"That was bad!"

I just observed something that happened between 2 of my kids that made me think…I looked on the surveillance camera for the pool and could see the 6 year old holding her finger up at the 3 year old and the 3 year old standing there with her head down. The other kids came in and told me that she was telling her that "she was bad". 

Where did she learn to do that? Where did she learn to get in someone's face who was bugging her (being naughty) and tell them they were being bad? 

Obviously, she learned it from me. :(

And, obvious to me seeing her do it is how wrong it is for me to have ever done it.

Everyone knows one thing...that you're supposed to tell your kids that what they did was bad and not that they were bad. Sure. But, I think that even even telling our kids that what they did was bad is…bad. 

Why is that…bad…and what should be done instead?

Here's an experience I had when I was about 5…

I had a kiddie pool in the yard. I had a very "cautious" mom who didn't want me to drown so she only put like 2 inches of water in the bottom. I wanted it to be fuller. I noticed that when I got in the water the water rose. "Hey! I know! I'll put ROCKS and PEBBLES and stuff in the water and that will make the water get deeper! Yes!!!"

So, that's what I did. But, rather than raising the level of that nice clean water it just made the water get all muddy and dirty! So, I realized that this was not working out and went and got my mom. And, when my mom saw it, I was in a heap of trouble. I was bad. I was told that what I did was bad. The pool was emptied and taken from me as punishment.

Was I bad? Was what I did "bad"? 

No. 

What I did was out of both ignorance and intelligence. I understood something about water displacement but was too immature to think past that. I wasn't bad. I was immature. What I did wasn't bad. It was immature. And, actually, it was good. It showed my brain was working. I'd detected a scientific principle, and attempted to use that knowledge to solve a "problem" I had. 

But, from my mom's perspective…she'd gotten me this nice clean new pool and put nice clean water in it and she came out and saw that it was all muddy and dirty and one big mess and added that all up and it =ed I was "being bad" and needed to "learn a lesson" (be punished). (And, ya can't hardly blame her! Did she have AP support back then? Did she have Facebook and tons of gentle parenting blogs to follow?)

What if my mom had come out and asked, "Um, what are you doing?" And, I'd have told her. She could have then explained that that's really neat that I noticed that. That it's called water displacement and I'd have nodded, "Uh huh water daplascezes, right" and she could have then asked me to observe how my experiment had turned out. She could have commended me for coming and getting her when I realized I'd made a mistake. She could have asked me why the water got all dirty and muddy. She could have asked me what we could do to fix this new problem? And, let me help clean out the pool and then maybe she could have given me a few more inches of water and walked off and thought, "My what a smart little girl I have." 

But, no. I was told that I was bad and that what I did was "bad". 

What's that mean to a little kid who is learning how to live? That means that the whole process I'd just gone thru in my mind was "bad". I was bad. And, the only thing she really taught me was to NOT take risks and experiment to try to solve my problems. And, she taught me that when I make a mistake I'm gonna get it…gonna get punished AND Mommy won't like me. Mommy will make that angry rejecting face at me if I mess up.

My mom basically observed my behavior and judged me, criticized me for it, inflicted pain on me (punishment), and separated herself from me. And, how many other times did that happened to me over the years...with more grown-ups than just my mom? How many times has it happened to all of us that someone in authority over us observed our behavior…judged it as "bad", criticized us for it, caused us pain or discomfort (punished us), and then they stomped off, unfriended us, or just wouldn't talk to us anymore? You know?   

And, what is the comment "you are bad" really, but, an insult. An attack. But, it's generally only how we speak to children. So, what does the comment "you are bad" or "what you did was bad" turn into when you're a grown-up and dealing with your husband? You dislike what he's just done or not done and if he was 5 you'd say, "You are bad! You've done something very bad!" but what you say to him is, "You're a jerk! I can't believe you did that! So stupid!"

Funny, right? We all know that it's not good, respectful or productive to treat another grown-up that way, but yet, that is how we treat our children who are still learning how to relate to others.

If it would be better for me to say to my husband, "That really hurts me when you do that. I wish you would not do that anymore." then...when my 6 year old draws on the wall or the carpet, rather than tell her how bad it is that she did that…it would be better for me to say to my child, "That really upsets me when you do that. I wish you would not do that anymore." If that is how we want them to grow up and treat others, we have to train them by example to do that from day one...(And, so that when they grow up and their kids think it's nifty to draw on the carpet that they will know how to handle that situation without shame.)

Realize that we are among the "others" that our kids will be someday relating to. If we want our kids to love us and not "rebel" against us and our household rules they have to be trained to look at our "behavior" and ask, "why", and to simply tell us, "I don't like that. It makes me feel ___". If we train them with the "you're bad" methods then then they don't like our rules, they're going to treat us the same way, except teenagers don't speak to grown-ups by telling them they're bad, that's the words we use for kids. For parents, teenagers will use different words inspired by the same philosophy of judging, insulting, hurting/causing discomfort, and separation...

Is it any wonder that teenagers always cry out, "You just don't know me!" Because we misjudge their behaviors and tell them they're bad every time they do something we don't like from day one.

Is it any wonder teenagers then reject us and "rebel"? They're simply doing what we've taught them. They react to our rules and expectations the same way we've looked at and reacted to their behavior their whole life.

And, how confusing of a lesson is it for little kids in a situation like this, "Now, you didn't even tell Miss Casey 'Thank-You' for that lollipop. That was bad!" We force them to do and say these certain things to "teach the respect" all the while we are disrespecting them and then we are so taken aback when they're older and they're disrespectful because yes, they did learn from us exactly what we taught them...

As the mirror is the best revealer of your physical flaws so is the mirror of our children's behavior the best revealer of what our parenting really looks like…

So, today I told my 6 year old that I learned something from her and that I'm not going to tell her "she's bad" or that what she did was bad ever again...

The Strength of Your Child's Will!

A discussion recently about the book, "Breaking Their Will," has had me thinking. Someone asked me what would be my idea of where the line would be between "breaking their will" and "breaking their spirit". Thinking about it, I feel that they're the same thing. And, I thought then, "Why would you want to break their will at all?"

Really, if you think about it…what gets you outta' your comfy warm bed in the morning?
Your will.

What keeps you from eating that slice of chocolate cake when you're on a diet?
Your will.

What keeps you from blowing all your money at the mall on stuff you don't need?
Your will.

What keeps you from flippin' the bird to that person who just pulled out in front of you and almost caused an accident?
Your will.

What keeps you from trying drugs?
Your will.

What is it that keeps you from picking up your phone and reading/replying to that text while you're driving?
Your will.

What is it we all wish when we have issues with our weight? 
More WILL POWER.

Everything in life that makes us into productive contributors to society involves our will.

So, in practice, we all know that to have a "strong will" is a good thing. It's a desirable thing. It's a thing that will help us succeed in life. So, why when we see it being expressed in our children do we want to snuff it out? I believe it is a misunderstanding...

If you have a "strong willed child"…what is the REAL problem when there is conflict? Their will? Is it the fact that they believe they're in the right and are willing to fight for that? No. That's not a problem. An annoyance, yes. But, if they think they're in the right and are willing to fight even a giant (mom or dad) because they're right that's actually awesome, don't you think?

Their "problem" is not their will at all...it is simply…the wrong belief that they are right which is based in their lack of maturity and reasoning skills. That's it. It's not their will that is the problem it is that their will is being used to fight a wrong battle. Our job is to teach them to fight the right battles, and taking the "fight" out of them isn't the way to do it.

When your child is stubbornly sticking to their guns about something…it is because they believe they are right. They believe in their cause. They believe they should be allowed to have that toy! They believe they should be allowed to eat that cookie right now because it looks good and they are hungry! From THEIR perspective, their reasons are right! They are not trying to "push your buttons" or make you mad. The last thing any of us want, even as adults, is for our parents to be mad at us! So, if your child is insisting on having their own way…the problem is not their "will"…the child's "problem" is immaturity and lack of reasoning skills which has led them to a wrong conclusion that they are right.

And, so how do we encourage maturity and proper reasoning skills? Can a person learn to become more mature by being "controlled"? Can a person learn to become more mature by being "punished?"

In order to learn to reason…they must be reasoned with. They must learn the process of comparing two choices and looking at the potential effects of each…and they can't do that on their own. You have to show them how to do it.

Does it take more time to do this than to give them a whack on the hiney and tell them to "not do that again or else"? Sure. Controlling someone is always the quickest way for someone to get a behavior to stop. But, stopping your child from making CERTAIN bad choices (like the things which you forbid and punish for) doesn't teach them the broader picture of what is a good choice and what is a bad choice and how to decide between the two.

So, you lay down the law with punishments and rules about things that are issues for little kids…you teach them that when they do "X" they get a butt-whacking. OK. So, what happens when they get too old and they don't even want to do "X" anymore…what then? If you have not spent the time to teach them how to reason…once they no longer feel the urge to hit their sister or to run out into the street…what now when the temptation is to try drugs? To go to 2nd base with their boyfriend? To drink at a party? To text while driving? What then?

You cannot think that you can simply stop your children from making bad choices by punishment and threats and control when they are 1, 2, 3, 4 yrs old…then then expect that somehow that they now learned how to REASON and make good choices now that they're older.

This is why it is common for teens to "rebel". The only thing that's really happened is that they've gotten too old for parents to punish and "control" and now parents are simply seeing the "reasoning abilities" that their child has learned up until that age.

So, back to having a "strong willed child". It is not a curse. It's those with "strong wills" in life who have been the trail-blazers thru history. Your "strong willed child" may have a fantastic future ahead! Don't break that will! Harness it!

Something else to consider is how protective a "strong will" can be.
Are you infallible? When it comes to conflict with your child are you really, always right? You know that there are occasions that you are actually the one in the wrong. Do you think your child notices this? In the case of the spanking/controlling parent, what does a child learn of reasoning when their parent will hit them and punish them even when the parent is clearly in the wrong? What does the child learn of reason from a parent who does not reason but makes sure that kid knows who's boss and only controls and punishes?

What does a child learn when they are challenged by an adult when they know they are "in the right?" but are forced to comply with the adult anyway…and even suffer pain/punishment for pushing their side? Would a child who is trained this way respond in a healthy self-protective way when approached by a pedophile? Would a child who has been trained that no matter what the adult is "right" be able to stand up and say, "NO! Your'e NOT touching me there and I AM telling my mom!"

You want to train your child that if they are right and they know they are, that it's right for them to stand up and fight for that even if it is an adult they are fighting. You need to teach them how to know they are right, and the right way to fight...

Your child's will is also what makes them like God…
Don't squash it…harness it!

Our wills can make us into super heroes... :)

 

No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!

Do you all think that violence, torture, threats, or imprisonment were ever a good way to make converts for Christianity?

(I hope not.)

Then…I wonder why so many Christians who would find this to be a ridiculous way to make “Christians”…use these same tactics with their children thinking that somehow this is the way to “raise them up right”?

Violence…spanking…
Torture…taking away their cell phones and other things they “can’t live without”…
Threats…threatening to do those things…
Imprisonment…”Go to your room!”, “You’re GROUNDED!”

Even if a “convert” was made while someone was in a torture device…was it sincere?
You can make your kids change their behavior by spanking them and punishing them…but you will never touch their hearts with it…

The fact that so many pastor’s kids and missionary’s kids end up “rebelling” as soon as they’re old enough not to get beaten with “the rod” anymore…should be all the evidence anyone needs of that…sadly it’s not!

Recommended reading: “For Your Own Good” by Alice Miller