(Self) Discipline ≠ (Self) Punishment

I was out planting flowers and something "hit" me...When we talk of having "self discipline" what do we mean?

Online dictionary defines it:
correction or regulation of oneself for the sake of improvement

Online dictionary says synonyms for it are:
continence, restraint, self-command, self-containment, self-control, self-discipline, self-government, self-mastery, self-possession, self-restraint, willpower

This is interesting when you consider the popular idea among parents is that "discipline" is punishment that is aimed at breaking your child's will.

Hmmm...

Something's wrong somewhere, don't you think?

If discipline is punishment then self discipline would be punishing yourself. Right? But, that doesn't work. That doesn't make sense because we know that when you practice self discipline that your life is the opposite of punished...because exercising self-discipline brings rewards.

Self discipline is that stuff you need to have to be on a diet, right? But, while restraining yourself from over indulging in fatty foods may be hard...it isn't punishment nor is it "painful" but it yields a reward...of a smaller waistline. Right?

Self discipline is what you need to have to not stay up too late when you have to get up in the morning. It may be hard to walk away from facebook or your blog or to turn off that favorite TV program and go to bed when you really wanna stay up, but, in the morning, you're rewarded by being not overly tired...or grouchy... 

Self discipline is what you need when you are out at a store and you really need to watch your spending. It may be hard to not buy those things that you see that you realllllly want...but...at the end of the month there is more $ in your bank account for bills and groceries and less to fight about with your spouse and more money in savings for an unexpected problem like new tires or whatever! Right!

Self-discipline is what one needs to learn any new skill that takes practice. It may be hard to continue trying and trying when you keep failing. With some new tasks the learning can be really brutal (like gymnastics or figure skating or the studying required when becoming a doctor). It may seem overwhelming at times to learn but if you persevere you have the joy of learning that new skill to the point it can become even 2nd nature!

Self discipline at the time sucks, doesn't it? You really want to eat that big piece of chocolate cake...or scroll thru your newsfeed just one more time...or buy that purse you don't need! It's hard and you almost resent not giving in to what you want! But! The more you do it the easier it comes and then! You get rewarded!

Hebrews 12:11

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

So, as parents who desire to parent as our heavenly Father does...how can we teach our children...
self-command
self-containment
self-control
self-discipline
self-government
self-mastery
self-possession
self-restraint
to be able to self-correct or regulate of themself for the sake of improvement
and to have power over their wills?

Can children learn all these things if parents always...
command them
contain them
control them
punish them
boss them
rule over them
restrain them
never let them make any choices
and punish them for exercising their wills?

No. They can't.

Children can't learn self-discipline as long as parents mistakenly believe that the definition of "discipline" is punishment.

You reap what you sow, right? You want to grow children who have the fruit of self-discipline you must discipline them as God does. If you want children who are able to "self correct or regulate themselves for the sake of improvement and have will power" you must sow seeds by reasoning and correcting. You plant seeds of reason and correction and your child will grow to be able to reason and self correct. 

You cannot do that with punishment or pain. 

God IS love. 

Perfect love casts out fear. 

God's discipline leads to life and reward. 

God's discipline leads to the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

If you want to parent as God does your "discipline" likewise should not involve fear and should lead to life and reward for your child.

If your child is afraid and your discipline leads to pain and punishment...you are not doing what you see your Father doing...and it will lead only to death...

(see 20reasonsnottospank.blogspot.com)

The voice of self-hatred wasn't me

So, there's this video going around right now that actually changed my life...my future... 

It's the "Dove Beauty Sketches."

If you haven't seen it...it starts off with some women going in and sitting down beside a partition with a man (sketch artist) on the other side. 

The woman is then asked questions about what she looks like and the man draws what she tells him to...

After she's done, another person who was instructed to spend time with her earlier is asked the same questions about her. Now there are two sketches. One is how the woman sees herself and the other is how others see her...

The one that is done based off of what the woman says about herself is not as good. 

The women are then brought back in to see the sketches. This lady's reaction really hit me and made me cry...because it was at this moment I realized something...

As I watched the video, I realized where Dove was trying to go with this...that "you are more beautiful than you think." They were trying to show us that others see us more favorably than we see ourselves and that our view of ourselves is lower than reality. But...what really hit me was...

I realized that if I was to sit across "from you" having coffee and was to describe myself, I'd say things like...that I have a nasty double chin and my eyes look so ugly and weirdly shaped when I smile. My skin is getting old looking. My teeth are all messed up in front from drinking soda my whole life and..." the list would go on. And, I realized that were I to go off to this sketch artist in my normal way of describing myself...that he would not draw an "accurate" picture of me. I would look at his drawing and see that it was "not me."

Being sort of a "perfectionist" in some areas (like formatting my posts, etc.) this really hit me because if I was to instruct him on how to make his final product "accurate" I would have to describe myself completely differently.

See, the revelation for me was not in that others see me differently than I do...it was in realizing that I see me differently than I do.

What hit me was that I don't actually see myself the way I think I do. I already know that the way I describe myself is wrong. What then makes me speak of myself as I do? Why do I think I see myself so poorly? Why do I think that every part of me isn't good enough and doesn't measure up and "is ugly?" 

Because of how I was raised.

I was "taught" to see myself this way. I was taught that I was not good enough. I was taught that when I look in the mirror that person staring back at me doesn't measure up in any way. That's what was pounded into my head over and over, day after day, my whole formative years.

And, that belief that was put on me...that belief that was given to me...isn't me. Those thoughts aren't mine. Yet, somewhere along the line I adopted them as mine. I took them as my thoughts and those thoughts literally almost killed me so many times in my life...

Times that I've gotten SO LOW because I was overwhelmed with feeling inadequate and I was totally focused on all the things I can't do...don't do...won't do...times when I was focused on all the ways me, my body, and the way I live my life are not good enough...those times weren't ME. Those times were "that voice" that was put inside my head. Not me. 

I've been allowing someone else's voice to "possess" me in some sense and I've been believing a lie that that voice is me. The voice of self-hatred is not a voice of "self" hatred at all. It's simply "hatred" and it came from outside of me and it isn't ME. 

I don't hate me.

I don't think I'm good-for-nothing.

I don't think I'm worthless.

I don't think I'm inadequate.

I don't think I don't measure up.

I don't think that nothing I do is good enough.

And, it was in those short 3 minutes of watching that video that this hit me...

And, it was during those short 3 minutes that the 44 years' strangle hold that that other voice had over my life was taken away from it...

Sorry, other voice, but your time of controlling me is over...

Let's play, "Pretend!"

"Let's pretend..."

Did you ever play that as a kid? I did. I had 2 friends who lived on my block and that was probably our most common thing to say after, "Hi." We pretended we had pet deer that lived under my porch. Can't remember much beyond that (as far as plot!) but I do remember we always, "played pretend."

A few days ago I had an experience that made me feel really icky while it was happening. My 7 and 4 year olds were playing with some 5 year old neighbors while the mom visited with me. One of the neighbor girls came running in almost crying and said, "Mom! Elisa is telling me that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny don't exist!"

Ugh oh. Instantly I thought, "Hmmm...we have always told the kids that those things aren't real, but, I guess I never told them to keep that a secret!"

Back when this first became an issue in my life my husband at that time (who is now dead) was against it. He had a bad experience with it because he remembered feeling like a total fool when he found out and he never wanted to do that to his own kids. So, we just never started it and have never done it.

I said, "Sorry," to the mom who said, "don't worry about it, it happens!"

A few minutes later then the other kid comes running in and says, "Mom!!! Tori says that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Sandman and the Tooth Fairy aren't real!!!!"

She was a little more upset than the other girl was and so this time I called for Tori to come over and sit on my lap. As she approached me she said, "She thinks Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are real!!!" I sat her on my lap and cupped my hand around her ear and said to her, "Tori. They believe that all those things are real because their mom and dad tell them that they are."

That felt a little icky.

Tori turns to me with a puzzled look on her face and says, "But? They're fake!"

I could feel her confusion at my behavior. My behavior that was going completely opposite of my normal character...

While the mom sat by me and comforted and reassured her daughters that those things really are real I proceeded to tell Tori to not tell her friends that they are not real anymore...and I started to feel that same icky feeling you get any time you're doing something wrong....and I wondered even as I was still speaking if the 50 year old me would look back on this moment and see so clearly how wrong I was to be saying the words I was saying to her, "Tori, don't tell them that they're fake anymore, OK?"

The conversation that had just happened is not uncommon in our country, is it? Most people tell their kids that all those things are real until those kids have enough cognitive abilities to figure out, "duh" on their own.

Why did I feel icky? Is it because I'm that legalistic and that stuck in my ways? No. We feel icky when we do what's wrong because God designed our bodies to tell us the truth. 

The truth.

The reason I felt icky was because basically I was telling Tori that lying is OK if it is for fun. 

Tori in her 4 year old innocence identified that her friends believe something untrue. She did the same thing I do when I find out people believe something untrue...she tried to correct them. She turned the light on. She identified the lie and told them what the truth was. 

Really, it is quite cool she did that and she should have been commended but...she was taken aside by her role model who has taught her the truth and to speak the truth and told, "Let's help that other mother lie to those girls and let's let those girls believe a lie. OK?"

I felt like I was confusing my daughter and marring my own reputation with her by this whole situation.

Because this is SO common in our culture, people don't accept or like to even think that there can be anything WRONG with it. But, just because something's common doesn't mean it's normal or good. And, just because kids are told something that's not real is real for fun...doesn't make it not a lie, does it?

If you're a non-Christian you can go ahead and skip to the very end from here...but for the Christian...

1 John 2:21

I have not written to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie is of the truth.

Jesus is the way and the truth and the life...

Someone else...is a liar and the father of lies, right?...

Maybe you never really thought about it before. It's tradition. It's habit. It's our culture. It's just what you've always done and you really think it's OK because you're only lying for fun. I understand that. It's fun to see the kids so excited about Santa or whatever, I know. But, in everything we do with our children we are teaching them about life and how to live it. And, no matter why we do this...no matter how innocent our motives are...what we really are communicating with our actions is that...lying for fun is OK. 

And, really...when do we lie for any other reason? Do you ever lie to get yourself into trouble, cost you money, or make you have pain? No! Lying is always for some sort of "pleasure." So, no matter how much this is just a "tradition" for us...if we're lying, we're lying and why is lying about Santa...on Jesus' birthday...any different?

Does the Bible ever say anywhere that there are grades of lying? That some lies are OK and others are bad? Does the Bible say that if you're lying for "evil" purpose then THAT is bad but if you're lying to have fun that's OK?

I use "Biblegateway.com" to copy/paste Bible verses when I type here and I encourage you just to go over there and type in the key word "lie" or "liar" or type in "lie truth" in the keyword search and see what verses come up about lying. Lying...is only one thing: bad!

I believe I felt icky the other day encouraging my future adult who I sure hope seeks and stands up for truth...to let her friends believe a lie...I believe, because it was wrong of me to do so. 

"Aw, c'mon! It's all in fun! What's the harm in it? You're overreacting! You're taking this too seriously!!!!"

I fear as I consider posting this that that's how it'll be received. People will find this annoying and judgmental. But, it's something that always gets me every time this topic comes up and I can't let it just go after what happened with my little one!

If you are not a Christian and don't buy into the whole "religious" argument against it...why would you want to be basically training your children up and teaching them and sometimes lies are OK if they're for having fun?

Going to parties your parents don't want you to go to is fun. So, will it be OK for your kids to lie to you about that someday? Don't kid yourself that those associations don't get made, because they do...

And, why would you want your child to look like a fool? We knew a kid once who was in the double digits for age and argued and swore up and down that she KNEW that Santa (etc) were real because her parents told her so! I often wondered how that child felt after having argued so vehemently once she found out she'd been lied to?

I was at Home Depot one day for that Saturday morning craft thing and I saw a boy who looked to be about 10 - 12 yrs old holding an iPad with a really cool case on it. 

I said, "Ooh! Where'd you get that case?" 

He said, "Santa." 

That just totally made my "surge protector" flip its switch. I couldn't make sense of what he'd said! 

I blinked and said, "What?" 

He repeated, "Santa. I got it from Santa."

Then, I got it. I looked at this 5 foot tall kid standing there with a $300 "toy" that he got "from Santa" and I waited for his eyes to twinkle with "just kidding about the Santa part I mean I got it for Christmas ask my dad where he got the case..." but he looked almost as confused at me as I was looking at him. I looked at his dad standing next to him and waited also for some glimmer of "sense" in this situation but the dad just stood frozen like, "Don't tell him!"

Inside I wanted to say, "Dad! Are you kidding me? Your kid is old enough to do algebra and probably is growing hairs in his armpits, what the heck are you telling him Santa is real for?!" 

My oldest daughter was with me and she could see the look on my face and she KNOWS me...and I'm sure she was praying, "Oh God! Don't let her speak! Don't let her speak!" hahahaha

ANYWAY...

The short moral to this long ranting story is...

You don't have to lie to kids to have fun with them!!!!!!

None of my kids believe or have believed in Santa or the Easter Bunny or any of that, but they do not have any less fun with those holidays than anyone else. No! And, in fact! Some of them when they were younger actually would choose to "pretend" that Santa was coming. They would talk about Santa and I'd say, "But you know he's not real!" and they'd tell me they were pretending.

So, you don't have to lie.

You can have just as much fun doing with kids what they love to do anyway: pretend!!

Then, they can know they can ALWAYS trust you.

Then, the fun doesn't even have to be over when they're able to use their brains and figure out "the truth" for themselves. Who doesn't love pretending? You could even pretend that Santa's coming till your kids are grown and the whole family could have fun with it...without ever having to admit to your kids that you'd been lying to them for years!

After that experience with my daughter...I'm not going to tell my kids to keep their mouths shut about stuff like this anymore. I'm not going to tell my kids to help other parents lie...because I don't think I would be able to keep going in life if I ever caught God in even a little white lie. It would make me question everything He said...and without faith...we got nuttin'! 

If anyone posts this on facebook who happens to be my friend...please do not tag my name with it!!! I don't want anyone offended by me but I had to vent this!!!!

"I was spanked and I'm OK!" Really?

Let's talk about what's "OK!" 

Are you not easily upset?
Are you not easily hurt by others?
Are you not effected by others' opinions of you?
Are you unconcerned with "measuring up" to what others think of you?
Are you confident in yourself and who you are?
Are you confident that you are loved?
Are you not full of fears?
Are you capable of dealing with stressors without "freaking out?"
Are you confident in your relationship with your spouse?
Do you always feel loved by your spouse?
Do you feel like you matter?
Do you feel like a success?
Do you feel valuable?
Do you feel beautiful/handsome?
Do you feel worthy of others' love?
Do you have no issues with anger?
Do you have no issues with anxiety?
Do you have no struggle with depression?
Do you have no struggles with self-doubt?
Do you feel others respect you?
Do you have no eating issues or struggle with your weight?
Do you not have issues with drinking or drugs?
Do you have very little illness in your life?
Do you enjoy life?
Do you enjoy an issue-free disinhibited sex life with your spouse?
Do you do well when you have conflict with others?
Do you recuperate well when you have conflict with others?
Do you easily forgive others?
Do you easily forgive yourself?
Do you not hold grudges?
Do you easily come up with ways to repair mistakes you've made?
Do you not find contradictory opinions threatening to you?
Do you easily read blog posts you disagree with without your blood pressure rising or feeling the need to attack the person or mock them? ;)
Do you have confidence that God's approved you?

If you were spanked and you can answer yes to all these then...then yes, you can honestly claim that you were spanked and "you're OK."

So, what do you think?

Were you "spanked and OK" or...were you...just spanked?

I know I know...you are saying this is unfair. That all that stuff is over the top! Unrealistic! No one could say, "yes" to all those! You want to say that the "no's" you had to some of those questions "are normal" and have nothing to do with being spanked or not being spanked, because EVERYONE has some issues! Ridiculous! Right?

Yes. "Everyone" does seem to have issues. But, that doesn't mean those issues are "normal" for humans to have them. And, actually, trying to compare yourself to others to determine if you're "OK" or not is not a true measure of "OK" because...People often confuse what's common with what's normal.

Over 90% of parents admit to spanking their children. That makes it common. Therefore, the majority of the world is going to be "like you" if you were spanked. The characteristics found in children raised in a punitive household and how that makes them turn out as adults is therefore going to be what's common. But, not...what's normal.

Find someone you know who has never been hit/spanked by their parents, but was instead talked to and taught lessons with words. (Not talking about the parents who are absent and don't do anything at all with their kids...I'm talking about the people who discipline their children but without spanking...ever...not even once.) Talk to them about how they are. See how OK they are? See what you think then? Then, see if you still wanna say, "I was spanked...and I'm OK..."

"I was never spanked...and I'm not OK!!!

I'm awesome!!"

In about 15 years you could talk to my youngest child and she will be able to tell ya how it worked for her. Till then...you can click here to see how it's turning out so far...




For more reasons 
not to spank 
check here:

Parents who shine like The Man in the Moon

I watched "The Rise of the Guardians" last night for the 1st time and saw something that is there is a common "theme" you see in movies like this...and it's got me thinking...

Jack Frost wakes up one day "as Jack Frost" and has no idea why or who he is. 

There is a scene then where he looks up at the all-knowing "man in the moon" and asks what his purpose is. 

And, the moon...is silent... 

Santa, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, etc...are told by the moon that Jack Frost is to be one of them: a guardian of children. So, Jack is brought in to be officially declared a guardian...He asks what would make them think he wants to be one? They said that the man in the moon told them he was.

For one thing this whole process reminds me of how Christians attempt to evangelize, but, that will be another day...

What Jack says next is what has me thinking. He says, "The man in the moon talks to you? Why didn't he just tell me himself?"

This is a common theme in movies. The "highest power" that all the characters seek out for wisdom, instruction, guidance and help...is mysterious, silent...or confusing. And, usually unreliable, absent, random, and no help at all with the main problem in the story.

Like...

The Lion King...Simba cries out to his (dead) father who randomly appears in the sky with some advice that leaves Simba with only questions.

The Lion, Witch n' Wardrobe...Aslan appears randomly and often gives very mysterious advice that again...leaves the characters with questions and fighting many battles all alone.

Harry Potter...Dumbledore also appears randomly to help the children and the advice he gives is often almost a riddle...and is not present when the children face all their battles.

You get the idea.

In all of these movies the "all knowing" character who is "like a god" in the stories...is who they seek for "wisdom" and look up to and revere...but they never get straight or helpful answers from this "god" and the main characters are totally on their own to win the battles and defeat the "evil" in the story. Always!

The people involved in making all these movies are not one tiny group of people. There are so many people involved and yet this theme comes up again and again. Where would such a common cultural "belief" come from?

"Neurons the wire together fire together."
"Your experiences in your first few years of life lay the foundation for what you expect for all future relationships."

I spent most of my parenting days "in the closet." No! Not to hide from my kids! But, from all the old wives! :) Most of what I did as a parent after my 1st child...was not "the norm." One thing I definitely hid was my habit of responding immediately to my children when they cried...or even responding to the signals that they were GOING to cry. I had gotten the "don't pick them up every time they cry or you'll turn them whiny/clingy" advice over and over. But, I suspected that if I responded to them right away that I would teach them to get what they want/need...without crying. 

When my 7th child was a baby, I took that a step further, even. I would leave her on my (king sized) bed to take her naps because I didn't use a cage (oops! ;) I mean crib!). I'd leave the baby monitor right next to her and close the door so all the random noises that happened in our house of 9 (at that time) that was also always full of neighbor kids wouldn't wake her.

She always woke up with the
most awesome wild hair!!!

I got to thinking one day of what waking up alone on my bed was like for her from her perspective? So, she awakens from sleep and is all alone. She looks and I am nowhere to be seen. She cries out to me but all she sees is...a closed door...and all she hears in response to her cry is silence... 

But, because I had that monitor with me, I would even hear her even as she started to change her breathing that signaled that she was waking up. By the time she was in the middle of a breath to let our her 2nd cry I was half-way up the stairs to the room.

She also always woke up
smiling :)

When I was doing this, I would almost always picture "certain people" I had known in my life who had  told me not to pick my baby up every time they'd cry or else they'd become "spoiled" and "clingy." I often thought how disapprovingly they'd look at me seeing me springing in immediate response to my baby's first peeps. (I guess not only was I going to make them spoiled and clingy but I was letting THEM be in control of me?!) 

But, I wondered, "how would consistently always coming when my baby cried out to me make my baby clingy?" Clingy is just another word for insecure. How would consistently and promptly responding make her insecure? It seemed more to me like I would make her MORE secure because I would fill her with that confidence that I'd ALWAYS come. But, it was just a gut feeling I had and so I kept it to myself.

Then, it even occurred to me that not only would it make her more secure in ME but...by extension...it would make her more secure with God.

I just couldn't take enough
pics of her crazy hair!!!

How many times do we cry out to God and hear "silence" and see only a "closed door?" How many times do we cry out to God and see nothing happening? And, how many times do we end up feeling like He is not responding to us? He's not hearing us? He's not...coming?

If every time...day after day...over and over...as my baby's little brain was shaping it's world view...if every time she cried out when she was all alone and all she could see was a closed door...if every time I showed up responsively...what else could it train her up to believe but that God...would be doing the same thing? That when she'd pray...that though she could "see nothing happening" somewhere inside her heart she'd "just know" that God was coming?

This was when I began to step out of the closet boldly. No more hiding and pretending that I agreed with the old wives tales...because I started to do research and found out that not only was this my opinion...this was hard science!

So, back to The Guardians and the popular movie theme of inconsistent, mysterious, unreliable and unavailable gods...If me being consistently responsive to my child when she was all alone and crying out could produce a person who would someday have the confidence in God that no matter what He was hearing her and responding even when she could "see" nothing...Where would the common theme that God is mysterious, speaks in riddles, is random in appearing, is actually sorta' useless and powerless and leaves you to fight your own battles, and always leaves you alone when all is dark...come from? 


"Neurons the wire together fire together."
"Your experiences in your first few years of life lay the foundation for what you expect for all future relationships."

Back in 1997 I bought a book in a "Christian" bookstore. "On Becoming Babywise." It is a book which reportedly has sold over a million copies...and then has surely been "loaned" out to just as many. Among the advice in this book is the advice to leave babies to cry themselves to sleep...to "learn to self-soothe." And, when you read thru this book most of the advice is basically instructing the parents to be UNresponsive to the child's cues.

This book is not alone in giving this advice, either. This book was not a response to new child development research or anything scientific. The author didn't even have a college degree when he wrote the book. All this book is is recycled old wives tales that we've all heard our whole lives. When I opened this book and started to read it back in 1997 I thought it "made sense" because...I didn't know any better. It was simply agreeing with what every old wife around had told me. 

Proponents of the practice of allowing babies to cry themselves to sleep insist that the children do learn to settle themselves and "self-soothe" because...they go to sleep. Proponents of being unresponsive to children's cues insist that the parent's being in this "total control" of everything promotes security in the children. Hmmm.

But, what...have they actually learned and why?

For the child left to cry themselves to sleep they learned that they wake up and are alone and that there is nothing they can do about it. They cry out and the one "all-powerful" one in their life is not there and most of the time does not respond at all (but is actually standing outside their bedroom door in pain because they are refusing to respond to the truth inside their hearts that God put there that's telling them to pick up that baby but they are clinging to the bad teachings they've learned!). They wait and nothing happens. They cry harder and still...nothing happens or...mom comes and is detached and dismissive and tells them to settle and then leaves again. They are alone...in the dark...and they learn that they are on their own. Then, at some time which means nothing to them since they do not understand "time"...long after the battle with their fears or discomfort in the darkness has been waged with them fighting that battle on their own...the "all-powerful" one appears and is smiling and happy and actually even often wakens them from sleep. 

Infancy is when we lay the foundation for our expectations for all future relationships. It's when we are learning what to expect from life.

A baby's only "language" is contact. It's his "waa" and your response that teaches him about life. Your touch, your response, your arms and your face are how you communicate to him. And, if his "waa" sometimes gets a warm and loving response right away...and sometimes his "waa" gets darkness, loneliness and silence...

Would this communication from the parent be comforting and make them "secure"...or would this inconsistent response be confusing?

The conscious mind would find this confusing.

And, as far as babies left on their own to cry-it-out...the child's subconscious mind protects them from this confusion by dissociating and one side effect of that is: sleep. They don't "learn to self-soothe" or "learn to sleep"...they dissociate and sleep is the side effect. (Look dissociation, and also learned helplessness up. It's a sad sad process that has life-long effects!!!)

So, although the babies do sleep when their parents ignore their cries in the middle of the night...I believe that the lessons these babies actually learned shine brightest in them when they grow up and are the adults who develop characters like "the man in the moon." 

And, when I see things like this and realize how BIG this problem is in our world...it just makes me sad. :(

Churches need to stop using Ezzo's materials. Churches need to start shining that light of Jesus in how we treat our children. Romans 1 tells us that the world God created tells us the truth. Science has been digging into early child development and brain development since the 90's and has revealed to us so much about God...about how we need to raise our children to be a true reflection of Him. 

He always responds.
He never ignores us.
He always picks us up when we cry.
He always responds no matter why we cry!
He never leaves us alone in the dark.
He never leaves us to fight our battles alone.

He is our example how to live and we are to reflect Him in how we communicate to our children so that they will grow up to have faith in Him...not expect silence and abandonment from Him...

"Babywise", "Preparation for Parenting" and "Growing Kids" is definitely not God's way...

And, it was a good movie, btw :)

Training kids like dogs: Discipline by example

The most automatic argument I've ever received from people when the discussion of "not spanking/punishing" kids comes up is, "How will kids learn if you don't give them consequences." 

I wrote a post one day about how "it's true that we do need to train children just like Michael Pearl says: like dogs." When training a dog to respect the boundary of an invisible electric fence that process is like this with dogs:

1. clearly show the boundary
2. establish the safe zone by the owner showing praise and comfort when moving away from the boundary
3. allow the dog to experience the consequence of crossing the line and feeling the pain caused by that line being crossed
4. be there to comfort and praise to the dog when the dog rushes toward the safety of the owner and home

And, this process would almost suggest that this is true...that we need negative consequences to learn boundaries. But, while negative consequences do teach us where some boundary lines are, there is another way to learn that involves no pain and is just as effective...Romans 1 says so because I saw it demonstrated in the Creation just the other day!

The belief in the need for the experience of negative consequences sorta' goes hand-in-hand with that belief that ya can't appreciate good without bad and so on. I have never bought into that because everything God created was good and I can't believe that God created us that we must experience that which nailed Him to the cross in order to appreciate that! 

So, one day I was out in my yard planting...and planting...and planting! ;) And, the dogs started to bark as a jogger was going past...and I noticed something...something really cool that I had suspected and finally saw the fruit...and fortunately had my phone with me to take a picture!

We have three dogs. Two of them have been trained as outlined above with the shocking collars to respect the boundary of the underground electric fence. The newbie, a Chihuahua puppy which joined our family in November...has never been trained, but, has always gone outside with the other dogs...and look what he learned...without ever receiving a negative consequence...

You can see where the boundary is, can't you? The dog in the background (left) is Jasmine. She's been officially trained with the electric collar and has had some pretty painful shocks. The cutie in the foreground of the photo is the newbie who has never been shocked. How did he learn the boundary?

By modeling. By example. When running with the pack the puppy stays inside the safe zone. It's the coolest thing to see him standing there barking as tho' he can't cross that line! But, another interesting note is that sometimes the puppy will cross the boundary...if the other dogs are not around. 

So, what does that tell you about parenting? We so often wonder why our kids misbehave and do this n' that...but how much time do we really spend with our children being the example? Modeling for them how to behave and not "cross boundaries" in this world? How much time do our kids spend with each other, with other kids, or alone? How much time do we really invest into modeling and being the example for them?

Do we always say please and thank-you to them?

Do we always be quiet when they are sleeping?

Do we always ask them "permission" before taking a toy out of their hands?

Do we always listen and respond to our children when they speak to us?

Do we always speak respectfully to our spouse in front of the children?

Do we put our cart away at the grocery store? (sorry! Pet peeve of mine had to add it!)

Do we decide at random that "it's time to go" and make our kids leave a friend's house when there is still 20 minutes to go on the movie they're watching?

Do we snap at them and tell them to leave us alone because "we're in the middle of an important status update on Facebook?"

Do we tell the kids it's bath time "right now" when they're in the middle of an exciting video game?

Do we hit (spank) our children to get them to do what we want (listen to us)?

Do we model disrespectful and selfish behavior to our children and then wonder why THEY misbehave? I can't tell ya how many times I have been in public and heard parents snapping at their kids or hitting/spanking them and just overall treating the child totally disrespectfully...because their child just did something...disrespectful. (Or, how many times I've heard myself speaking disrespectfully to my kids and yelling at them for being disrespectful to each other. And, it always hits me when I ask the inevitable, "WHY did you just say that to your sister!") The irony is too sad. The most ironic and saddest is the child who is hit (spanked) because they just hit someone...

Truth is if you listen to your kids speak to each other...they sound just like you. The way they speak to you is a reflection of how you speak to them. They are following your example. Kids raised in a punitive environment will know that if they say "this or that" that you will hit/spank them and alter what they say/do for to avoid punishment, but, what's inside of them how to treat others is the example you've set. And, so sad it is that they get punished for what we have taught them...

"A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit." 
Matthew 7:18

The tree (parent) needs to be good for the fruit (children) to be. If the fruit (child's behavior) is bad...the problem isn't the fruit...it's the tree (parent's example.) 

Jesus was without sin, and He said that He only did what He saw the Father doing...and that seeing Jesus we were seeing the Father.

Our kids do what they see us do and seeing our children...we see ourselves.

This should be life-alteringly convicting to the truth-loving Christian...

If the kids are naughty something is wrong with the model they are following. And, Christians should not be so blind to this as they are when it is their leader who designed us this way and told us this Himself!! Focusing on controlling, punishing, and changing the fruit isn't character building in the children...but only hides your own failings and sin...and maybe that gives us a clue where this type of parenting is really founded?

So, getting back to Michael Pearl and his advice that training kids is like training a dog...OK! Yes! Mr. Pearl! You're right! You can actually even be a dog and train a dog! You don't even have to have any brains to do it! You can simply set the example with your own life...and your children will learn right from wrong and where all the "boundaries" are in life without ever being hit, hurt, or punished. It's true! 

(Mr. Pearl really needs to start watching "The Dog Whisperer" if ya ask me!!!)

I guess we can learn about parenting from cats, too ;)