"The Rod" as an instrument of protection

I was thinking about the reason I even ever began to question the rightness of "spanking". I had been asked by a friend with 3 or 5 kids…or 3 kids with 2 on the way…what I thought about "spanking". I had a 21-yr old at the time and a total of 8 children so I oughta' know, right?

I'd been taught in Sunday School class the "who, what, when, where, and why" of spanking. I knew all about it. So, as I sat at my computer to begin explaining to her "who, what, when, where, and why" she should hit her kids…I first thought to do some searches on some websites to have, you know, some sites to send her on the subject. I had even requested the Sunday School materials from my former church in order to further my help of my friend.

Well, I found something in my searching that I was not expecting. Something…that stopped me dead in my tracks. As tho' all of the wheels in my head came to a loud…screeching…halt.

I found a website that explained that the ancient shepherds…carried a rod…and a staff. Two things. And, that the rod…was a short stick with spiked on the ends. It explained that modern shepherds now carried guns instead of rods.

The "rod"…was a weapon.
It was an ancient "gun".

What???

This meant…It was not for the sheep at all…but for predators. It was for protecting the sheep from predators. (Now, do you hear my foot on the brakes as I screech to a halt?)
That was in January of 2008. It's been 3 1/2 yrs now since the last time I spanked a kid. (Sound like Spankers Anonymous)

What I experienced was that for the first year or so…was pure misery. I found that I could not handle any stressful situations with my kids without threatening them with a spanking or spanking them. I felt totally lost.

What a change I had to go thru!

So, over these years I have read a lot of books then, met a lot of people, and read a lot of articles online about "spanking". Remarkably, you never find any scientific or psychological studies done which show that spanking is "good for people". Always it's bad news. Brain damage. Lessened IQ's. More violent behavior. Depression. Anxiety. Sexual dysfunction. The list goes on...

The only proponents of "spanking" seem to be those who currently do it and feel that it is "God's idea." The only "evidence" for the goodness of spanking is a few verses in the Bible.

Well, as I thought about the ancient shepherd's rod as a weapon against predators and not for use on the sheep and how if this object were used to literally strike the sheep that it would harm, cripple, or weaken the sheep to such a degree as to actually make them more vulnerable to predators…I thought that, "Well, spanking proponents could say that the rod is a spiritual weapon against evil that when used on their child...it deters them from evil…and the Bible says to resist the devil and he'll flee from you."

(This only works if you believe children are sinful...and have evil "in" them...which I do not believe...but for the sake of argument I'll go with it here)

So, try to imagine…a child who has been trained well to obey. Obedience to whatever command the parent gives. Imagine a very good kid. You know, the bumpersticker, "Question Authority" is of the devil, right? So, we don't want kids to ever question the parents. (Because that is disrespectful) We could call this "blind obedience" because the children are not supposed to know "why" they are doing something, only if the parent says, "Jump!" The child is to ask, "How high!" If the child asks, "Why?" then they have entered into a rebellious realm and we tell them, "Because I said so."

I was given the example of the need for this back when I was learning about spanking…I was told of a boy (not a real boy I don't think)…who was so obedient to his dad…that one day…his dad yelled out a command. He told him to, "Drop to the ground and crawl to me now!" and the boy did it without question. Then, the boy, safely at his father's side now, was able to look back and see that there was a snake dangling from the tree above where he had been standing.

That's a compelling story, isn't it?

But, I wonder…what would a child trained to so blindly obey…do in another type of situation?

What if this boy were at camp or somewhere that a pedophile could get him alone…and tell him as an adult…in an authoritative tone…to do something very bad…or else he'd be spanked and he'd tell his mom that he was a very bad boy…

Then what?

Then what of this blind obedience to authority that the child has been instilled with? 

Would the boy be well-equipped to know how to discern "right" from "wrong" commands?

Would he be well-equipped to know how to decide for himself whether or not he should follow a command from an adult telling him to do something he feels is wrong?

Would he be well-equipped to be able to "question" that authority and know he was right to "rebel" against that adults authority?

Or, would he have been well-equipped...many times...after many spankings...to ignore his own discomfort with a grown-ups command...and obey "Mister Bob"(whoever) with a submissive, "yes sir."

In a case like this...and there would actually be many literal real-life cases like this...has the "rod" which has been used to strike "the sheep" proved to be a rod of protection? Or, has the rod, when used on "the sheep", proven to be a means of crippling and harm and of making the child more vulnerable to "predators" because that child learned to never...question...authority?

Romans 1 says…"that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse."

If in the literal world…hitting a sheep with a spiked club would make it more vulnerable to predators…it's pretty clear that that means that striking your children physically with "the rod" will do the same…it does not "beat the devil out of them"…it opens them to him.


Pic of a shepherd's rod...
I guess if you still wanna "use the rod" on your kid, you should at least abandon the wooden spoon/spatula type because they are not Biblical...and get yourself a real rod and use that on your child...because THIS is what the Bible was referring to...

Cleaving to Our Parents...

I have a friend who on many occasions has expressed sentiments to me such as, "I always feel like I have to do more and be better and still I'll never be good enough." and she laments often of feeling worthless. I hate this. I want to be able to fix this for her. But, it's not even just her…it's like…so many woman feel this same way…Why do we feel this way?

For me...I can see it going way back...My parents never approved of "me" as I was. Sort of like the kid on "How to Train Your Dragon". My parents were constantly pushing me to be "better". They were constantly pushing me to be what they thought "I could be if I just tried hard enough". They believed I could be a straight A student if I just applied myself. So, if I brought home my report card and I had an A- in one class, they weren't like, "Great grades" they were like, "Why isn't this an A?"

Then...when I got pregnant at age 17...they were simply so disgusted with this situation that they saw nothing good in it. Nothing good in "me". When I paused and struggled over "what to do about it"...paused to think about if I should keep the baby or not...I felt like the fact that I actually stopped and thought, "Hmm...this was my mistake...if someone should lose their life over this...it probably should be me..." that that was something noble in me...something selfless that deserved recognition in the midst of the big pile of manure I'd just shoveled onto the floor, but no. Nothing I did had any virtue in their eyes if I wasn't doing exactly what they thought I should. I was their worst case scenario for a child. My heart mattered nothing...ever...only my actions and if they didn't measure up...neither did I.

And, so, here I am today. I've been out of my parents' house since I was 17. And, that's more than half my life ago...24 years have gone since then. And, yet still today...I feel inadequate in every sense. I don't cook good-enough food. I don't homeschool good-enough. I don't spend enough time with the kids. I don't look good-enough. I'm worthless and good-for-nothing and can't understand why anyone talks to me at all. Every time the credit card machine judges me and flashed, "Approved" on the screen it makes me feel weird. I have like 800 "friends" on facebook and you know I've like requested maybe 100 of them. So, I've had 700 people request a connection with me, yet, I feel like everyone finds me stupid and annoying. I feel certain that every time I "share" something that it's an irritation. I feel mostly comfortable with clicking "like" buttons because at least no one can really fault me for reading an article and clicking "like" and so fb posts itself...that's not so irritating, is it?

<heavy sigh> How can someone my age... be so far removed from the days when I was treated that way and STILL feel this way? It's wired into us...literally...biologically...

So, I sat the other night trying to write a letter to my friend to encourage her, and I was thinking about all this and suddenly something struck me.

The Bible says we are to "LEAVE our parents and CLEAVE to our spouse."

I don't think this is talking about moving out of our parents' house. I don't think this is just merely talking about looking from our parents to our spouse for counsel and decision making either. I think it's more...

Well…(for we ladies) let's try to imagine how the men we are married to felt when they were getting to know us. Well, first let's imagine them meeting someone they felt was annoying, worthless, ugly, good-for-nothing, stupid, etc. When our men met women like that...did they...pursue them and try to marry them? When women like that approached them and tried to hook up with them did they jump for joy and go for it? Or, did they run far far away from them?

I asked my husband if while he was single if any women he'd identify as the aforementioned ever approached him and was he all excited and did he want to go out with them and marry them? He was like, "no…"

So, when our men 1st were getting to know us...they thought things like,
"Wow...I really like her."
"She's pretty"
"She's funny"
"She's smart"
"She would make a good mom for my children"
"She's awesome"
"I like being around her".

When they 1st met us they couldn't wait to see us again when we'd end a date and go our separate ways. We would be on their minds all day long till they got to see us again. When they'd see on their caller ID that it was us calling they felt an instant surge of adrenaline 'cause they were excited it was us. They laid in bed at night and anticipated someday when they'd get to sleep with us. They thought...we...were...AWESOME!

Right?

SO…if the man and woman are to be "one flesh"…one mind…united IN Christ...if I insist on believing that I am anything other than what my spouse sees me as...if I am clinging to these beliefs about myself which clearly came from my parents...if I'm clinging to these beliefs and allowing them to affect me "now"...I have not left my parents. I am still "cleaving" to my parents.

With all the reading I've done about child development…I don't believe it is too easy to stop clinging to these beliefs we're "trained" to have. When a baby girl is brought home and dropped off in a crib and left to cry alone in the darkness till she figures out that she's not worth coming to soothe and she learns that the only one who is always there for her is "herself". We "train" babies to conform to our schedules because we don't want them interfering with our lives. And, in this way we teach them that they are not worthy. Even the common belief that it is OK to hit children (spanking) teaches us that when we make mistakes we deserve to suffer and makes us frustrated when we see others doing wrong and not suffering for it.

Then for those of us with parents who always pushed and pushed us to "be better"…how are we ever to look in the mirror and be satisfied? How are we ever to look at our own lives, our own decisions, and feel good about ourselves? How are we ever to see ourselves as anything but someone who is in the way of others' pleasure, a nuisance, and someone who will never be good enough? Even though our parents didn't intend this, these lessons we are taught from day 1 actually wire our brains and makes it almost unnatural to begin to believe now as adults that we ARE worthy and we ARE loved. It's like trying to unlearn being able to read or ride a bike. Once you've learned something, it's in there.

But...that's why we're transformed by the renewing of our minds...and why we can do ALL THINGS thru Him who strengthens us.

Partly I have no hope for people trained this way. Partly I have no hope that I'll ever be able to shake the feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. But, if we can do all things thru Christ…then somehow this must be possible…for me…and for you.

And, when I can't see the whole path ahead of me, I can at least do what Bob on "What About Bob" learned…and take baby steps. And, last night…as I thought to write a letter to my friend who feels this way who also told me, "I find it strange to feel encouraged by my dad", that we can at least start by identifying and calling what our parents did with us what it actually was. We don't have to stop loving or appreciating our parents. You actually love them more if you love them even tho' you see them for who and what they really are…fallible. If we insist on protecting our parents' reputations in our minds by insisting they did good with us…when we are adults who can't even love ourselves…we are lying…and no matter how bad a job our parents have done with us pretty much all of our parents have at least taught us not to lie.

So, I believe that the Biblical command is where we need to start…and if we do that everything will eventually work out and fall into place where it should. We need to, as women, we need to separate ourselves from our parents. Separate…not estrange. Separate. And, when we do that we need to identify how our parents made us feel. Identify what they did. Call it what it is. Allow ourselves to feel the hurt and the anger we felt being abandoned to our cribs to cry alone while mom and dad slept contentedly together. We need to allow ourselves to feel the anger and even rage we were not allowed to feel when we were struck by our parents and were not allowed to react in anger or we got hit again…allow ourselves the time to be angry about it and then to forgive…and then cleave to the one who pursued us because he thought we were awesome…pretty…smart…and then begin to see ourselves thru his eyes…

It's at least a start...

But, what do you do if your marriage is so old and messed up that your husband only sees you now as a b-word...well...I guess this isn't a very encouraging blog posting...'cause I know our lives are never as simple as a blog posting...but...for the ideal...for the newlyweds...this...is a very good start...and I would have to wonder that for those of us who have relationships which are no longer so ideal...could it be that if we do not begin to see each other the way the OTHER sees us if they instead begin to see us as we see ourselves? Humans...are so complex...


That's me as a baby... 

How to "teach your child a lesson!" when they've been bad

We went to see, "The Lion King" in 3D on Friday. It's a really cool movie. (But, it wasn't made to be in 3D so that part wasn't that much of a thrill…so…really…you can skip the theater)
In the movie, if you've never seen it, King Mufasa has a son, Simba. They're both lions if you hadn't guessed. Simba is an energetic and curious little guy with an uncle who hates him. His uncle, Scar, hates him because until Simba came along, if something had happened to Mufasa then Scar was next in line to become king. Now, Simba was. So, Scar is plotting to get rid of Simba…and the king if he can.

One morning Mufasa takes Simba up onto a ridge and shows him all that will someday be his. He tells him that everything the light touches is their kingdom. Simba looks off in the distance and asks, "What about that dark shadowy place?" Mufasa explains that that is beyond their borders and that he is never to go there.

So, later that same day Simba bounces over to see his uncle. He tells the truth to Simba about what that "shadowy place is" in a tricksey way to get Simba to go there. He manages to lure Simba out away from the protection of the kingdom of his father into a dark area where Scar can get his minions (hyenas) to kill him.

Fortunately, disaster is averted and Mufasa is alerted before the hyenas can kill Simba. Now, the king is angry. He'd specifically told Simba not to go there and he did. And, he took his play buddy, Nala, with him. As the two cubs walk behind the angry back home they both walk with heads bent low. Mufasa sends Nala home and says that he's "going to teach his son a lesson."

At that, Simba gulps. The makers of the movie are familiar with that cultural situation. They are familiar with that "phrase" and what it means to most American children.

So, Mufasa teaches his son a lesson for his disobedience. He sits with him and shares with him how angry he is BECAUSE of how afraid he was that he was going to lose Simba. He shares his heart with Simba and in the end…Simba "gets it". Simba understands why what he did was so wrong. And, then…Mufasa touches Simba in a loving, playful way and they romp around a little and laugh together.

What "lesson" did Mufasa want to teach his son? He wanted to teach him to "never do that again!" Right?

What did he actually teach his son?

He taught him that…

His disobedience puts him in danger.
His disobedience puts others in danger.
His disobedience hurts his father.
His disobedience makes his father angry.
That even when he disobeys, that his father loves and accepts him and is the most important thing in his life.

Do you think that Simba will be likely to do it again?
Do you think that Simba now loves his dad more or less?
Do you think that Simba now fears or feels safer with his dad?

It's just a cartoon and obviously Simba feels nothing. :P But, you know, right there it is on the screen so easy for us to see "the truth" about what it should mean to "teach our son a lesson".

Sadly, what happens when a real-life human parent gets into the same situation with their child, what they teach their child is something very different. Normally, we all know what it means for a child who has done something very naughty and their parent takes them off privately to "teach them a lesson". It means they're gonna get their butt beat. Sometimes in Jesus' name, right?

Let's go back to Mufasa and Simba…what if that's what Mufasa would have done? What if Mufasa would have turned around and bitten and slapped around (the way a lion would "spank") little Simba and really "put a hurtin' on him"? What if Mufasa woulda' tanned his hide? What would Simba have learned?

He would have learned that when he's naughty he'd better not let dad find out 'cause dad will hurt him. He'd have learned that when he messes up that dad turns on him and hurts him. And, he'd have learned to fear his dad.

And, just picturing seeing the noble Mufasa whompin' his tiny ignorant son's butt makes me lose respect for Mufasa. That scene in the movie would have definitely stripped Mufasa of his nobility.

It's so easy to see it. It really is.

When our children are naughty…they obviously need to be "taught a lesson". They need to be taught why their naughtiness is unacceptable and who is hurts. They need to be taught how their actions have made us feel and why. And, they need to be taught that no matter what they do, that we're there for them. They hurt us when they're naughty because they matter so much to us and that will never change. They need to be taught that when they mess up that we'll be there to help them clean up that mess and to move on from there.

But, that is not what real-life human kids learn in the US, is it?

Real-life human children are not focused on "others" and the "effects" of their actions. Real-life human children, when they mess up, are focused on one thing: themselves. They're focused on the fact that they're gonna get their butt beat. They're focused on the fact that that hurts and they want to find any escape route they can to get out of being beat.

The "lessons" that human parents teach their kids is only that "when you do wrong you're gonna get hurt by me." And, that lesson makes it all but impossible to get the children to focus on what they've done and who they may have hurt. How can they? When all they can think of is how much they're about to get hurt, how can they focus on anything else?

Think about it…

A person who commits a "hit and run" with their car…do you think their parents "taught them a lesson" when they messed up the way Mufasa taught or the way traditional human parents do? I have never read studies, but, I bet there would not be a single person who commits a hit-and-run who had a dad like Mufasa. I'd bet that they all had parents who "taught them a lesson" according to the badness level of their deeds, and hitting someone with your car would be one extremely bad deed which would trigger in the driver the highest level of fear and self-preservation. Forget the guy who I just hit and if he needs and ambulance…gotta save yourself from getting caught for this one!

On every level of error and bad behavior, to whatever degree of "badness", your child knows the process. When they err…is their understanding, enlightenment, healing, acceptance and restoration? Or is their condemnation, judgment, rejection and pain?

Simba could have sung Psalm 23…
"Even tho' I walk thru the dark shadowy place where the hyenas wanna eat me, I won't be afraid, because your rod and staff they comfort me…"

Mufasa's rod was just like the ancient shepherd's rod: a weapon to be used against predators.
Mufasa's staff was just like God's: he taught and guided Simba away from that danger in a way Simba would understand and not fear.

And, Mufasa taught Simba that...
"When we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness…" (James)

The rebellious spirit in Simba that led him to defy Mufasa's orders was dealt with when Mufasa spent time with Simba and showed Simba his heart. When Mufasa spent time talking with and explaining to Simba what was really happening, Simba was forgiven and cleansed.

How about your kids? What do you teach them when you "teach them a lesson?" Not what do you think you're teaching them…put yourselves in their place and imagine being them…facing you…and what have they really learned to expect when they are naughty?

It's never too late to change your own naughty ways and start doing things differently...

The Lion King Clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=l1bWSYG3zgo

Seeing things thru others' eyes...

How many times has it been said by someone who got glasses that, "Wow! I can see! I had no idea how bad my vision was!" It's one of those things that we simply get used to seeing the world the way we see it…though our eyes.

Remember Romans 1 says that we can know how spiritual things are...how God is...by seeing how the physical world is. We see physically through our own eyes...and we do so spiritually as well. "Life" is like this. We get used to seeing the world (our world view) the way we're used to seeing it. We are used to seeing things "from our perspective"…from our "angle".

Glasses serve the human eye simply by changing the angle that the light hits our focus point. Right?
For those who are willing to try to see things from other people's perspective…from other "angles"…their world view will be constantly becoming clearer and clearer…more in focus.

Jesus said it this way, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." He was saying, "See life from their angle…" And, there is that old Indian saying about "walking a mile in the other guy's moccasins." Same thing.

As long as parents insist on seeing life through their own perspective…from their own angle…they may never know how blurry they are really seeing things. How distorted their vision of parenting is. If a mom would see life through her newborn's eyes…she wouldn't leave that baby to sleep in a crib in another room…she would not give the baby bottles instead of booby…and she would never let that baby cry itself to sleep.

If parents would see life through their children's eyes…they would never strike them…especially not in the name of Love.

If Christians would see the world through the "sinner's" eye…we would not parade around with hateful signs about groups of people.

If we would simply do unto others…walk a mile in the other guy's moccasins…the world would be a much different place.

Once you become willing to see things from your child's perspective it is just like the person who never knew what they couldn't see. You don't realize what you're not seeing…the beauty…the detail…the color…in the world…in other people…in our children…

Scratched and Dented vs. Pure

When it comes to something we see as "pure" we are very protective of it. Yes? You know what I mean...a new car. New furniture. New carpeting. New clothes. New shoes. Something that we see as "perfect" we tend to be very fussy about...very protective of and careful how we treat it. 

But...when it comes to something we already see as "blemished" we are not very worried about it.  Maybe some of you can related to this? Say you're driving a 1991 car that already has dents and scratches all over its faded paint...you pull into a parking lot. How concerned about where you park it will you be? Or, how about old nasty carpet...when you enter a room and look down and see old nasty carpet do you take your shoes off to walk across it? What about old shoes, now that we're talking about shoes? When someone steps on your feet when you are wearing shoes you've had for years and already worn in the mud...do you react and quickly check your shoes?

What if you're borrowing a friend's car...and it's 20 years old and all scratched and dented up. You pull into a parking lot and some beat up old jalopy pulls in next to you and the driver jumps out of his car and "smacks" his door up against the side of your car. How worried are you about that? But, what if you've borrowed your friend's brand new car and you pull into a parking lot and the same thing happens. Now how do you feel?

Our view of the "pureness" of something totally effects how we feel about that thing and therefore how we treat it. It also affects how we react to seeing that thing being harmed.

So...

Original Sin.

How do you see your children?

Do you see them as perfect...brand new...blemishless...without scratches or dents? Do you see them as something to be cared for with the utmost attention? Do you care "where you park them"? Do you use extra caution when doing anything near or around them so as to not mar them? Or do you see them as already a sinner?


What you believe about the condition your child arrives in will have an effect on every decision you make with that child. Every. One view will lead you to treat that child with the utmost respect and be highly protective of them...and the other will not.

So, where do you think that doctrine (Original Sin) comes from????

Worth thinkin' about...

(My dream car...a 1958 Impala...ain't she perdy?)

:)

Teaching your child to drive...

From 2001 to 2010 I lived in Guatemala. We lived way out in the boonies but we did hitch the wagon and head on into town several times a year. :) "Town" was Guatemala City and it was in 8 hour drive, so, when we did go to town we stayed about a week.

I love driving. Buddy the Elf said, "Smiling's my favorite." Well, driving is one of my favorites. But, whenever we left town and went into Guatemala City, the obvious choice of "who drives" is going to be the one who learned to drive in that wild n' crazy 3rd world country city, the one who knew his way around like the back of his hand because he'd been driving in there for 20 + years; my husband. Not me.

All together over those 9 years of living in Guatemala, we apparently spent over 110 days in Guatemala City (according to the computer record at Tikal Futura, the hotel we always went to). Whenever we went to the city we were there "for errands etc." so we spent little time in the hotel and spent all day driving all over the city.

I spent 110+ days over the course of 9 years riding all around Guatemala City. But, ya know what? If you dropped me in the middle of the city right now, gave me a car, and said, "Go to the hotel," I'd be stuck. I'd be lost. I have no idea how to get around the city.

Well, now we live in Florida. And, we've been here for several months. Having just moved here we've been running errands almost every day, and how great is it to have a GPS? How awesome is that to just get in your car and tell this thing on your dashboard where ya wanna go and it just tells you. You don't have to have any idea where you are or what you're doing it tells you! And, you make a mistake and it just says, "recalculating" and you're on the right path again! And, no matter where you are, you just hit the "go home" button and it tells you how to get home. How handy! Right?

Well, it occurred to me the other day that...I have no map inside my head with regard to "where we are". I had no idea which way was North/East/South/West...no idea which roads run parallel to which or "where" the different places we go "are" in relation to our house. No idea.

Hmmm...

Seems that when all the thinking is done for you that somehow...you don't think. You don't really learn.

So many Christian parents believe that the way to raise "godly children" is to "drive them around life"...to tell them what to do...where to go...how to get there...always. To control them in all of their choices so that they make good choices. One particular child-raising book (On Becoming Babywise) calls itself an "Infant Management System" and instructs parents to make every decision for the baby. Mom and dad are to decide when baby eats, when baby stops eating, what baby eats, how baby eats, when baby goes to sleep, when baby wakes; nothing is left up to the free will of the child. But, isn't that a lot like the baby being simply a "passenger" of life?

A child who is being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, with no option to choose to do anything else (or else they are punished) is not making any choices. A child in an environment like that is making only one choice: obey Mom and Dad or get punished.

So, how are they to develop a "road map" for their life in their heads which has them at this starting point feeling, "I'm hungry" and needing to get to the destination of "no longer hungry" and know how to make all the right turns? How are they to learn how to discern anything in life apart from what they are told to do? If at the very beginning of life when their choices were the simplest, "I'm hungry; eat. I'm no longer hungry; stop." were not choices they were allowed to learn to make? How are they to move on to more complex needs/desires and have any idea where to even start to be able to "plot a course" through life to fulfill those things?

A child living in a household where they are taught to "mind" their parents without question are just like me in the passenger's seat in Guatemala City. Yes, they are getting from "point A to point B" but they have no idea "how."

When we believe a person to be "rebellious" it is because we see them making wrong choices or "taking wrong turns" every step of the way, right? Often we see parents frustrated because their children seem to have no point or "destination" in life that they're moving toward. We wonder why it's stereotypical of Pastor's kids and Missionary's kids to "rebel" when they leave home...

It really is no mystery why children raised in authoritarian households grow up the way they do.

When the Bible talks about raising children up in the way they should go, it doesn't mean to be your child's dictator. Being a Christian is all about making right choices. Raising your children up in the way they should go, therefore, is to raise them up helping them learn how to make right choices. And, the only way to learn to make good choices is to choose.

The popular book, "On Becoming Babywise" has a "Christian" counterpart which claims to be "Growing Kids God's Way." But, it is nothing at all close to God's way. It is more like a manual to teach you how to teach your child to drive...by teaching the child to sit in the passenger's seat and wait for someone to drive them where they want to go.

In life we're peppered with choices all day long every day. Children raised to "obey" the person who has made all those choices for them all along learn only one thing in life and that is to identify the person "above" them and do what they tell them to. They do not learn how to "plot a course", they do not "have a map in their head" of what life is all about, and so they don't know how to "make the right turns" to get where they're going in life without someone telling them what to do, like a GPS, every step of the way. A grown-up who was raised this way ends up susceptible to cults and oppressive churches and leaders. This is not "God's way."

I decided this week to turn off my GPS and I printed out a map so that I can learn how to "think" about where I am, where I want to go, and how to get there...all on my own. I want to know where I am and when I've "gone too far" and need to make a U-turn. I want to know how to be where I'm supposed to be and how not to get lost...even when there's no one around to tell me what to do...That...is what I wanna do more and more with my own kids because that...is God's way...

My 3-yr old is seen here trying out "making choices" at the grocery store. She sure was sweet while she was choosing things! Most of the things she picked were things we buy sometimes...other things we would take back and simply put back on the shelf after we'd moved on... :)

Sadness vs Fear

We went to see a movie recently and in the movie some kids were on sort of a life-of-death scavenger hunt. One of the items they needed was in a vault protected by a huge, hideously ugly dragon. The dragon's keepers had some weird "shakers" with them and shook them as they approached the dragon who immediately went from fierce to trembling, cowering in fear. The keepers said that the dragon'd been trained to expect pain at the sound. So, tho' this dragon was well able to defeat any tiny human coming along, simply having its memories of being hurt stimulated completely debilitated it.

I believe most parents have ultimately trained up their children in the same way. 

I had an experience the other night with my 3-yr old that really proved the point that spanking is bad parenting. 

Tori is the only child of my 8 who has never been struck by me. I have never spanked her. We stopped spanking in this house when the 7th child was around 18 mos. old. And, so seeing her reactions to things is very "telling". It makes me so sad that it took so long for us to stop spanking. She is the only child of the 8 who reacts to things the way she does, and it is not just because of her temperament and personality.

What happened was for "whatever reason" that is likely in all honesty "just because" Tori decided while she was playing to cut loose and pee (about a half a gallon!) on one of our brand new very expensive dining room chairs. They have built-in cushions and I dunno how you all feel about pee in your furniture, but, I really dislike it. ;) So, my instant reaction was actually a lot of anger. I spoke to her very angrily, gruffly and harshly with the deep "angry mom" tone and a big-time angry face. I grabbed her arm and moved her aside in a rough manner and basically...I failed with my reaction. If "love does not take into account a wrong suffered" I totally forgot about love when I reacted to her because I was taking this into account. This stupid chair suddenly became more important to me than Tori.

But, this isn't about me and how not right I do stuff yet...it's about Tori and how right I believe someday she will do stuff. Because, her reaction was not like any of the other children's reactions have ever been.

When I realized what she'd done and began erupting in anger, she did not...
...get that "deer in headlights" look on her face.
She did not begin to plead with me, "It was an accident!"
She made no excuses.
She had no fear in her eyes.
But, the look on her face was one of intense grief. Her little heart was totally broken because I was mad at her.

While I took the chair off to see about cleaning it, she ran and curled up on my bed and began weeping. When my husband talked to her and asked her what was wrong she said, "Mommy's mad at me. I peed on her chair."

James says, "if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

If we confess...if we can admit what we've done...God will fix us.

This process is very difficult for those who have been taught to "expect pain" at the sound of a parent's angry voice. For a child who has been trained to expect pain when they do wrong, their focus is not on the wrong they've done...their focus is not on the fact that they've disappointed their parent...their focus is on themselves and on self-preservation; how to hide from the pain they're expecting.

I'm sad that I robbed my other 7 children of this freedom. But, I am excited for Tori that as she goes thru life that in all her relationships, including her relationship with God, that when she does wrong she'll be able to clearly see what she's done, she'll be able to feel first and foremost the pain that flows naturally from within when we realize we've done wrong, and she'll be able to freely (without fear) confess her sins (go to the one she's offended and apologize without making excuses)...and God will then be free to forgive her and cleanse her.

 

Preconceived Ideas

Imagine…you fill out your tax return and it says you're getting $1,000 back this year…but when the return arrives there is a letter stating that you've miscalculated and that the correct amount is actually written on the check they've sent you: $10,000. What would you do? How would you react?

Now, imagine…you fill out your tax return and it says you're getting $100,000 back this year! But, when the return arrives there is a letter stating that you've miscalculated and that the correct amount is actually written on the check they've sent you: $10,000. What would you do? How would you react?

Why is it then, that receiving the same amount of money from the gov't could produce such strongly different reactions?

It would seem that it not the actual "thing" we so much react to as it is our preconceived ideas about whatever it is.

Back in May I happened to turn on the TV and see a judge reading the rules to a jury for a trial which was just starting. I thought this was something "educational" so I sat and watched. THEN…the atty's were to give their opening remarks. I had never seen this before, either, so I thought I'd watch that, too, for the education. By the end of that day, I was sucked-in. And, I have tried to follow the Casey Anthony trial every day since when I have been able.

For me, I had seen the hype on TV about it 3 years ago when I was in a hotel in Guatemala City. Back then the media sure made it look like she was some rotten, evil, child-killer. So, when I heard the State's opening remarks my opinion was, "Burn her! She's a witch!" Right? I thought that until the defense made their opening remarks. Then, I sat rubbing my chin wondering, "hmmm…"

I had preconceived ideas about this case. I believe that that has had to have affected everything about how I have seen the whole trial. And, since today is the 4th of July…a day where we're thinking about "Freedom"…you could say that preconceived ideas rob you of your freedom to experience things as they truly are.

So, I am really "excited" to see what the jury comes back with. The jury is chosen based on them having no preconceived ideas or knowledge about the case. Their introduction to this case was not thru "Bill O'Reilly" or "Greta" or any of those Fox News' opinionated talk shows in the evening, but, merely by a presentation of the evidence…

I can't wait to see how they return the verdict based on merely the facts.

And, it makes me wonder if when Jesus said, "Don't judge"…if He'd maybe He meant, "Don't have preconceived ideas about people"…

You see a person with black fingernails and dark black eyeliner and immediately you form an opinion of that person even before you've spoken to them…that's judging. And, having those preconceived ideas about people before you meet them will affect every interaction you have with them…and that's kinda' sad. (How many friends do we miss out on in life because we decide how someone is and who they are before we even get to know them?)

It's also one reason to make sure to present yourself in a way to the world that their preconceived idea of you will be a good one…

It's also, now that I think of it, since this is where I always end up, it's another reason why the "doctrine of Original Sin" is so deadly serious in the world because it puts a preconceived buncha' beliefs about babies in parents' heads even before that baby is born. It robs you of your freedom to experience your newborn baby as they truly are. If you believe your baby is born a "sinner" then when that baby cries out to you, the way you see their cry is going to be tainted and you will be inhibited in your ability to see how your behavior is affecting your child, and you will be led to follow teachers and parenting practices that actually damage your child's developing brain and set them up for social struggles and failure the rest of their life…

Those are just my random thoughts for the day…

Easy Self-Test about "the use of the Biblical rod"

You know, the discussions about "spanking" can go round and round forever. People can play "battle of the verses" and can reason their side all day about "how" to "use the rod" that's spoken of in the Bible. Well, there is actually a really simple "test" in the Bible to reveal to each individual whether or not they are exercising the "use of the rod" correctly or not.

It's very simple: If you use an actual "rod" of some sort...take that "rod"...and put it before your child (or if the rod has a special place it hangs on the wall or something like it did in my home just take the child over before it). Ask your child how that object makes them FEEEEEL. Simple. Just ask them and listen to their answer. Don't prod them or lead them just try to get them to give you their honest answer...and then compare their response to Psalm 23...

David said: "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Your rod and your staff they comfort me."

Comfort. Does the way you use the rod in your home evoke the feelings of "comfort" in your child? If not, then something needs to be refined or adjusted in the way you use it until your child can answer that question that way. And, this is the evidence from within your own family, personal...not anyone else telling you what to do. Jesus said we'd know things by their fruits, and the fruits of God's rod produced "comfort" in David...so likewise it should produce the same in our children and then we'll know that we're using the rod the way God wants us to.

My opinion on this has a specific "mental picture". I have driven many miles to many "unknown" destinations in my life...(using a paper map for most of those years, eww!) I've literally made wrong turns and ended up driving thru some scary neighborhoods. I've also lived in Guatemala where I have seen people driving around with armed body guards on the backs of their trucks.

So, I see David in Psalm 23 saying that, "Though I drive thru the scariest parts of the scariest towns, I will fear no bad guys! Your ability to protect me and your guidance they comfort me!"

In the ancient times...Shepherds carried a staff...which they used for guiding sheep.

God is The Good Shepherd...His "staff" makes God the ultimate GPS in life.

In the ancient times...Shepherds carried a rod with spikes on the end...which they used for fighting off predators...(modern shepherds use guns).

God is The Good Shepherd...His "rod" makes Him one mighty powerful body guard on the back of our truck to protect us from bad guys.

Ancient shepherd's rod. 

Nothing at all like a spatula, open hand, switch, paddle or wooden spoon.

Clearly not for hitting sheep. 

Clearly capable of bringing comfort to one being protected by it.

Look at it this way, there are two options: 

If you were driving thru a scary part of a strange town with an angry mob chasing you trying to kill you (the valley of the shadow of death)...would you find it very "comforting" if whenever you took a wrong turn your GPS would sometimes cause an electrical current to flow thru your steering wheel and give you a painful shock? This is the correct metaphor to use if the "rod" spoken of in the Bible is for striking children. And, a good question is where is God's protection here? Who is doing the protecting in this situation?

If you were driving thru a scary part of a strange town with an angry mob chasing you trying to kill you (the valley of the shadow of death)...would you find it very "comforting" if whenever you took a wrong turn the GPS would consistently, faithfully, and patiently say, "Recalculating" and tell you which way to keep going? And, would it be "comforting" if meanwhile, a big buff body guard with a big buff gun was riding on the back of your truck ever vigilant to make sure no bad guys got near ya? This is the correct metaphor to use if the "rod" spoken of in the Bible is for striking predators.

It's really so simple.
It's really so important.

However we use "the rod" in our homes...that is how our children will believe God guides them. And, if God's "rod" is the first one that hurts you whenever you take a wrong turn, I'd say that it would create a world where there is no distinction between bad guys and God because we would fear both of them. And, how sad that has to make God...

If your child is "afraid" of your rod...you might want to read this... 

The Body as God's Communication Connection

(This is something I wrote a while ago and am just moving it over to here to have all of this stuff "in one place")

A practical way that the doctrine of "Original Sin" really goes against God and sets us up for relationship struggles and disease...

If you park a car on your foot, God has designed your body that you will feel pain. That pain is not God punishing you for making the error of parking a car on your foot. The pain is not God putting pain on you to teach you a lesson. The pain is a natural physical protective system that God has built into us to protect us. If you are responsive to the pain in your foot you will remove the car and save yourself further pain and damage and possible crippling. If you are not sensitive to the pain, or take drugs to make the pain go away, you will end up crushing your foot, ruining your foot, making yourself incapable of walking, or ending up with some sort of infection from the broken bones and dying.

SO…when you do something like start looking at porn on the internet. God has also set up a natural system to alert you to this danger. You get sick. It is not God punishing you for the sin of looking at porn, nor is it God "putting that sickness on you" to teach you a lesson. It is a natural system designed to protect us by warning us that there is a spiritual car on our spiritual foot and that if we don't remove it, we could suffer great consequences. If we focus on making the "disease" go away, so we can feel better, we are not supposed to fear that which can destroy our body but that which can send us to hell, and so if we make the pain go away, we can persist in our sin and can end up "in hell"...

God has designed our bodies to send us messages for our good when anything attacks us or threatens our well-being.

Now, if you look at the doctrine of "Original Sin"…that doctrine says that our flesh yearns for sin…tends toward sin… What is that REALLY telling us?

For one thing, for example, if I believe that "you" are a liar that you just lie lie lie all the time; I'm not going to believe a word you say. And, so, if I believe my body wants to sin, desires to sin, lives to sin, loves to sin, and is naturally sinful...because it came firing into this world as one big sin-seeking missile...I'm not going to trust the messages my body sends me.

And, if I believe that sin is what nailed Jesus to the cross...that sin is God's enemy... what is that going to teach me about "me" if I believe my body just comes out of the womb yearning for and tending toward sin and that sin flows in my veins?? How will that effect how I treat "me"? How I view "me" and how I love "myself"? Remember that Jesus said the 2nd greatest commandment was to love your neighbor "as you love yourself". How in the world can I love the world then if I see myself as a big pile of sin that nailed Jesus to the cross?

And, what am I going to believe about what my body tries to tell me? What am I going to think of mySELF if my body is God's enemy? What am I going to think of mySELF if my body is MY enemy? How is one to separate the sin that is "in me" from "me"? How am I to "hate the sin" and yet love myself? How am I ever to trust myself when sometimes my body tells me to do things that feel good…things that are actually good…how am I to trust that if it feels good it's OK to do it if I think that my body craves sin?

I believe that believing that my body is born yearning for sin that it will make God a liar because God says that the truth is on my heart. God says that He's put eternity on my heart. God has constructed my body to be able to warn me when I enter into sin and if I accuse my body of being "sinful" I am making God a liar and I have cut off one major form of communication between me n' God…

Not trusting the signals our own bodies give us will lead women to ignore their "instincts" and allow their baby to cry themselves to sleep even though everything about them is screaming to pick up that baby. A lady will outside her baby's closed bedroom door listening to that baby cry its tiny heart out and she won't go to it because someone taught her not to and she will tell herself not to "give in to her flesh". She sees her flesh as "weak" and "sinful" and desiring only to pleasure itself and so the communication that God is sending that woman thru the body He created her with will go ignored...and both she and the baby will suffer for it. 

Not trusting the signals our own bodies give us will lead well-meaning parents to hit their kids "in love". Though every time they walk away from having spanked their child they feel "icky" inside and feel like they need to "justify" their actions...they will continue to do what their body is signaling to them is wrong because they believe that their child was "born sinful" and has to have that sin controlled...and they will believe that they too must not "give in to their flesh" and NOT whack their kid. 

Most Christians would see total revolution in their way of seeing the world and seeing God if they were to simply "if it doesn't feel good...don't do it!" Our bodies alert to us when we're entering into sin. When we even THINK about sinning we feel "icky". If only we were to listen to our bodies we would avoid so much ill in society. 

Just the simple act of ignoring the communication of our bodies telling us to pick up that screaming baby...have ramifications into many future generations. Every baby suffers when they are ignored and there is a wide range of ways that they cope. All of the babies/children/adults express their experience of being left to cry-it-out differently, but all of them without exception suffer and ultimately it is God who suffers the most. From the one who simply struggles to trust himself, others, and God...to the one who ends up in anti-social criminal behavior...all of the effects of that one simple thing hurt God. 

For children who are purposely hurt (by spanking) by those they love and trust the most...eventually will see that as God. When something goes wrong in their life (or satan comes and steals, kills and destroys in their life) who will get the blame for it? The one who they look up to in place of their parents now; God. Surely they have done something wrong and deserve to be punished. God gets the blame. All because the parents of that grown-child did not respond to their own body's signals that to tell them that spanking their child was wrong...

God speaks to our hearts, don't we all agree? He has that still small voice and we just "feel" it? How much of that communication is also interrupted or cut off because we do not know how to hear what our bodies are saying to us?

God is the ultimate suffer-er from the sin that's caused by the belief that our bodies are born sinful. :(

Some points to remember if you investigate this:

- If you look into it do not use an NIV or many of the other modern translations. There is a very popular verse in the NIV (Psalm 51:5) which in the original text (as well as in the NASB and the KJV and others) says, "in sin did my mother conceive me." David's mother was not the mother of his 12 other brothers. The NIV has it translated, "I was sinful from the time my mother conceived me"...This is a complete twisting of the original text.

- The ancient and modern Jews did not and do not believe babies are born sinful...they believe we become accountable for our sin at age 13-14. They "wrote the Bible". They would not have put a teaching of "sinful from birth" in their writings as they did not believe that.

- Jesus reached an age of accountability... Isaiah 7:14-16

- Sin is something you do in your heart...not with your body...paralyzed people can sin...even have sexual sin...because it is in the mind/heart not your body which you sin with.

- You must have the ability to reason and choose to sin...because sin is a choice to do what you know is wrong or not do what you know is right.

- The truth is on your heart...and is evident in nature (Romans 1)...

"As you love yourself" 2

So much emphasis in parenting is placed on "teaching obedience" and parents will resort to and justify  just about anything to get their kids to obey. But, Jesus says the greatest commandment is TO LOVE God...and the 2nd greatest commandment is to love others as we loves ourselves. So, if we're going to talk about "training" or "raising" our children...with this in mind...how do we "train" a child to love themselves? 

Because we are instructed to "love others AS WE LOVE OURSELVES"…it would seem that loving yourSELF would be a pretty foundational "skill" we'd need to "teach" our children. And, that's not so simple. No. You can't teach a kid to love themselves by closing a door on a crying baby and leaving them to cry alone...or by handling a tough discipline problem by whacking your child. No. Teaching a child to "love" themselves is not something you can walk away from or do with force, threats, and fear.

So, how to teach our children to "love themselves"???

And, remember the list of what LOVE (or God) IS...

Love (God) is patient
Love (God) is kind
Love (God) is not jealous
Love (God) does not brag and is not arrogant
Love (God) does not act unbecomingly
Love (God) does not seek its own
Love (God) is not provoked
Love (God) does not take into account a wrong suffered
Love (God) does not rejoice in unrighteousness
Love (God) rejoices with the truth
Love (God) bears all things
Love (God) believes all things
Love (God) hopes all things
Love (God) endures all things.
Love (God) never fails

So, if we teach by example...we teach our kids to be patient by being patient with them. We can't do this by closing them up alone in a room, putting them on a schedule, or by threatening or striking them.

We teach them to not be jealous by making them so secure in who they are that they won't find things threatening and become jealous. We can't do this by closing them up alone in a room, putting them on a schedule, or by threatening or striking them.

We make them not be arrogant or brag by serving and treating them with love so that they will not want to have better things than others or feel a need to prove their own worth because they have no doubt in how much they are worth. We can't do this by closing them up alone in a room, putting them on a schedule, or by threatening or striking them.

We teach them to "not seek their own" by always serving them and teaching them by example that their needs are fulfilled by a source outside themselves. And, thru our example that the greatest joy in life is to serve others. If we close them up in a room alone, threaten them or strike them they will learn that they are the only one who is trustworthy and safe...the only person they can count on and that if they don't look out for #1 no one else will.

We teach them to not take wrongs into account by always listening to them and helping them always to resolve their feelings. We teach them not to take wrongs into account by being humble and apologizing to them when we fail. By monitoring our own behavior in the way we treat them and making sure to right the wrongs we do to them, we teach them how to make things right when relationships have trouble. We teach them to "not let the sun go down on their anger" rather than burying feelings alive which never die...and keeping an account of all the wrongs they've suffered. We can't do this by closing them up alone in a room, putting them on a schedule, or by threatening or striking them.

We teach them to rejoice in the truth when we treat them with respect, sensitivity, and empathy and always respond to them according to their cues. When we hear their cries as a newborn, or later their complaints when they're older and can talk...when we listen to what's going on and we investigate their cries and do our best to soothe them and lead them to resolution of their troubles we show them that they matter which teaches them to rejoice in the truth. When we do not harshly scold and punish them when they err...when we look at the wrong they've done and gently guide them toward the truth we teach them that exposing "lies" is a reason to rejoice because it leads to the truth! We can't do this by closing them up alone in a room, putting them on a schedule, or by threatening or striking them.

We teach them to "bear all things" with our own attitudes toward them. When we always joyfully care for them no matter what the circumstance...when we do not whine and complain about needing time away from them we teach them how to bear all things. We can't do this by closing them up alone in a room, putting them on a schedule, or by threatening or striking them.

We teach them to believe, hope, and love and that love never fails by never leaving them all alone to cry until they give up all belief and hope that anyone will answer them? By always coming to them and comforting them according to their cry will show them that love never fails. We can't do this by closing them up alone in a room, putting them on a schedule, or by threatening or striking them.

Romans 1 says that everything knowable about God is evident in the Creation...and science has proven that to NOT treat a child with empathy leads to all sorts of pathology. It is like the worst things you can do to a future adult. Children denied this empathic treatment in their first three years of life will suffer for it for the rest of their life as it does something to their brain's development that leads to social disorders, anger issues, depression, and the list goes on...Basically, science has shown us that closing them up alone in a room, putting them on a schedule, threatening and striking them does not lead to anything good in the adult...

Check yourself throughout the day as you interact with your child. How often do you resort to closing them up alone in a room? How scheduled is their life? Can they eat when they want? How often do you resort to threats when dealing with them? How often do you actually hit them to get them to do what you want? Know that none of these things, though they do result often in an "obedient" child...obedience is not the 2nd greatest commandment...and the way you are getting your child to obey will interfere with your child's future ability to follow those commandments...

Everything you do with your baby…particularly in the first year of life…is laying the foundation for them for the rest of their life. How you treat them is how they learn to love themselves and how they will ultimately love others…love God…and feel loved by God.

"The hand that rocks the cradle" shapes the minds and hearts of the next generation.

The hand that rocks the cradle truly does "rule the world"...and if you treat your child with LOVE...you are allowing God to be the one to rock that cradle...