can make a kid grow up to be an obedient adult. But, the 2nd type? You can't force that. In fact, "punishing" and "spanking" kids really makes this whole scenario impossible. Tori did this out of her own heart's desire to fix what she felt was wrong and she clearly FELT bad for how she'd treated her dad. Her focus was on the failings of her own behavior that she all on her own identified as her "being mean."

You can train a kid to go apologize...out of compulsion and perhaps after years of it can make them form a habit. But, the sincere desire Tori had in her heart that compelled her from the inside to go fix what she'd done wrong can only come from love...never fear.

So, why does a little girl that has so much love for her mom n' dad...who feels so safe in her relationship with them..."disobey?" 

A dear friend of mine reminded me of Jesus' words that, "If you love Me you will obey my commands" so maybe it all comes down to the relationship at the moment? And, maybe if our children "disobey" maybe we need to focus on encouraging their love...not obedience? If Jesus says that we will obey if we love Him? What comes first is the love and the obedience follows? Not, that our children must prove they love us by obeying? 

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it all out. 

BUT...what I do know for sure is that the whole thing with not spanking/hitting them...pays off for us in the end. I have had kids who I did spank/hit for disobedience, and, they never did stuff like this spontaneous apology. They were always too concerned with "covering their own butts" that they couldn't really see what they were doing in a situation like that...as tho' the huge threat of pain stood between them and the mirror that they needed to look into to see themselves. All they saw was the threat of that hiney whackin'!!! And, with that monster looming over them all they could do was attack it...with rationalizations, denials, excuses, and counter attacks...

Perfect love casts out fear. 

Tori's not afraid of us.

I guess it could be said equally in reverse...fear casts out perfect love.

It's a sickening thought to think of what would change in our relationship with Tori if we were to begin to focus on punishment and spanking/hitting her for not obeying!

And...you definitely reap what you sow. 

The fruit is delicious and nutritious ;)

"It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance"

The Strength of Your Child's Will!

A discussion recently about the book, "Breaking Their Will," has had me thinking. Someone asked me what would be my idea of where the line would be between "breaking their will" and "breaking their spirit". Thinking about it, I feel that they're the same thing. And, I thought then, "Why would you want to break their will at all?"

Really, if you think about it…what gets you outta' your comfy warm bed in the morning?
Your will.

What keeps you from eating that slice of chocolate cake when you're on a diet?
Your will.

What keeps you from blowing all your money at the mall on stuff you don't need?
Your will.

What keeps you from flippin' the bird to that person who just pulled out in front of you and almost caused an accident?
Your will.

What keeps you from trying drugs?
Your will.

What is it that keeps you from picking up your phone and reading/replying to that text while you're driving?
Your will.

What is it we all wish when we have issues with our weight? 
More WILL POWER.

Everything in life that makes us into productive contributors to society involves our will.

So, in practice, we all know that to have a "strong will" is a good thing. It's a desirable thing. It's a thing that will help us succeed in life. So, why when we see it being expressed in our children do we want to snuff it out? I believe it is a misunderstanding...

If you have a "strong willed child"…what is the REAL problem when there is conflict? Their will? Is it the fact that they believe they're in the right and are willing to fight for that? No. That's not a problem. An annoyance, yes. But, if they think they're in the right and are willing to fight even a giant (mom or dad) because they're right that's actually awesome, don't you think?

Their "problem" is not their will at all...it is simply…the wrong belief that they are right which is based in their lack of maturity and reasoning skills. That's it. It's not their will that is the problem it is that their will is being used to fight a wrong battle. Our job is to teach them to fight the right battles, and taking the "fight" out of them isn't the way to do it.

When your child is stubbornly sticking to their guns about something…it is because they believe they are right. They believe in their cause. They believe they should be allowed to have that toy! They believe they should be allowed to eat that cookie right now because it looks good and they are hungry! From THEIR perspective, their reasons are right! They are not trying to "push your buttons" or make you mad. The last thing any of us want, even as adults, is for our parents to be mad at us! So, if your child is insisting on having their own way…the problem is not their "will"…the child's "problem" is immaturity and lack of reasoning skills which has led them to a wrong conclusion that they are right.

And, so how do we encourage maturity and proper reasoning skills? Can a person learn to become more mature by being "controlled"? Can a person learn to become more mature by being "punished?"

In order to learn to reason…they must be reasoned with. They must learn the process of comparing two choices and looking at the potential effects of each…and they can't do that on their own. You have to show them how to do it.

Does it take more time to do this than to give them a whack on the hiney and tell them to "not do that again or else"? Sure. Controlling someone is always the quickest way for someone to get a behavior to stop. But, stopping your child from making CERTAIN bad choices (like the things which you forbid and punish for) doesn't teach them the broader picture of what is a good choice and what is a bad choice and how to decide between the two.

So, you lay down the law with punishments and rules about things that are issues for little kids…you teach them that when they do "X" they get a butt-whacking. OK. So, what happens when they get too old and they don't even want to do "X" anymore…what then? If you have not spent the time to teach them how to reason…once they no longer feel the urge to hit their sister or to run out into the street…what now when the temptation is to try drugs? To go to 2nd base with their boyfriend? To drink at a party? To text while driving? What then?

You cannot think that you can simply stop your children from making bad choices by punishment and threats and control when they are 1, 2, 3, 4 yrs old…then then expect that somehow that they now learned how to REASON and make good choices now that they're older.

This is why it is common for teens to "rebel". The only thing that's really happened is that they've gotten too old for parents to punish and "control" and now parents are simply seeing the "reasoning abilities" that their child has learned up until that age.

So, back to having a "strong willed child". It is not a curse. It's those with "strong wills" in life who have been the trail-blazers thru history. Your "strong willed child" may have a fantastic future ahead! Don't break that will! Harness it!

Something else to consider is how protective a "strong will" can be.
Are you infallible? When it comes to conflict with your child are you really, always right? You know that there are occasions that you are actually the one in the wrong. Do you think your child notices this? In the case of the spanking/controlling parent, what does a child learn of reasoning when their parent will hit them and punish them even when the parent is clearly in the wrong? What does the child learn of reason from a parent who does not reason but makes sure that kid knows who's boss and only controls and punishes?

What does a child learn when they are challenged by an adult when they know they are "in the right?" but are forced to comply with the adult anyway…and even suffer pain/punishment for pushing their side? Would a child who is trained this way respond in a healthy self-protective way when approached by a pedophile? Would a child who has been trained that no matter what the adult is "right" be able to stand up and say, "NO! Your'e NOT touching me there and I AM telling my mom!"

You want to train your child that if they are right and they know they are, that it's right for them to stand up and fight for that even if it is an adult they are fighting. You need to teach them how to know they are right, and the right way to fight...

Your child's will is also what makes them like God…
Don't squash it…harness it!

Our wills can make us into super heroes... :)

 

Willfullness!

After posting the last thing I posted...I thought that a lot of people who have been raised on the belief of “Original Sin” would ask why kids sin…but…they’re seeing things wrong…

Willfulness…is not “sin”. 

Willfulness means we “have a WILL”…

Willfulness is one of the things that separates us from the animals and makes us like God. It’s one of the ways we’re created in His image. He has a will. We have a will.

Willfulness is only “bad” when our will opposes or disregards God…when our will is anti-Christ…

When our children begin to display willfulness…and actually begin to argue with us…when they “persist in trying to climb those stairs after we say, no!”…is not sin! It’s our children discovering and learning that they have a will…and it’s our job to not destroy that! But, to guide that will into reason, and into being a “good” will which will love God…

One of the saddest things in the world are the eyes of a child who has had their will “beaten” into submission by parents who believe that is “God’s way”…vacant lifeless eyes which live on faces that rarely smile or laugh… :( God gave us a will…He doesn’t want it beaten into submission…He wants our will to willingly submit to His will…

A good book on religious maltreatment that focuses on breaking children's wills...