Elisa Story: You're a JERK!

Last night something happened between two of my kids and I reacted to it...not well...and my reaction led to my 7 year old stomping off crying and shouting, "You're a JERK!"

Rewind a few years in my history and she'd have gotten a few swats on the hiney for that and I'd have expected her to apologize to me!

But, I don't hit my kids anymore...I have had to learn to use my words rather than relying on my superior size and strength  to "make" my kids be how I want them to be and I have to admit that sometimes that just leaves me...stuck! (which is why I guess I used to resort to hitting?)

I watched her stomp away and felt guilty because not only does not spanking change how you see your children's behavior...but how you see your own. I was able to see how it was really me that had caused the problem...that I had really been disrespectful to her...and she was right in how she'd felt about it. 

But, despite my ability to now see my own behavior clearly because I've stopped being the judge and jury of my children's behavior...I still felt a compulsion inside to want to make her not act like that. That "old me" is still in there. The way I grew up and the "Christian" community I parented my kids in for 20 years is still in there jumping up and down sometimes saying, "This is the fruit of not spanking them!"

After about 5 minutes passed she came back to me all on her own and stood before me calm...sad...and said, "I'm sorry for calling you a jerk."

What did I just say about "fruit?!" :)

Because I've made that change from "spanking" to "not spanking" she felt free to express her frustration with me and safe to return to me once she'd calmed down. 

(I wonder if God wants our children to feel free and safe?)

And, because I no longer look at my children's behavior as something for me to judge and punish...I didn't look at her when she returned to me as a "disobedient disrespectful child giving me the apology I deserved"...but I was able to see her as an immature child doing her best to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship she has with...an immature adult.

I looked at her humbled little face and said, "No. I'M sorry. You were right. I was being a jerk and I shouldn't have been treating you that way. I'm sorry." 

(And, what does this teach her about all her relationships in the future? How likely is a child raised this way to end up in an abusive relationship if she's raised to feel right to not accept rude treatment?) 

I thanked her for apologizing to me...and told her that that was a very mature and good thing for her to do when she feels like she's done something wrong. I told her that she was right to feel how she felt and to be mad at me but that she needed to find better ways of expressing it than calling someone a jerk. 

(And, what would this teach her about how to react to marital spats someday?)

As I explained to her that her expression of her frustration wasn't good her eyes were open and glued on me and I could tell I had her full attention. I was not competing with any fears of being spanked as I had to compete for my children's attention in the past. She wasn't arguing or trying to justify or make excuses for what she'd done. She simply received what I said and accepted it. When I finished she nodded that she understood and she said next time she felt like that she would try to find a better way to tell me. 

Had I spanked her for calling me a jerk that would have been me punishing her. But, I disciplined her instead.

Then...without tears, without fear, without pain on her bottom...and without me having that icky feeling you get after you hit your kids...feeling valued and encouraged and armed with new understanding about relationships...she hugged me and told me she loved me.

She did wrong.

She felt free.

She felt safe.

She felt love.
She learned a lesson.

Isn't the fruit of not-spanking delicious?! :)

Wives with Knives

I like watching the TV station, "ID" and all the true-crime shows…Last night I was watching, "Wives with Knives" and there was one case involving a woman who'd killed her abusive boyfriend…and the FBI profiler was talking about signs of being an abused woman...and so...the topic of "abused woman" got me thinking…

If you Google, "signs of unhealthy relationship" you find lots of hits with generally the same list of indicators that you are in an abusive relationship…

(obviously the woman can be the abuser but I'm focusing on the ladies as the abused here)

Signs of being in an abusive relationship...

- he uses of physical force when he wants you to do what he wants

- he uses threats of physical force force 

- he will verbally abuse you (speak disrespectfully/impatiently, curse, call names, degrade, criticize)

- you feel afraid to disagree with him

- you feel ignored or dismissed by him

- you feel unheard and unable to communicate what you want

- he is in control (tells you what to do, where to do, what to wear, etc.)

- you have no personal space and have to share everything with him

- you feel isolated

- you feel stifled and trapped

- he makes all the decisions

- he lies to you

- he blames you for all the problems in the house

- you feel pressure to change to meet his standards

- he pushes, shoves, pinches, hits, punches, kicks or otherwise hurts you

- you constantly have to justify what you you, where you go, and who you associate with

- he presss you to do things you're uncomfortable with

- you find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior

So, you have a daughter…and you want her to grow up and marry a man who will love and cherish and respect her and not abuse her (as in the list above). How can you "train" her to recognize this treatment as abusive? How can you train her so that she won't end up as one of those ladies who stays in a relationship with a man who beats her for years and years...hiding her bruises and making excuses for his behavior? How can you protect your daughter from this?

Fortunately, for the Christian parent...God has promised that the way you raise her up she won't depart from when she's older. (for the non-Christian, you simply realize that what you teach your kids sticks with them)

So, what is your daughter learning about love and healthy relationships from her first relationship: the parent/child relationship? 

Is your daughter being taught by your example that a man who truly loves you will not ever:
- physically hurt her
- threaten to hurt her
- speak disrespectfully to her
- control her and make all decisions for her
- violate her privacy
- make her suffer for disagreeing with him
- ignore her
- isolate her
- lie to her
- manipulate her
- expect her to change
- make her do things she's uncomfortable with

That is what we all want, isn't it? We all want our daughters to know this and to never end up in a relationship like this, right?! We all want our daughters protected! So...in our parent/child relationship we are teaching them what healthy relationships look like...and this is the best way to protect her!

In teaching her by example with your love...do you…

- use physical force to get your daughter to do what you want? (does she get a spanking if she doesn't do what you say?)

- do you threaten your daughter to get her to do what you want? (You better stop that or you'll get a spanking!)

- do you yell at your daughter or speak to her disrespectfully? Do you call her names (brat!)? Do you criticize (you ALWAYS spill things!)?

- is your daughter free to argue with you if she disagrees with you...or do you punish her for "back-talking?"

- does your daughter ever cry all alone in her crib ignored and dismissed by you?

- do you decide when your daughter sleeps, gets up, eats, etc? Do you decide everything?

- does your daughter have items you do not interfere with (like a diary)? Do you knock before entering her room or before entering the bathroom if she is in there?

- does your daughter spend time feeling isolated (naughty step, time-out chair)? 

- does your daughter feel free?

- do you lie to your daughter? (Santa Claus is comin' to town! The Elf on the Shelf is watching you!) 

- do you manipulate her with your lies? (And, you better do as I say or Santa won't come!)

- does your daughter feel like she's acceptable as she is or is she pressed to improve/change constantly? (why wasn't that grade an A?)

- do you blame your daughter for problems in the house? (You are stressing Mommy out so bad!)

- do you push, pinch, shove, hit (spank) your daughter to make her do what you want?
- does your daughter have to constantly justify what she's doing and who she's with?

- do you make your daughter do things with her body she's uncomfortable with? (Sit on Santa's lap so I can take a picture while you cry! Kiss Uncle Bob good-bye!)

What lessons about true love are you giving her?

If parents are saying to their daughters that they love them…and that God loves them…and that this is why they do these things with their daughters…there is no way that upon graduating from that first school in life (the girl's parent/child relationship) that she is going to suddenly realize that anything other than being treated this way is "love." 

For your daughter...everything you do with her = love and how someone who loves her will treat her. You are her primary source of love now but one day it will be her husband and she will look for a man who loves her the way you have taught her that love is...

SONS...

And, for your sons…the same list goes in a different way…is your son being taught that to love a woman means to do all those things? Is your son being taught that that's how God expects him to love his family?

And, for both sons and daughters…since earthly parents are the child's first representation of how God is…is this how your children are being taught that God is?

CHALLENGE...

I challenge you to look at each of your interactions with your children today and ask yourself if what you just did or said is a sign of a healthy or abusive relationship. Ask yourself with each of your own interactions with your daughter...how you would feel to see your daughter's husband treat her that way...

Ask yourself if you need to make any changes...because, each child comes into the world with one question, "I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me!" And, everything you do or say to or around your child is answering that question...

HELP CHANGING...

If you find that you feel helpless to parent a child without spanking, threatening to spank, punishing, and controlling...if you find that you have no idea what to do if you don't do those things...click on the tab at the top about "books" and you will find a long list of books which can help you...and there are lots of great blogs out there like, "Aha! Parenting."

Also, you can check out "Olive Branch" on Facebook...which is an community of people who wish to stop spanking (etc.) and parent in a different way...

For testimonies of people who have stopped spanking: Olive Branch Blog

The Strength of Your Child's Will!

A discussion recently about the book, "Breaking Their Will," has had me thinking. Someone asked me what would be my idea of where the line would be between "breaking their will" and "breaking their spirit". Thinking about it, I feel that they're the same thing. And, I thought then, "Why would you want to break their will at all?"

Really, if you think about it…what gets you outta' your comfy warm bed in the morning?
Your will.

What keeps you from eating that slice of chocolate cake when you're on a diet?
Your will.

What keeps you from blowing all your money at the mall on stuff you don't need?
Your will.

What keeps you from flippin' the bird to that person who just pulled out in front of you and almost caused an accident?
Your will.

What keeps you from trying drugs?
Your will.

What is it that keeps you from picking up your phone and reading/replying to that text while you're driving?
Your will.

What is it we all wish when we have issues with our weight? 
More WILL POWER.

Everything in life that makes us into productive contributors to society involves our will.

So, in practice, we all know that to have a "strong will" is a good thing. It's a desirable thing. It's a thing that will help us succeed in life. So, why when we see it being expressed in our children do we want to snuff it out? I believe it is a misunderstanding...

If you have a "strong willed child"…what is the REAL problem when there is conflict? Their will? Is it the fact that they believe they're in the right and are willing to fight for that? No. That's not a problem. An annoyance, yes. But, if they think they're in the right and are willing to fight even a giant (mom or dad) because they're right that's actually awesome, don't you think?

Their "problem" is not their will at all...it is simply…the wrong belief that they are right which is based in their lack of maturity and reasoning skills. That's it. It's not their will that is the problem it is that their will is being used to fight a wrong battle. Our job is to teach them to fight the right battles, and taking the "fight" out of them isn't the way to do it.

When your child is stubbornly sticking to their guns about something…it is because they believe they are right. They believe in their cause. They believe they should be allowed to have that toy! They believe they should be allowed to eat that cookie right now because it looks good and they are hungry! From THEIR perspective, their reasons are right! They are not trying to "push your buttons" or make you mad. The last thing any of us want, even as adults, is for our parents to be mad at us! So, if your child is insisting on having their own way…the problem is not their "will"…the child's "problem" is immaturity and lack of reasoning skills which has led them to a wrong conclusion that they are right.

And, so how do we encourage maturity and proper reasoning skills? Can a person learn to become more mature by being "controlled"? Can a person learn to become more mature by being "punished?"

In order to learn to reason…they must be reasoned with. They must learn the process of comparing two choices and looking at the potential effects of each…and they can't do that on their own. You have to show them how to do it.

Does it take more time to do this than to give them a whack on the hiney and tell them to "not do that again or else"? Sure. Controlling someone is always the quickest way for someone to get a behavior to stop. But, stopping your child from making CERTAIN bad choices (like the things which you forbid and punish for) doesn't teach them the broader picture of what is a good choice and what is a bad choice and how to decide between the two.

So, you lay down the law with punishments and rules about things that are issues for little kids…you teach them that when they do "X" they get a butt-whacking. OK. So, what happens when they get too old and they don't even want to do "X" anymore…what then? If you have not spent the time to teach them how to reason…once they no longer feel the urge to hit their sister or to run out into the street…what now when the temptation is to try drugs? To go to 2nd base with their boyfriend? To drink at a party? To text while driving? What then?

You cannot think that you can simply stop your children from making bad choices by punishment and threats and control when they are 1, 2, 3, 4 yrs old…then then expect that somehow that they now learned how to REASON and make good choices now that they're older.

This is why it is common for teens to "rebel". The only thing that's really happened is that they've gotten too old for parents to punish and "control" and now parents are simply seeing the "reasoning abilities" that their child has learned up until that age.

So, back to having a "strong willed child". It is not a curse. It's those with "strong wills" in life who have been the trail-blazers thru history. Your "strong willed child" may have a fantastic future ahead! Don't break that will! Harness it!

Something else to consider is how protective a "strong will" can be.
Are you infallible? When it comes to conflict with your child are you really, always right? You know that there are occasions that you are actually the one in the wrong. Do you think your child notices this? In the case of the spanking/controlling parent, what does a child learn of reasoning when their parent will hit them and punish them even when the parent is clearly in the wrong? What does the child learn of reason from a parent who does not reason but makes sure that kid knows who's boss and only controls and punishes?

What does a child learn when they are challenged by an adult when they know they are "in the right?" but are forced to comply with the adult anyway…and even suffer pain/punishment for pushing their side? Would a child who is trained this way respond in a healthy self-protective way when approached by a pedophile? Would a child who has been trained that no matter what the adult is "right" be able to stand up and say, "NO! Your'e NOT touching me there and I AM telling my mom!"

You want to train your child that if they are right and they know they are, that it's right for them to stand up and fight for that even if it is an adult they are fighting. You need to teach them how to know they are right, and the right way to fight...

Your child's will is also what makes them like God…
Don't squash it…harness it!

Our wills can make us into super heroes... :)