Your body knows...

I was just thinking...about how our bodies suffer when we dwell on things that are supposed to be "passing" things. We all know that when we're angry, afraid, nervous, excited or frustrated (etc) we get "surges" of things. These emotional states are supposed to be "temporary". But, what happens to people who instead of getting angry once in a while...live...in anger? Live...in fear? Live...in any of these emotions that we all know give us "surges" of whatever. How do our bodies handle a constant drizzle or flow of these hormones and chemicals which are supposed to only be temporary? And, why don't we notice that we're doing it? Why don't we notice how wrong it is to live in these states?


And, thinking about how our bodies react to things this way...I was just thinking about the universality of these reactions. How consistent it is...that if you take a thief...a murderer...a serial killer...someone who has committed atrocities against their conscience to the point they've got no empathy left...and hook them up to a lie detector...it can still tell they're lying.

Isn't that interesting?

It's as tho' no matter what we choose to do with our minds...our bodies don't forget. Our bodies are made to be a constant presence of "the truth" for us so that we have no excuse for doing wrong.

And, if this is the case, it makes the whole "doctrine of Original Sin" that much more insidious and deadly because there ya go. The church in it's typical fashion working against God teaching people to ignore their bodies. Teaching people that their bodies are in all ways against God...when in reality...their body...is a testimony to the truth. When we even think about sinning, our body will react to it...and it's the church that's done its best over the last few decades to convince the whole world to ignore their bodies...even getting all the popular Bible versions on board with altering scripture to agree with this doctrine.

If we were in tune with the "truth" that our bodies speak to us...when we are tempted in anything...we'd FEEEL that it's wrong...and we'd not have to "pray about it"...we'd know. We'd know that when we "felt bad" that something was wrong. It would eliminate so many of the wrong things we do with our children...so many...and by extension change our entire world for the better.

But, the church wants us to believe that if it "feels good" DON'T DO IT! Because pleasure = sin! Our bodies only want pleasure because they are sinful! And, they want us to believe that these wrong things we do sometimes "in the name of God" feel cruddy because it's just hard to do what's right...but that's just not true...it's just not true! And, we get our minds to believe it...but our bodies know better. Our body still just knows better.

"There is a way which seems right to a man (he thinks it's a good idea), but the end thereof are the ways of death (your good idea is going to hurt you or someone else!). 

Even in laughter (when someone seems to be livin' it up at the bar partying and having random sex etc...) the heart is sorrowful (you have that pang of emptiness and pointlessness inside when you're alone); and the end of that mirth is heaviness. 

The backslider in heart shall be filled with his own ways (Party it up! Lie! Cheat! Steal!): and a good man shall be satisfied (feel truly pleasureful) from himself." 

Proverbs 14:12-14

True pleasure never comes with sin because our bodies know the truth...and God designed our bodies to feel pleasure because He wants us to feel pleasure. He loves us. He created the very concept of pleasure for us...our senses and all the things which delight us He created them for us and so how sad it is that now "pleasure" is equated with sin...

All the stuff that is actually sinful that we THINK is "fun" hurts us inside...and true peace/pleasure/satisfaction comes when you are not in sin...

Think about what truly feels good?
Being in Love. Being Loved.
Experiencing Joy. 
Living in Peace. 
Being treated with Patience and Kindness. 
Having and being treated by people with Self control...


What if we did follow the slogan of if it feels good do it?
What if we only did things that truly feel good?

The doctrine of Original Sin has led to so much sin, grief, sadness, pain, loneliness, depression, suffering, illness and even death in our world simply because the one final form of communication that God has with us is severed by that doctrine...
He who still can feel his ears...let him hear...

"...you shall call His name Jesus, 

for He will save His people from their sins.” 

Matt. 1:21

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." 

John 10:10

"Question Authority!"

I was just thinking...about teaching kids to "respect" elders...

This morning someone posted a video on Facebook of a setup where a 7-year old is being abducted by a guy (actor) who is not her dad and she's yelling, "Help! Help! You're not my dad!" and you see all the people on the street just passin' them by until finally a couple of guys run at the man and are ready to take him out.

(Here's the video: ATTENTION: Your kids need to know this <3)

It got me thinking about how we teach our kids to avoid abduction...

On the one hand...parents teach their kids to refer to all adults as "Miss" and "Mister" and to "mind" them and never question...questioning the parents or other grown-ups is rebellion and punishable. They do this because they believe they are teaching their children "respect". But, are they?

Imagine a kid who is taught to "respect" grown-ups and not question or else they're being naughty...The more you do something...the more you "practice" it the better you get at it, right? So, grown-ups tend to tell kids to do things they don't like or want to do all the time. Right? But, a child who is taught to "mind" and not question or challenge their parents or any adult's commands will have to do these things or else get punished. They practice this every time a grown up tells them things like to "go to bed" when they're not tired and they are not allowed to "complain" about it. Over and over they practice being told something they disagree with...not balking...and doing what they're told. This is how they're taught to respect their parents and the other adults around them.

So, what is a kid to do when a grown-up approaches them tells them something they don't like or don't want to do and it happens to be an order to "come with him" (as in the event of an abduction)? 

What if... one of the grown-up aides at the VBS that the child is trained to not "question" gets that kid alone and tells them to do something the kid would not like or not want to do with their body?

What if... a babysitter (whom they were instructed to respect the same as their parents when their parents are away) let her boyfriend come over and he got one of the children alone and told the child to do something the child didn't like or want to do to his body?

Are children who are taught to not complain...not argue...not "challenge" or "question" authority...being protected by their parents? Are they being taught to "respect"? 

Really...we need to think about what we are REALLY teaching our kids with the things we do with them...

Kids are NOT better seen than heard

There is a big difference between studying a state driver's manual and driving. A big difference between what it is like to see the slides someone took on their mission trip and living in a Central American country. You know what I mean. Experience is the best teacher, right?

Well, I am one who keeps reading and learning about child development and child psychology and how I should be treating my children. I keep reading books and blogs and trying to get "better" at this whole parenting thing and really it seems that the key to being a better parent is "understanding" (also known as empathy).

Last night…I got an experiential understanding of how children feel when we shush them. I got to see how they feel when we want them to just be quiet and not to bother us.

I can be rather annoying to watch movies with, it's true. I see "metaphors" in everything and I tend to go, "Oh wow! This is just like…(whatever)" a few times during any movie. (It's that Romans 1 thing) So, we were watching, "Thor", right? And, there were all these cool "lessons" in it and I was actually being conscious to not have any "outbursts" of excitement during dialogue, nonetheless, there were 2 movie viewers (2 of my kids) who wanted me silenced. And, the way they went about it was by basically "shushing" me just like an irritated parent would shush a child and how it made me feel really hit me.

From the start of the movie I felt very "excited" and I had been totally enjoying the movie. My brain was alert and active and definitely in "learning mode". But, as soon as they negatively reacted to me I felt first like I just wanted to leave the room. Then, for the rest of the movie, something in my brain was definitely shut off. I was no longer really enjoying the movie, tho' I was still watching it. I was no longer alert and my brain was no longer in "learning mode". Their reaction really "crushed my spirit".

For the remainder of the movie, I was very "well behaved"…but something was shut off and the lost inside me. And, it just really made me go, "Wow…" at how often I "shush" my kids because they're too exuberant about whatever…and so now I learned that children are definitely not better seen than heard… :)

(And, still below...some things are better not seen, either...hehehe)

Drawing the line between "spanking" and "abuse"

I was just thinking...if you were to talk to your "average" pro-life Christian about abortion...and you would discuss with them the topic of "when does a baby become a baby?" They would agree that the  pro-choice mentality of choosing when they think that babies become babies is very arbitrary and based on opinion and not fact. They would find this type of reasoning offensive.

BUT...talk to those same Christians about when "spanking" becomes "abuse" and interestingly...they begin to sound an awful lot like the people they believe have faulty reasoning...

OK...so...in order to eliminate the "arbitrary" nature of some pro-spanking reasoning and to take the "opinion" out of the argument...let's define that line for everyone. Let's...draw it out...and make it all clear. Just the way we'd like to get the pro-choice camp to clearly define (and support scientifically) when a baby becomes a baby...let us clearly define (and support scientifically) when spanking becomes abuse...and prove that spanking is good for children...

I feel the best way to define it is to answer some questions definitively...questions that can be answered without exception in all cases...And, since the Bible tells us to be prepared to have an answer for your beliefs I feel it is important for Christians who do spank (in the name of God) to have answers (or at least some reasonable idea if not the actual answer) for all of these questions:

When is it proper to strike your children?
When would Jesus strike a child?
What types of offenses are worthy of a spanking?
For what offenses would Jesus strike a child?
At what age should spanking begin?
At what age should spanking cease?
Should a child's intelligence be factored in? (For example, would you begin spanking a very intelligent child sooner than a child with Down's Syndrome?)
The children referred to in the Bible as those to be struck with a rod were "teenagers". In what way has it changed that we now do not strike teenagers and only little kids? When did this change and why?
How "hard" (how much force) is acceptable (non-abusive) when spanking Biblically?
How many pounds per square inch of force are acceptable to strike a child with and at what point do they change to "unacceptable"?
Should the pounds per square inch of force be lessened if more strikes are necessary?
How many strikes at what force are non-abusive?
If fewer strikes are going to be applied, should greater force be used?
Does it make a difference if the spanking is done on the buttocks, back of legs, or back?
Which parts of the body are considered "OK" to strike in a non-abusive situation? Are all parts of the same body considered the same?
If there are some parts of the body which are not considered non-abusive, why or why not?
If some parts of the body are considered non-abusive to a "certain degree" please define.
How do we choose which part of the body to "spank" for different offenses?
At what age is it appropriate/inappropriate for a child to pull their pants down and bend over for a spanking?
Is spanking on the bare bottom an acceptable position for non-parents to use on a child?
Is it appropriate to use a hand when spanking on the bare bottom?
Is it appropriate for anyone but the child's parent to use a hand on their bare bottom?
Which part of the body is the preferred by God for non-abusive spanking?
Which parts of the body are considered by God to be abusive for spanking?
What verses in the Bible substantiate these beliefs?
Do we take into account the material the striking tool is made of when calculating the strike force of non-abusive spanking?
How much force is acceptable (non-abusive) for rubber spatulas?
What determines if the line has been crossed into "abuse" with this "rod"?
How much force is acceptable (non-abusive) for plastic spatulas?
What determines if the line has been crossed into "abuse" with this "rod"? 
How much force is acceptable (non-abusive) for wooden spatulas?
What determines if the line has been crossed into "abuse" with this "rod"? 
How much force is acceptable (non-abusive) for mixed-material spatulas?
What determines if the line has been crossed into "abuse" with this "rod"? 
How much force is acceptable (non-abusive) for a "switch" made from a tree?
What determines if the line has been crossed into "abuse" with this "rod"? 
How much force is acceptable (non-abusive) for whatever type of "rod" a parent prefers?
What determines if the line has been crossed into "abuse" with this "rod"? 
How does a parent choose a "rod"?
Which rod would Jesus most likely use?
Would Jesus choose different rods for different age children?
Where in the Bible would we look to find answers to this?
What about using the hand?
How much force is acceptable (non-abusive) for using a hand?
How does one take into account the thickness of the skin of the spank-ee when calculating the correct amount of force to use? (ie: smaller children have thinner skin...)
How does one take into account the material the skin is covered with? If it is a diaper, underpants only, skirt and underpants, jeans and underpants, jeans and diaper, etc.
How does a parent calculate the correct amount of force considering the material of the spanking tool and the child's skin and the materials covering the child's skin to apply the correct non-abusive force?
Where is the "line" that distinguishes between "abuse" and "non-abusive" spanking considering all the factors involved?
How many times is acceptable to strike a child within each different set of variables (rod material, strength of the striker, child's skin, clothing, etc.) before it becomes abuse?
How do we properly calculate how many strikes at what force for each variable is non-abuse and where is the line that crosses into "abuse"?
The 39 lashes that the Romans dished out to Jesus were considered a "death penalty" at 40 lashes because people often died from it. Should there then be a limited number of strikes for each "offense" that a child is to receive?
The number of lashes chosen by the Romans was based on the "rod" they used and it's destructive ability...so calculating the amount of hits a child should receive for each type of offense should include factors such as the chosen "rod" and it's "destructive force" (if it leaves marks or not) and the child's skin, clothing, and strength of the spanker?
How many strikes/lashes/hits/licks would Jesus choose for lying?
How many would Jesus choose for lying for the "umpteenth time"?
How many strikes would a child receive for general disobedience?
Would the number of strikes change based on age? (as with time-outs being 1 minute per year of age)
And, again, would the number of strikes be based on the child's age, skin thickness, clothing, "rod" material and the strength of the striker/spanker?
Also, certain times of the day the human body is more sensitive to pain than others, should this become a factor when calculating force and number of strikes?
What types of "marks" are acceptable?
At what point do "marks" become signs of "abuse"?
Do all "rods" leave marks?
If spanking on a bare bottom it is more likely to leave a mark than if it is thru a diaper or jeans, so, how should this be factored?
Should a "rod" be chosen which does not leave a mark?
Should a "rod" be chosen which does leave a mark to make sure the child has a reminder of the disciplining for a few hours to better make the point?
Why would leaving a mark matter?
How does one judge marks as a determination of abuse/non-abuse on a dark skinned child as opposed to a pale blonde haired child? (As the white child would redden quite quickly)
Does bruising constitute "abuse"?
What if your child "bruises easily" even in non-abusive situations?
If some bruising is acceptable, how do we measure "abusive" bruising? What is the size of a bruise which is "abuse" and what is the size of a bruise which is "non-abusive"?
What are the psychological benefits of being spanked?
What are the psychological problems with being abused?
Where would be the line and how would we know we've gotten close to that line based on our child's mental state?
Where is the line between being benefited and being detriment-ed in the spanking procedure and how would one tell that they've reached that limit?
In what way does being struck and caused pain by a parent draw the child closer to God?

HONESTLY couldn't I go on and on and on and on with questions???

Give examples from the Bible of times Jesus spanked people.
Picture Jesus in your mind with a small child looking frightened...over His knee...spanking them.
That's messed up.
All of this is messed up.
It's all sick.

Just as we know that when the pro-choice camp cannot answer the questions about when a baby becomes a baby means that they're in the wrong, then the ability or inability to answer these questions should indicate to us the same thing.

1 Peter 3:14-16

But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. and do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled,  but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence; and keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame.

Really, if any position a Christian holds to can't stand up to a barrage of questions like this...it needs to be re-evaluated. 

Personally...I believe the easiest and most clear line which can be drawn and is 100% defensible and supported by science....between what is "abuse" and what is "non-abuse"...is hitting or not hitting. You just do not hit your children. Simple.

And, I can tell you that I not only have Jesus and science behind me...but I have personal experience as well...I have not ever hit my 3 year old...and she is not...a brat. She is not...out of control. She is not...ungodly. And, if I were to decide to ever hit her...something huge would have to change inside me...that would be a very bad...

Don't be afraid to have been wrong.
The worst thing about being wrong is when you choose to keep being wrong...

Below is a photo of an ancient shepherd's rod...
THIS is what the Bible is referring to when it says if you fail to use it...you hate your child.
Clearly...this is not for use ON your children.
Clearly...this is not = to a spatula or spoon...

The Strength of Your Child's Will!

A discussion recently about the book, "Breaking Their Will," has had me thinking. Someone asked me what would be my idea of where the line would be between "breaking their will" and "breaking their spirit". Thinking about it, I feel that they're the same thing. And, I thought then, "Why would you want to break their will at all?"

Really, if you think about it…what gets you outta' your comfy warm bed in the morning?
Your will.

What keeps you from eating that slice of chocolate cake when you're on a diet?
Your will.

What keeps you from blowing all your money at the mall on stuff you don't need?
Your will.

What keeps you from flippin' the bird to that person who just pulled out in front of you and almost caused an accident?
Your will.

What keeps you from trying drugs?
Your will.

What is it that keeps you from picking up your phone and reading/replying to that text while you're driving?
Your will.

What is it we all wish when we have issues with our weight? 
More WILL POWER.

Everything in life that makes us into productive contributors to society involves our will.

So, in practice, we all know that to have a "strong will" is a good thing. It's a desirable thing. It's a thing that will help us succeed in life. So, why when we see it being expressed in our children do we want to snuff it out? I believe it is a misunderstanding...

If you have a "strong willed child"…what is the REAL problem when there is conflict? Their will? Is it the fact that they believe they're in the right and are willing to fight for that? No. That's not a problem. An annoyance, yes. But, if they think they're in the right and are willing to fight even a giant (mom or dad) because they're right that's actually awesome, don't you think?

Their "problem" is not their will at all...it is simply…the wrong belief that they are right which is based in their lack of maturity and reasoning skills. That's it. It's not their will that is the problem it is that their will is being used to fight a wrong battle. Our job is to teach them to fight the right battles, and taking the "fight" out of them isn't the way to do it.

When your child is stubbornly sticking to their guns about something…it is because they believe they are right. They believe in their cause. They believe they should be allowed to have that toy! They believe they should be allowed to eat that cookie right now because it looks good and they are hungry! From THEIR perspective, their reasons are right! They are not trying to "push your buttons" or make you mad. The last thing any of us want, even as adults, is for our parents to be mad at us! So, if your child is insisting on having their own way…the problem is not their "will"…the child's "problem" is immaturity and lack of reasoning skills which has led them to a wrong conclusion that they are right.

And, so how do we encourage maturity and proper reasoning skills? Can a person learn to become more mature by being "controlled"? Can a person learn to become more mature by being "punished?"

In order to learn to reason…they must be reasoned with. They must learn the process of comparing two choices and looking at the potential effects of each…and they can't do that on their own. You have to show them how to do it.

Does it take more time to do this than to give them a whack on the hiney and tell them to "not do that again or else"? Sure. Controlling someone is always the quickest way for someone to get a behavior to stop. But, stopping your child from making CERTAIN bad choices (like the things which you forbid and punish for) doesn't teach them the broader picture of what is a good choice and what is a bad choice and how to decide between the two.

So, you lay down the law with punishments and rules about things that are issues for little kids…you teach them that when they do "X" they get a butt-whacking. OK. So, what happens when they get too old and they don't even want to do "X" anymore…what then? If you have not spent the time to teach them how to reason…once they no longer feel the urge to hit their sister or to run out into the street…what now when the temptation is to try drugs? To go to 2nd base with their boyfriend? To drink at a party? To text while driving? What then?

You cannot think that you can simply stop your children from making bad choices by punishment and threats and control when they are 1, 2, 3, 4 yrs old…then then expect that somehow that they now learned how to REASON and make good choices now that they're older.

This is why it is common for teens to "rebel". The only thing that's really happened is that they've gotten too old for parents to punish and "control" and now parents are simply seeing the "reasoning abilities" that their child has learned up until that age.

So, back to having a "strong willed child". It is not a curse. It's those with "strong wills" in life who have been the trail-blazers thru history. Your "strong willed child" may have a fantastic future ahead! Don't break that will! Harness it!

Something else to consider is how protective a "strong will" can be.
Are you infallible? When it comes to conflict with your child are you really, always right? You know that there are occasions that you are actually the one in the wrong. Do you think your child notices this? In the case of the spanking/controlling parent, what does a child learn of reasoning when their parent will hit them and punish them even when the parent is clearly in the wrong? What does the child learn of reason from a parent who does not reason but makes sure that kid knows who's boss and only controls and punishes?

What does a child learn when they are challenged by an adult when they know they are "in the right?" but are forced to comply with the adult anyway…and even suffer pain/punishment for pushing their side? Would a child who is trained this way respond in a healthy self-protective way when approached by a pedophile? Would a child who has been trained that no matter what the adult is "right" be able to stand up and say, "NO! Your'e NOT touching me there and I AM telling my mom!"

You want to train your child that if they are right and they know they are, that it's right for them to stand up and fight for that even if it is an adult they are fighting. You need to teach them how to know they are right, and the right way to fight...

Your child's will is also what makes them like God…
Don't squash it…harness it!

Our wills can make us into super heroes... :)

 

"The Rod" as an instrument of protection

I was thinking about the reason I even ever began to question the rightness of "spanking". I had been asked by a friend with 3 or 5 kids…or 3 kids with 2 on the way…what I thought about "spanking". I had a 21-yr old at the time and a total of 8 children so I oughta' know, right?

I'd been taught in Sunday School class the "who, what, when, where, and why" of spanking. I knew all about it. So, as I sat at my computer to begin explaining to her "who, what, when, where, and why" she should hit her kids…I first thought to do some searches on some websites to have, you know, some sites to send her on the subject. I had even requested the Sunday School materials from my former church in order to further my help of my friend.

Well, I found something in my searching that I was not expecting. Something…that stopped me dead in my tracks. As tho' all of the wheels in my head came to a loud…screeching…halt.

I found a website that explained that the ancient shepherds…carried a rod…and a staff. Two things. And, that the rod…was a short stick with spiked on the ends. It explained that modern shepherds now carried guns instead of rods.

The "rod"…was a weapon.
It was an ancient "gun".

What???

This meant…It was not for the sheep at all…but for predators. It was for protecting the sheep from predators. (Now, do you hear my foot on the brakes as I screech to a halt?)
That was in January of 2008. It's been 3 1/2 yrs now since the last time I spanked a kid. (Sound like Spankers Anonymous)

What I experienced was that for the first year or so…was pure misery. I found that I could not handle any stressful situations with my kids without threatening them with a spanking or spanking them. I felt totally lost.

What a change I had to go thru!

So, over these years I have read a lot of books then, met a lot of people, and read a lot of articles online about "spanking". Remarkably, you never find any scientific or psychological studies done which show that spanking is "good for people". Always it's bad news. Brain damage. Lessened IQ's. More violent behavior. Depression. Anxiety. Sexual dysfunction. The list goes on...

The only proponents of "spanking" seem to be those who currently do it and feel that it is "God's idea." The only "evidence" for the goodness of spanking is a few verses in the Bible.

Well, as I thought about the ancient shepherd's rod as a weapon against predators and not for use on the sheep and how if this object were used to literally strike the sheep that it would harm, cripple, or weaken the sheep to such a degree as to actually make them more vulnerable to predators…I thought that, "Well, spanking proponents could say that the rod is a spiritual weapon against evil that when used on their child...it deters them from evil…and the Bible says to resist the devil and he'll flee from you."

(This only works if you believe children are sinful...and have evil "in" them...which I do not believe...but for the sake of argument I'll go with it here)

So, try to imagine…a child who has been trained well to obey. Obedience to whatever command the parent gives. Imagine a very good kid. You know, the bumpersticker, "Question Authority" is of the devil, right? So, we don't want kids to ever question the parents. (Because that is disrespectful) We could call this "blind obedience" because the children are not supposed to know "why" they are doing something, only if the parent says, "Jump!" The child is to ask, "How high!" If the child asks, "Why?" then they have entered into a rebellious realm and we tell them, "Because I said so."

I was given the example of the need for this back when I was learning about spanking…I was told of a boy (not a real boy I don't think)…who was so obedient to his dad…that one day…his dad yelled out a command. He told him to, "Drop to the ground and crawl to me now!" and the boy did it without question. Then, the boy, safely at his father's side now, was able to look back and see that there was a snake dangling from the tree above where he had been standing.

That's a compelling story, isn't it?

But, I wonder…what would a child trained to so blindly obey…do in another type of situation?

What if this boy were at camp or somewhere that a pedophile could get him alone…and tell him as an adult…in an authoritative tone…to do something very bad…or else he'd be spanked and he'd tell his mom that he was a very bad boy…

Then what?

Then what of this blind obedience to authority that the child has been instilled with? 

Would the boy be well-equipped to know how to discern "right" from "wrong" commands?

Would he be well-equipped to know how to decide for himself whether or not he should follow a command from an adult telling him to do something he feels is wrong?

Would he be well-equipped to be able to "question" that authority and know he was right to "rebel" against that adults authority?

Or, would he have been well-equipped...many times...after many spankings...to ignore his own discomfort with a grown-ups command...and obey "Mister Bob"(whoever) with a submissive, "yes sir."

In a case like this...and there would actually be many literal real-life cases like this...has the "rod" which has been used to strike "the sheep" proved to be a rod of protection? Or, has the rod, when used on "the sheep", proven to be a means of crippling and harm and of making the child more vulnerable to "predators" because that child learned to never...question...authority?

Romans 1 says…"that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse."

If in the literal world…hitting a sheep with a spiked club would make it more vulnerable to predators…it's pretty clear that that means that striking your children physically with "the rod" will do the same…it does not "beat the devil out of them"…it opens them to him.


Pic of a shepherd's rod...
I guess if you still wanna "use the rod" on your kid, you should at least abandon the wooden spoon/spatula type because they are not Biblical...and get yourself a real rod and use that on your child...because THIS is what the Bible was referring to...

Cleaving to Our Parents...

I have a friend who on many occasions has expressed sentiments to me such as, "I always feel like I have to do more and be better and still I'll never be good enough." and she laments often of feeling worthless. I hate this. I want to be able to fix this for her. But, it's not even just her…it's like…so many woman feel this same way…Why do we feel this way?

For me...I can see it going way back...My parents never approved of "me" as I was. Sort of like the kid on "How to Train Your Dragon". My parents were constantly pushing me to be "better". They were constantly pushing me to be what they thought "I could be if I just tried hard enough". They believed I could be a straight A student if I just applied myself. So, if I brought home my report card and I had an A- in one class, they weren't like, "Great grades" they were like, "Why isn't this an A?"

Then...when I got pregnant at age 17...they were simply so disgusted with this situation that they saw nothing good in it. Nothing good in "me". When I paused and struggled over "what to do about it"...paused to think about if I should keep the baby or not...I felt like the fact that I actually stopped and thought, "Hmm...this was my mistake...if someone should lose their life over this...it probably should be me..." that that was something noble in me...something selfless that deserved recognition in the midst of the big pile of manure I'd just shoveled onto the floor, but no. Nothing I did had any virtue in their eyes if I wasn't doing exactly what they thought I should. I was their worst case scenario for a child. My heart mattered nothing...ever...only my actions and if they didn't measure up...neither did I.

And, so, here I am today. I've been out of my parents' house since I was 17. And, that's more than half my life ago...24 years have gone since then. And, yet still today...I feel inadequate in every sense. I don't cook good-enough food. I don't homeschool good-enough. I don't spend enough time with the kids. I don't look good-enough. I'm worthless and good-for-nothing and can't understand why anyone talks to me at all. Every time the credit card machine judges me and flashed, "Approved" on the screen it makes me feel weird. I have like 800 "friends" on facebook and you know I've like requested maybe 100 of them. So, I've had 700 people request a connection with me, yet, I feel like everyone finds me stupid and annoying. I feel certain that every time I "share" something that it's an irritation. I feel mostly comfortable with clicking "like" buttons because at least no one can really fault me for reading an article and clicking "like" and so fb posts itself...that's not so irritating, is it?

<heavy sigh> How can someone my age... be so far removed from the days when I was treated that way and STILL feel this way? It's wired into us...literally...biologically...

So, I sat the other night trying to write a letter to my friend to encourage her, and I was thinking about all this and suddenly something struck me.

The Bible says we are to "LEAVE our parents and CLEAVE to our spouse."

I don't think this is talking about moving out of our parents' house. I don't think this is just merely talking about looking from our parents to our spouse for counsel and decision making either. I think it's more...

Well…(for we ladies) let's try to imagine how the men we are married to felt when they were getting to know us. Well, first let's imagine them meeting someone they felt was annoying, worthless, ugly, good-for-nothing, stupid, etc. When our men met women like that...did they...pursue them and try to marry them? When women like that approached them and tried to hook up with them did they jump for joy and go for it? Or, did they run far far away from them?

I asked my husband if while he was single if any women he'd identify as the aforementioned ever approached him and was he all excited and did he want to go out with them and marry them? He was like, "no…"

So, when our men 1st were getting to know us...they thought things like,
"Wow...I really like her."
"She's pretty"
"She's funny"
"She's smart"
"She would make a good mom for my children"
"She's awesome"
"I like being around her".

When they 1st met us they couldn't wait to see us again when we'd end a date and go our separate ways. We would be on their minds all day long till they got to see us again. When they'd see on their caller ID that it was us calling they felt an instant surge of adrenaline 'cause they were excited it was us. They laid in bed at night and anticipated someday when they'd get to sleep with us. They thought...we...were...AWESOME!

Right?

SO…if the man and woman are to be "one flesh"…one mind…united IN Christ...if I insist on believing that I am anything other than what my spouse sees me as...if I am clinging to these beliefs about myself which clearly came from my parents...if I'm clinging to these beliefs and allowing them to affect me "now"...I have not left my parents. I am still "cleaving" to my parents.

With all the reading I've done about child development…I don't believe it is too easy to stop clinging to these beliefs we're "trained" to have. When a baby girl is brought home and dropped off in a crib and left to cry alone in the darkness till she figures out that she's not worth coming to soothe and she learns that the only one who is always there for her is "herself". We "train" babies to conform to our schedules because we don't want them interfering with our lives. And, in this way we teach them that they are not worthy. Even the common belief that it is OK to hit children (spanking) teaches us that when we make mistakes we deserve to suffer and makes us frustrated when we see others doing wrong and not suffering for it.

Then for those of us with parents who always pushed and pushed us to "be better"…how are we ever to look in the mirror and be satisfied? How are we ever to look at our own lives, our own decisions, and feel good about ourselves? How are we ever to see ourselves as anything but someone who is in the way of others' pleasure, a nuisance, and someone who will never be good enough? Even though our parents didn't intend this, these lessons we are taught from day 1 actually wire our brains and makes it almost unnatural to begin to believe now as adults that we ARE worthy and we ARE loved. It's like trying to unlearn being able to read or ride a bike. Once you've learned something, it's in there.

But...that's why we're transformed by the renewing of our minds...and why we can do ALL THINGS thru Him who strengthens us.

Partly I have no hope for people trained this way. Partly I have no hope that I'll ever be able to shake the feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. But, if we can do all things thru Christ…then somehow this must be possible…for me…and for you.

And, when I can't see the whole path ahead of me, I can at least do what Bob on "What About Bob" learned…and take baby steps. And, last night…as I thought to write a letter to my friend who feels this way who also told me, "I find it strange to feel encouraged by my dad", that we can at least start by identifying and calling what our parents did with us what it actually was. We don't have to stop loving or appreciating our parents. You actually love them more if you love them even tho' you see them for who and what they really are…fallible. If we insist on protecting our parents' reputations in our minds by insisting they did good with us…when we are adults who can't even love ourselves…we are lying…and no matter how bad a job our parents have done with us pretty much all of our parents have at least taught us not to lie.

So, I believe that the Biblical command is where we need to start…and if we do that everything will eventually work out and fall into place where it should. We need to, as women, we need to separate ourselves from our parents. Separate…not estrange. Separate. And, when we do that we need to identify how our parents made us feel. Identify what they did. Call it what it is. Allow ourselves to feel the hurt and the anger we felt being abandoned to our cribs to cry alone while mom and dad slept contentedly together. We need to allow ourselves to feel the anger and even rage we were not allowed to feel when we were struck by our parents and were not allowed to react in anger or we got hit again…allow ourselves the time to be angry about it and then to forgive…and then cleave to the one who pursued us because he thought we were awesome…pretty…smart…and then begin to see ourselves thru his eyes…

It's at least a start...

But, what do you do if your marriage is so old and messed up that your husband only sees you now as a b-word...well...I guess this isn't a very encouraging blog posting...'cause I know our lives are never as simple as a blog posting...but...for the ideal...for the newlyweds...this...is a very good start...and I would have to wonder that for those of us who have relationships which are no longer so ideal...could it be that if we do not begin to see each other the way the OTHER sees us if they instead begin to see us as we see ourselves? Humans...are so complex...


That's me as a baby... 

How to "teach your child a lesson!" when they've been bad

We went to see, "The Lion King" in 3D on Friday. It's a really cool movie. (But, it wasn't made to be in 3D so that part wasn't that much of a thrill…so…really…you can skip the theater)
In the movie, if you've never seen it, King Mufasa has a son, Simba. They're both lions if you hadn't guessed. Simba is an energetic and curious little guy with an uncle who hates him. His uncle, Scar, hates him because until Simba came along, if something had happened to Mufasa then Scar was next in line to become king. Now, Simba was. So, Scar is plotting to get rid of Simba…and the king if he can.

One morning Mufasa takes Simba up onto a ridge and shows him all that will someday be his. He tells him that everything the light touches is their kingdom. Simba looks off in the distance and asks, "What about that dark shadowy place?" Mufasa explains that that is beyond their borders and that he is never to go there.

So, later that same day Simba bounces over to see his uncle. He tells the truth to Simba about what that "shadowy place is" in a tricksey way to get Simba to go there. He manages to lure Simba out away from the protection of the kingdom of his father into a dark area where Scar can get his minions (hyenas) to kill him.

Fortunately, disaster is averted and Mufasa is alerted before the hyenas can kill Simba. Now, the king is angry. He'd specifically told Simba not to go there and he did. And, he took his play buddy, Nala, with him. As the two cubs walk behind the angry back home they both walk with heads bent low. Mufasa sends Nala home and says that he's "going to teach his son a lesson."

At that, Simba gulps. The makers of the movie are familiar with that cultural situation. They are familiar with that "phrase" and what it means to most American children.

So, Mufasa teaches his son a lesson for his disobedience. He sits with him and shares with him how angry he is BECAUSE of how afraid he was that he was going to lose Simba. He shares his heart with Simba and in the end…Simba "gets it". Simba understands why what he did was so wrong. And, then…Mufasa touches Simba in a loving, playful way and they romp around a little and laugh together.

What "lesson" did Mufasa want to teach his son? He wanted to teach him to "never do that again!" Right?

What did he actually teach his son?

He taught him that…

His disobedience puts him in danger.
His disobedience puts others in danger.
His disobedience hurts his father.
His disobedience makes his father angry.
That even when he disobeys, that his father loves and accepts him and is the most important thing in his life.

Do you think that Simba will be likely to do it again?
Do you think that Simba now loves his dad more or less?
Do you think that Simba now fears or feels safer with his dad?

It's just a cartoon and obviously Simba feels nothing. :P But, you know, right there it is on the screen so easy for us to see "the truth" about what it should mean to "teach our son a lesson".

Sadly, what happens when a real-life human parent gets into the same situation with their child, what they teach their child is something very different. Normally, we all know what it means for a child who has done something very naughty and their parent takes them off privately to "teach them a lesson". It means they're gonna get their butt beat. Sometimes in Jesus' name, right?

Let's go back to Mufasa and Simba…what if that's what Mufasa would have done? What if Mufasa would have turned around and bitten and slapped around (the way a lion would "spank") little Simba and really "put a hurtin' on him"? What if Mufasa woulda' tanned his hide? What would Simba have learned?

He would have learned that when he's naughty he'd better not let dad find out 'cause dad will hurt him. He'd have learned that when he messes up that dad turns on him and hurts him. And, he'd have learned to fear his dad.

And, just picturing seeing the noble Mufasa whompin' his tiny ignorant son's butt makes me lose respect for Mufasa. That scene in the movie would have definitely stripped Mufasa of his nobility.

It's so easy to see it. It really is.

When our children are naughty…they obviously need to be "taught a lesson". They need to be taught why their naughtiness is unacceptable and who is hurts. They need to be taught how their actions have made us feel and why. And, they need to be taught that no matter what they do, that we're there for them. They hurt us when they're naughty because they matter so much to us and that will never change. They need to be taught that when they mess up that we'll be there to help them clean up that mess and to move on from there.

But, that is not what real-life human kids learn in the US, is it?

Real-life human children are not focused on "others" and the "effects" of their actions. Real-life human children, when they mess up, are focused on one thing: themselves. They're focused on the fact that they're gonna get their butt beat. They're focused on the fact that that hurts and they want to find any escape route they can to get out of being beat.

The "lessons" that human parents teach their kids is only that "when you do wrong you're gonna get hurt by me." And, that lesson makes it all but impossible to get the children to focus on what they've done and who they may have hurt. How can they? When all they can think of is how much they're about to get hurt, how can they focus on anything else?

Think about it…

A person who commits a "hit and run" with their car…do you think their parents "taught them a lesson" when they messed up the way Mufasa taught or the way traditional human parents do? I have never read studies, but, I bet there would not be a single person who commits a hit-and-run who had a dad like Mufasa. I'd bet that they all had parents who "taught them a lesson" according to the badness level of their deeds, and hitting someone with your car would be one extremely bad deed which would trigger in the driver the highest level of fear and self-preservation. Forget the guy who I just hit and if he needs and ambulance…gotta save yourself from getting caught for this one!

On every level of error and bad behavior, to whatever degree of "badness", your child knows the process. When they err…is their understanding, enlightenment, healing, acceptance and restoration? Or is their condemnation, judgment, rejection and pain?

Simba could have sung Psalm 23…
"Even tho' I walk thru the dark shadowy place where the hyenas wanna eat me, I won't be afraid, because your rod and staff they comfort me…"

Mufasa's rod was just like the ancient shepherd's rod: a weapon to be used against predators.
Mufasa's staff was just like God's: he taught and guided Simba away from that danger in a way Simba would understand and not fear.

And, Mufasa taught Simba that...
"When we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness…" (James)

The rebellious spirit in Simba that led him to defy Mufasa's orders was dealt with when Mufasa spent time with Simba and showed Simba his heart. When Mufasa spent time talking with and explaining to Simba what was really happening, Simba was forgiven and cleansed.

How about your kids? What do you teach them when you "teach them a lesson?" Not what do you think you're teaching them…put yourselves in their place and imagine being them…facing you…and what have they really learned to expect when they are naughty?

It's never too late to change your own naughty ways and start doing things differently...

The Lion King Clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=l1bWSYG3zgo

Seeing things thru others' eyes...

How many times has it been said by someone who got glasses that, "Wow! I can see! I had no idea how bad my vision was!" It's one of those things that we simply get used to seeing the world the way we see it…though our eyes.

Remember Romans 1 says that we can know how spiritual things are...how God is...by seeing how the physical world is. We see physically through our own eyes...and we do so spiritually as well. "Life" is like this. We get used to seeing the world (our world view) the way we're used to seeing it. We are used to seeing things "from our perspective"…from our "angle".

Glasses serve the human eye simply by changing the angle that the light hits our focus point. Right?
For those who are willing to try to see things from other people's perspective…from other "angles"…their world view will be constantly becoming clearer and clearer…more in focus.

Jesus said it this way, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." He was saying, "See life from their angle…" And, there is that old Indian saying about "walking a mile in the other guy's moccasins." Same thing.

As long as parents insist on seeing life through their own perspective…from their own angle…they may never know how blurry they are really seeing things. How distorted their vision of parenting is. If a mom would see life through her newborn's eyes…she wouldn't leave that baby to sleep in a crib in another room…she would not give the baby bottles instead of booby…and she would never let that baby cry itself to sleep.

If parents would see life through their children's eyes…they would never strike them…especially not in the name of Love.

If Christians would see the world through the "sinner's" eye…we would not parade around with hateful signs about groups of people.

If we would simply do unto others…walk a mile in the other guy's moccasins…the world would be a much different place.

Once you become willing to see things from your child's perspective it is just like the person who never knew what they couldn't see. You don't realize what you're not seeing…the beauty…the detail…the color…in the world…in other people…in our children…

Scratched and Dented vs. Pure

When it comes to something we see as "pure" we are very protective of it. Yes? You know what I mean...a new car. New furniture. New carpeting. New clothes. New shoes. Something that we see as "perfect" we tend to be very fussy about...very protective of and careful how we treat it. 

But...when it comes to something we already see as "blemished" we are not very worried about it.  Maybe some of you can related to this? Say you're driving a 1991 car that already has dents and scratches all over its faded paint...you pull into a parking lot. How concerned about where you park it will you be? Or, how about old nasty carpet...when you enter a room and look down and see old nasty carpet do you take your shoes off to walk across it? What about old shoes, now that we're talking about shoes? When someone steps on your feet when you are wearing shoes you've had for years and already worn in the mud...do you react and quickly check your shoes?

What if you're borrowing a friend's car...and it's 20 years old and all scratched and dented up. You pull into a parking lot and some beat up old jalopy pulls in next to you and the driver jumps out of his car and "smacks" his door up against the side of your car. How worried are you about that? But, what if you've borrowed your friend's brand new car and you pull into a parking lot and the same thing happens. Now how do you feel?

Our view of the "pureness" of something totally effects how we feel about that thing and therefore how we treat it. It also affects how we react to seeing that thing being harmed.

So...

Original Sin.

How do you see your children?

Do you see them as perfect...brand new...blemishless...without scratches or dents? Do you see them as something to be cared for with the utmost attention? Do you care "where you park them"? Do you use extra caution when doing anything near or around them so as to not mar them? Or do you see them as already a sinner?


What you believe about the condition your child arrives in will have an effect on every decision you make with that child. Every. One view will lead you to treat that child with the utmost respect and be highly protective of them...and the other will not.

So, where do you think that doctrine (Original Sin) comes from????

Worth thinkin' about...

(My dream car...a 1958 Impala...ain't she perdy?)

:)

Teaching your child to drive...

From 2001 to 2010 I lived in Guatemala. We lived way out in the boonies but we did hitch the wagon and head on into town several times a year. :) "Town" was Guatemala City and it was in 8 hour drive, so, when we did go to town we stayed about a week.

I love driving. Buddy the Elf said, "Smiling's my favorite." Well, driving is one of my favorites. But, whenever we left town and went into Guatemala City, the obvious choice of "who drives" is going to be the one who learned to drive in that wild n' crazy 3rd world country city, the one who knew his way around like the back of his hand because he'd been driving in there for 20 + years; my husband. Not me.

All together over those 9 years of living in Guatemala, we apparently spent over 110 days in Guatemala City (according to the computer record at Tikal Futura, the hotel we always went to). Whenever we went to the city we were there "for errands etc." so we spent little time in the hotel and spent all day driving all over the city.

I spent 110+ days over the course of 9 years riding all around Guatemala City. But, ya know what? If you dropped me in the middle of the city right now, gave me a car, and said, "Go to the hotel," I'd be stuck. I'd be lost. I have no idea how to get around the city.

Well, now we live in Florida. And, we've been here for several months. Having just moved here we've been running errands almost every day, and how great is it to have a GPS? How awesome is that to just get in your car and tell this thing on your dashboard where ya wanna go and it just tells you. You don't have to have any idea where you are or what you're doing it tells you! And, you make a mistake and it just says, "recalculating" and you're on the right path again! And, no matter where you are, you just hit the "go home" button and it tells you how to get home. How handy! Right?

Well, it occurred to me the other day that...I have no map inside my head with regard to "where we are". I had no idea which way was North/East/South/West...no idea which roads run parallel to which or "where" the different places we go "are" in relation to our house. No idea.

Hmmm...

Seems that when all the thinking is done for you that somehow...you don't think. You don't really learn.

So many Christian parents believe that the way to raise "godly children" is to "drive them around life"...to tell them what to do...where to go...how to get there...always. To control them in all of their choices so that they make good choices. One particular child-raising book (On Becoming Babywise) calls itself an "Infant Management System" and instructs parents to make every decision for the baby. Mom and dad are to decide when baby eats, when baby stops eating, what baby eats, how baby eats, when baby goes to sleep, when baby wakes; nothing is left up to the free will of the child. But, isn't that a lot like the baby being simply a "passenger" of life?

A child who is being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, with no option to choose to do anything else (or else they are punished) is not making any choices. A child in an environment like that is making only one choice: obey Mom and Dad or get punished.

So, how are they to develop a "road map" for their life in their heads which has them at this starting point feeling, "I'm hungry" and needing to get to the destination of "no longer hungry" and know how to make all the right turns? How are they to learn how to discern anything in life apart from what they are told to do? If at the very beginning of life when their choices were the simplest, "I'm hungry; eat. I'm no longer hungry; stop." were not choices they were allowed to learn to make? How are they to move on to more complex needs/desires and have any idea where to even start to be able to "plot a course" through life to fulfill those things?

A child living in a household where they are taught to "mind" their parents without question are just like me in the passenger's seat in Guatemala City. Yes, they are getting from "point A to point B" but they have no idea "how."

When we believe a person to be "rebellious" it is because we see them making wrong choices or "taking wrong turns" every step of the way, right? Often we see parents frustrated because their children seem to have no point or "destination" in life that they're moving toward. We wonder why it's stereotypical of Pastor's kids and Missionary's kids to "rebel" when they leave home...

It really is no mystery why children raised in authoritarian households grow up the way they do.

When the Bible talks about raising children up in the way they should go, it doesn't mean to be your child's dictator. Being a Christian is all about making right choices. Raising your children up in the way they should go, therefore, is to raise them up helping them learn how to make right choices. And, the only way to learn to make good choices is to choose.

The popular book, "On Becoming Babywise" has a "Christian" counterpart which claims to be "Growing Kids God's Way." But, it is nothing at all close to God's way. It is more like a manual to teach you how to teach your child to drive...by teaching the child to sit in the passenger's seat and wait for someone to drive them where they want to go.

In life we're peppered with choices all day long every day. Children raised to "obey" the person who has made all those choices for them all along learn only one thing in life and that is to identify the person "above" them and do what they tell them to. They do not learn how to "plot a course", they do not "have a map in their head" of what life is all about, and so they don't know how to "make the right turns" to get where they're going in life without someone telling them what to do, like a GPS, every step of the way. A grown-up who was raised this way ends up susceptible to cults and oppressive churches and leaders. This is not "God's way."

I decided this week to turn off my GPS and I printed out a map so that I can learn how to "think" about where I am, where I want to go, and how to get there...all on my own. I want to know where I am and when I've "gone too far" and need to make a U-turn. I want to know how to be where I'm supposed to be and how not to get lost...even when there's no one around to tell me what to do...That...is what I wanna do more and more with my own kids because that...is God's way...

My 3-yr old is seen here trying out "making choices" at the grocery store. She sure was sweet while she was choosing things! Most of the things she picked were things we buy sometimes...other things we would take back and simply put back on the shelf after we'd moved on... :)