Friday, October 16, 2015

Moving at 50 is too noisy...slow down...

Had a moment last night where I realized something about our fast-paced modern world that made me sad...

I live in Florida, right? Most of the time it's when "up" "on". As is everyone else on the street. Modern cars, ya know, all have ac...power windows...and even with the economy being all poopy, you don't often see an "old" car around.

I was waiting for my son at soccer practice last night with the windows down, enjoying the cool air that's arrived this to "Time Hop" it seems to do every year at this time (I don't know where 'climate change' is happening but it's not happening here). When we left and took off for our 17 minute ride home, I left the windows down and turned the ac "off."

What I noticed then is what made me sad...

The speed limit from soccer to home is 50 in most places. It takes me through a 4-lane hwy area with stores and restaurants on both sides of the road until just two miles before my house everything disappears and we're out "in the country."

As I approached a red light and pulled to a my right was Lowe's and Target and a little mini-strip mall with places like Pie5 and Panera, and to my left was a new mini-mall with LA Fitness, Goodwill, BJ's, and Pollo Tropical. Right at the corner of the entrance to that shopping area, like a beacon to call all weary travelers in, stands a bright shiny brand new Wawa.

"Back in the day" when I was driving a 60 Chevy as my daily driver, I had no ac and so "windows down" was the norm. And, I pulled into those places a lot since I didn't usually "fill 'er up". Just slapped $5 or $10 in the tank at a time as I had money, right? Gets ya pretty far, actually, back when gas was at 60¢ a gallon.

I always liked everything to do with my car. I liked driving even when I had nowhere to go just cruising around. I liked washing my car. I liked waxing it. And, I loved pulling in and putting gas in it. Yes, I was weird, but I loved it. The smell of the gas and gentle guzzling ticking of the gas pump.

Inevitably, a dude I'd classify as old (who...cough cough gag...was about the age I am now!) would pull in and comment on my car and tell me he had one once and how he sure wishes he'd never sold it.

Last night...

As I sat at the red light and looked over at the Wawa I was hit with a feeling of nostalgia...for those long-ago days and for the first time in the months since that Wawa was built...I felt like I was "there."

I realized...for the first time I'd ever sat at that intersection, I felt like I was "there" like...actually there present in the intersection and not just observing.

I thought about how opening the windows really changes the driving experience and makes you feel more connected to and really "present" where you're driving, rather than just an observer encased in glass. We all spend so much time in front of screens looking at HD images...when driving...the screen of glass in front of me and all around me could easily be just a screen. Being inside the car blocks the sounds, feels, and smells of outside for the most part. Could so easily just be a screen...

So, with the windows down, I could feel the outside air. I was surrounded by the same temperature as outside rather than the temperature I always choose. I could heard the sound of my tires slowing as I'd approached the stop. I could smell the cars. I could hear their motors. 

The light turned green and I took off again away from the intersection and was shown why I normally don't put the windows down. It's too noisy.

You know? Having the windows down at 50 whips your hair around (except not like the song) and is just so noisy. Can't really talk and listen to the radio like that too easily.

I thought about how it's not even "natural" for humans to move that fast. Apart from the invention of a car, how else would we move through the air that fast? We can't run that fast, nor can horses, so this is the 1st time in history (the last 100 years or so) that man has been able to move this fast. 

And, then it hit me.

It's this modern 2015 world...not only have we invented machines to move us around faster than nature would have ever intended...but our LIVES move that fast. And, because our lives move so fast, they're too noisy to be "present" in and so we shut ourselves up to keep everyone else out... 

In the past...everything was slower. When we "drove" somewhere in our cart or on a horse...we could talk to our companions, and we'd sing (not listen to the radio and be bombarded by advertising) and we'd be able to hear, feel, smell, see, and be present on the road.'s like we put the windows up in our cars and shut out the world and just go around inside our own little climate-controlled, sound-controlled, smell-controlled worlds and are oblivious of the world outside our cars...

And, really we must do it because it's unnatural for us to travel so fast and it's too loud. We're all always going so fast...moving faster than nature (or God) ever intended us to travel. We close up, sink into our own little worlds, because hearing, feeling, smelling, and being "present" in the world we're a part of would be too noisy...because we're moving too fast.

I think that's why Facebook can be so tiring and wearisome and people need "breaks" from it because in one way fb makes us stop and notice what's going on in the world of others's 1000 others' worlds...and it's too much...too much noise!

We're moving to fast.
It's too noisy.
We've all blocked each other out and are traveling at great and dangerous speeds around, past, and beside each other, all completely separated.

And, where are we even all going? 
What's the goal?

Get born...hurry hurry hurry and sleep all night...

Mothers leave their babies to cry and cry and's so noisy...because life is so fast and the baby needs to sleep so they can go back to work and

Off to daycare...and the baby cries because Mommy is's so noisy...but hurry hurry hurry become independent...get potty trained...learn to talk...

Off to Kindergarten...and again the children cry because they want to be with Mommy but Mommy must hurry hurry hurry...learn to read...

Get good the parents and children fight and argue over the's so noisy...

Behave! Spank! Spank! Spank! Cry! Cry! Cry! We fuss and fight with the children to make them into the person we want them to be someday when they're grown and it's all so noisy!

Get involved in everything you can because that looks good to colleges...

Off to

Graduate and get a job and now

Make your own baby to do the same thing to...
Push the child to sleep all to
All that noise...all that work...
What's the end goal?

The end goal should be "today" To be present today with whomever and wherever you are...and enjoy them...

Our culture was intended to walk 5mph, feet touching the ground, smelling the air, feeling the breeze...but spends most of its time at 55 inside a box...

Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting: to eat, to drink and enjoy oneself in all one’s labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him; for this is his reward.

Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.

I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one’s lifetime;

Furthermore, as for every man to whom God has given riches and wealth, He has also empowered him to eat from them and to receive his reward and rejoice in his labor; this is the gift of God.

Indeed, if a man should live many years, let him rejoice in them all, and let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many. Everything that is to come will be futility.

Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart an the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things.

Slow down.

God is the "Great I Am."
That's a present tense verb. He IS. Now. 

We're created in His be like He is. 
Let's start being here now...

(What's funny to me about writing this is in my mind when I imagined writing this it was 2 paragraphs!)

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Politicians are all narcissistic actors...

I almost posted this on Facebook but don't wanna deal with comments and I don't want anyone to think I'm aiming anything at them...

- - -

What's on my mind? People are so...gullible. Shallow. Short-sighted.

I watched a little bit of the debate last night...about as much as I can stomach of any political debate on either side...and saw one of the candidates get a standing ovation for something they said...and it was all I could take and I was done.

Was it (the guy I had not even heard of till last night) Jim Webb?

From Wikipedia about him...
"The Navy Cross is presented to James H. Webb, Jr., First Lieutenant, U.S. Marine Corps, for extraordinary heroism while serving as a Platoon Commander with Company D, First Battalion, Fifth Marines, First Marine Division (Reinforced), Fleet Marine Force, in connection with combat operations against the enemy in the Republic of Vietnam. On July 10, 1969, while participating in a company-sized search and destroy operation deep in hostile territory...[Jim Webb] approached a third bunker and was preparing to fire into it when the enemy threw another grenade. Observing the grenade land dangerously close to his companion, First Lieutenant Webb simultaneously fired his weapon at the enemy, pushed the Marine away from the grenade, and shielded him from the explosion with his own body. Although sustaining painful fragmentation wounds from the explosion..."

Were people cheering him? I thought he actually seemed reasonable and like a decent person from the brief bit of listening I did. I liked him.

But no. He wasn't being cheered.

It was Hillary...who once said, “What difference does it make?” when asked what really happened in Benghazi.

Hillary...who is on video just flat out lying about the email situation. Lying thru her smiling teeth. Why isn't being caught in a lie like that just enough to end a political career for ANYONE? But no. There she is. Still high in the polls. People putting her bumper stickers on their cars. Yet...she's being investigated by the FBI and doing the little kid pass-the-blame thing last night saying something to the effect that all this fuss about the emails and her lying is just the Republicans being a pain (I guess they control the FBI now?) and then she says something to the effect to, "what difference does it make that I lied?" AND for that she got a standing ovation.

Seriously, America! Why don't we all just admit it? We don't care if our leader has a noble character. We don't care if our leader is a liar. We don't care anything about WHO our leader is...just so long as we like their political affiliation...and whether or not they share our own opinion on a few issues.

I see politicians as narcissistic actors all out not to change the world and serve the public but to climb the ladder and get to the top and win. And, the idea that most people are out there totally sucked into it...taking it all so seriously...and at the same time so seriously messed up they would "vote" for someone I wouldn't even trust to babysit for me...

It just makes me...sad...

What a world we live in and what a world it could be if people were decent...

Monday, August 24, 2015

WTF do you think of your Bible version?

I've seen lots of arguments about which Bible version is best. Some (I guess most) Christians insist that using versions like the NIV are perfectly acceptable and that they are even study-worthy. They insist that the changes in the NIV in wording aren't significant but just simply make it "easier to understand."

To demonstrate how significant slight changes are let me ask you to compare the following statements...

Abortion is the removal of the products of conception from the uterus.
Abortion is the killing of a baby while still inside the mother's womb.

Or consider how powerful just the changing of one single word is...

Oh, shoot! I forgot my shoes!
Oh, shit! I forgot my shoes!

What the heck are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?

I can't find my freakin' keys!
I can't find my fuckin' keys!

Sorry bout that...but it proves the point. The fact that the "f" word makes me (and many) cringe to read or type says it all. There is power in specific words that is lacking in others.

The world was created by the Living Word who spoke the world into creation. There is power in the tongue. Power in words. 

There is supposed to be power in the words God left for us in the Bible. Changing them...takes away their power. Any Bible version that's not aimed at being specifically "word-for-word" has changed God's word... 

(And, what a subtle and tricksey way to take away our power by offering us pretty covers and "easier" wording...We live in a world where the US Church has become a joke with its 50% divorce rate and worship of politics and meaningless Christianese explanations for all the evil in the world...)

You can choose a pretty Bible with a trendy cover and wording any elementary school student can read...or you can choose to read/study what God actually said. The choice is yours...I can't for the life of me understand why any lover of the Living Word would be OK with it...

Sunday, August 16, 2015

The differences between boys and girls is all in our heads...

One thing I've been thinking about lately is that our society currently seems to be pushing hard to UNdefined though removing the definitions of things is a sign of "tolerance" and "acceptance" but I feel like it's the exact opposite.

What do I mean?

Caitlyn Jenner. 

If Caitlyn would commit a crime and leave behind DNA evidence...the csi's would collect the evidence and determine! A "white male" committed the crime! They'd determine this thru the DNA evidence...because Caitlyn Jenner is...a white male! a dude.

Does this mean I'm intolerant because I'm not going to call Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner a woman? Because I'm not going to refer to him as "she"? I think it's the opposite of intolerant...

I can accept and (if he was my friend - love) him...for who he really a dude...who wants to be a woman. I don't have to change what I call or re-define him to accept him.

If you have to redefine what he is so you can just think of him and call him simply a "woman" aren't you the one who is rejecting who he really is and forcing him to fit into your box of acceptability? You can't accept a man with boobs and no penis anymore? You're not ok with that? You have to now tell yourself he's "a woman" so you can accept him?

And, the whole deal with Target removing gender labels from like the same thing like...come on! 

Even studies done not by Christians but by secular evolutionary scientists who probably don't even watch Fox no desire to oppress anyone...have shown that when girls play with cars...we play with them DIFFERENTLY than boys do. And, when boys play with dolls they play with them differently than girls do. We're different because our brains (not just our genitals) are different and it's beautiful. 

Scientists now know that sex hormones begin to exert their influence during development of the fetus. A recent study by Israeli researchers that examined male and female brains found distinct differences in the developing fetus at just 26 weeks of pregnancy.

A number of structural elements in the human brain differ between males and females. “Structural” refers to actual parts of the brain and the way they are built, including their size and/or mass.

New research on the neural connections within the human brain suggests sex-based differences that many have suspected for centuries: women seem to be wired more for socialization and memory while men appear geared toward perception and coordinated action. The female brain appears to have increased connection between neurons in the right and left hemispheres of the brain, and males seem to have increased neural communication within hemispheres from frontal to rear portions of the organ.
Brain development: Is the difference between boys and girls all in their heads?

It's not culture...that makes boys and girls different. It's not our genitals and it's not sexual preference that makes us's our brains...and the developmental differences start when that sperm hits that egg.

Our culture didn't make boys and girls be different. The fact that boys and girls are different made our culture treat them that way.

And, it's all science. Pure unbiased science that can show us that.

It's like some people (like Target's marketing people removing "boys" and "girls" from the toy department) are trying so hard to be "open minded"...they've gone so far that their brains have fallen out. 

Erasing the definitions that describe our differences isn't tolerant or's uneducated and insulting to the things that make all of us unique. It's like we're taking all the colors that make us all so bright and...colorful ;P and smearing them all together so we just have this blasé brown/gray color. 

Jumping on this genderless bandwagon is like making duck lips and putting up peace fingers for photos. It's trendy and stupid. 

Stuff like that just drives me freakin' crazy. And, I won't encourage or promote it. Target was my "go-to" store for the last 4 years. I have spent no less than $1,000/month there on groceries and clothing, etc. But...that's over now because one thing I'm definitely intolerant of is...stupidity and trying to hard to be "trendy."

And, that's what I was just thinking about today...

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Are you part of the denominator?

I was just thinking about "denominations"...

Jesus said...

"Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste; and any city or house divided against itself will not stand." Matt. 12:35

"If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand." Mark 3:24-25

"Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste; and a house divided against itself falls." Luke 11:17 the church said, "I know! Let's create denominations!"

"...number of parts into which one whole is divided..."

Church people like to think of themselves as "kingdom people," right? They will say this because Jesus said, "My kingdom is not of this world." Right? 

So, just where did we get the idea that "denominations" (parts that divide a unit) were a good idea to help build God's kingdom when Jesus said that even satan is smart enough not to divide his kingdom or it would fail?

"If Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself; 
how then will his kingdom stand?"

Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste...

I see a lot of talk these days among churchgoers about the world "falling apart" around us...well...gee...makes me think maybe Jesus meant what He said...and that the problem isn't the world not caring what God has to say about how we are to live...but might just be..."the church" not caring what God has to say about how we are to live...

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

What you teach your kids when you're not trying to

One of the things I think I've learned over the years is that kids are little parrots...mimics. They pick everything up from us like how to speak. They hear/see us do something so they practice it. You don't literally sit and "teach" your kids every word of the English language, they just "pick it up" from you.

Seems "everything" is like that.

Recently, my mother, who I think is rather attractive for her age, was looking at a picture just taken of her and my son. She said something that blew my mind...

"I'm so ugly! I don't know how anyone can stand to be in the same room with me!"

I was floored. I'd never ever heard her say that...ever! Yet...I've said that hundreds of times in my life. Said that exact thing! How was that possible? Even my son looked at me right away with that look in his eye like, "Wow! Where have I heard that one before?!"

So, how did I pick that up from her? Not by direct teaching but by how she's thought of herself has determined how she's treated herself her whole life...and in front of me. If 80% of communication is body language then she's been telling me somehow that she feels that way about herself.

One thing I've caught on to recently, that proves this point to me, is that if I want my kids to say, "Please!" and "Thank you!" I need to do it. I need them to see me doing it and they will imitate me. So, when we go get the free cookie at Target's bakery each time we go there...I do not say to my kids, "Now, say 'thank you' to the lady,"...*I* say, "Thank you!" and sure enough, the kids follow. (It's actually a good way to do that because then the kids feel like they did it on their own and it shows them that their mom is polite and it shows me they wanna be like me! Win win!)

But this also works in the negative. Probably just the same way, when my mom had thoughts about herself that, "I'm so ugly! I don't know how anyone can stand to be in the same room with me!" somehow, I took that in as how to think about myself.

It's funny how a bunch of things that all connect will happen around the same time because then recently I had a conversation with my eldest daughter in which she expressed that sometimes she feels like a worthless piece of crap.

So, where did she pick that up from, I wonder?

Not too many days before she said this I'd found a folder in the bottom of a container that has stuff I wrote in high school and thereabouts. I found this, on a piece of notepaper with the heading, "POTENTIAL F-UPS FOR TODAY". It looks as though it was written probably around 1989/1990 (when I was 20 or 21)...(and weighed probably 120 pounds soaking wet...) 

- - -


I’m overweight, flabby, can’t grow my hair, have little tits, 1/2 way ok at anything, really good at nothing, I talk too much, I’m indecisive, I’m moody, bitchy, mean, selfish, untrustworthy, emotionally unstable, weak, can’t take care of myself, I have no motivation, can’t keep interest in things, untrusting, paranoid, pessimistic, uneducated, boring, strange, unlikable, unfriendly, I gave up my kid, give up on things too easily, am stressful to be around, too critical, jealous, hypocritical, self pitying, still alive, can almost draw but not quite, impatient, ununderstanding, pushy, dumb, undeserving, childish, I’m a bum, I have no ambition for money so I’m a burden to the world I live in…
I don’t like me

- - -

This is why "self" esteem really is so important and why thinking of yourself horribly, no matter if you do so vocally or not, matters and can scar your children. This is how I felt about myself as I began my parenting journey, and no matter how much I'd focus on the child's welfare, she was seeing everything I did to and for me. And, she learned...

Take some time to appreciate yourself. Make a list of reasonable things you don't like about yourself and look at those things. Are those things you can change? Are they true or not true? And, do those things have a positive angle you could try to emphasize?

Work thru your own issues, for your children's sakes, and your whole family will be happier and healthier.

Prov. 23:7 "For as he thinks within himself, so he is."

(I have to say when I look at that list above, the one that says, "still alive" kinda' makes me laugh. And, the one that says, "I have no ambition for money..." makes me feel good about myself because I now think that's a good quality.)

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Leave the past in the past?

A common thing you hear people say when they get into a stressful situation in a relationship is, "Let's just let the past stay in the past and move forward..."

Sounds great. 

But I was just thinking...what do we consider..."past"?

Imagine I say to my husband,"I f'in hate you! You suck! Go to h-e-double-hockeysticks!" and stomp off.

Two minutes later, he comes to me and says, "Hey, that was really hurtful, why'd you say that?"

What if I would turn to him, and say..."Why do you have to keep bringing up the past? Let's leave the past in the past, OK?"

Although it would technically be in the past (by 2 minutes)...that would be ludicrous, wouldn't it?

But what if he came to me... 

2 hours later?
2 days?
2 weeks?
2 months?
2 years?

...with the same question, "Why'd you say that to me? That was really hurtful."

Just when would it be appropriate for me to say, "It's in the past let's just let bygones be bygones," and why?

See, I don't think that offenses in relationships are about time...they're about resolution...because if something has gone wrong in a relationship and has not been resolved then even if it happened 20 years ago...if it's still disturbing's still current. It's not in the past.

Issues aren't either in the present or the past...they're either resolved or unresolved. And, the only way to move forward out of a conflict is to resolve it...

When I was a kid the way I was dealt with when I had conflict with my parents was I was sent to my room. Then, whatever it was was never brought up again. This left me with a lotta' unresolved junk to deal with thru my adult years, and I feel like, for the most part, I've finally (at age 46) done it.

I was sorta' trained that way, and in many ways I'm more comfortable just running from issues, but ultimately, I can't ever let things linger. I can't be at peace while a conflict is still "alive".

I think the best thing we can do for our kids is to teach them how to communicate effectively at all times - even in conflict. 

That means we have to let them yell back at us. We have to let them say, "No!" We have to let them say, "I hate you!" and help them work thru their big feelings until they know how to express themselves in mature, effective ways.

We have to teach them, by example, and thru counsel things like... 

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger." Prov. 15:1


"Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." Ephesians 4:26,27


"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same." Luke 6:32, 33

Otherwise, what we will raise are children who when they have conflict with someone, they'll keep the "I hate you!" thoughts bottled up inside, letting the sun go down on their anger over and over telling themselves they're "keeping it in the past"

And then...when they finally let the anger come out, they will have to start from a an adult. And, if they've married someone with similar (lacking) skills...they won't grow up...they'll end up divorcing...

Train your kids up right, folks. Train them to be able to resolve conflicts because conflicts...they will always have in all phases of life. How you train them to deal with it will determine how many they stuff into their baggage and drag along with them till the day they die...

Monday, January 19, 2015

Sad fact: I will be forgotten

“Augustus, perhaps you’d like to share your fears with the group.”
“My fears?”
“I fear oblivion,” he said without a moment’s pause. “I fear it like the proverbial blind man who’s afraid of the dark.”

~ Augustus Waters, "The Fault in Our Stars" 

I had an experience yesterday that's not letting me settle...won't let me stop thinking... 

It was my oldest daughter's wedding. Everything had been beautiful, with the appropriately timed tears. 

After the ceremony as we were preparing for photos, the photographer said something that sorta' snuck up behind me and threw a phone cord around my neck and choked away all my emotional control. 

She said, "Let's get a picture of you with your mom and dad."

I felt totally helpless like you do when you feel like you're about to throw up and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it...Or, like how you'd feel if you were being choked by a madman!

I had to excuse myself and was soon not even able to catch my breath.

See...shortly before my daughter's 11th birthday in 1998 her real dad...who I'd been with since I was 16...was hit by a jackknifed tractor trailer on his way to work...and killed. 

That boy/man who was there when I was 17 and just found out my life was over because I was still in HS and pregnant...the one who was there with me those 36 hours of labor...the one who was there when she was born...the one who took care of her when she was a baby...the one who cared for her as a single dad while I was away being the loser I was for 3 years...he...wasn't there. 

He'd been denied that privilege. 

There was a song that was popular on the radio back in 1998...

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said
"I'm not sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over

Gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses

17 years ago...whenever that song came on it would make me cry because I would think about how "someday"...he wouldn't be there. 

And, someday finally happened. 
It was yesterday. 
He wasn't there...

I really did NOT want to be upset at that moment. 

It was my daughter's wedding! It was her day! A happy time!
And! I might be 45 but I'm still a girl. I didn't want to look awful for pictures for either me or for my daughter's sake. I had taken a lot of time to do my make up and I did not WANT to be crying. Not at all. 

Plus...I remarried 2 1/2 yrs later and so since my daughter was 13 she's had a dad in her life and he was standing right there next to her...waiting to smile for a picture with the daughter he'd just walked down the aisle...wondering what the heck was wrong with me and why I was falling apart?

I got a grip as fast as I could. 

But then...something else I didn't expect happened...

I felt like people...were upset...AT me...
Not for me. Not with me. 
At me,

Everyone who saw my tears, which I had no control over and was fighting, were upset with me for being upset. I felt like they found it disrespectful to my husband and an unhappy intrusion on what was supposed to be a happy occasion.

One person upon finding out what I was actually crying about  actually said, disgusted, "That's what you're crying about?" 

Now...I totally appreciate that everyone wanted my live husband to not feel bad. one was interested in the fact that the bride's "real" dad was missing this moment! And that I...for those moments...cared! Everyone just wanted me to let it go. To stop. To just...freakin' stop.


I think what if it had been me? 

What if it had been me who died in 1998? What if yesterday had happened and...some other lady would have been standing there smiling for that picture and...really? No one would have batted an eye? 

No one would have remembered me

And, really? If the surviving spouse would have dared take 5 minutes to remember me...everyone would have been irritated with him for it?

How can anyone in the world who is currently OK with this? 

Am I the only one bothered by this? 

Do I suffer from some bizarre condition that only freaks have?

I remember how after he died back in 1998, it hit me that now...he was part of history. He had nothing left to do. He was just like Abraham Lincoln or George Washington. Just a part of history...and that the only thing about him that would remain would be the things we remember about him or do "in his name." I suppose that's why people name libraries and start foundations in loved one's keep part of them alive.

I have talked to my husband about it and he, too, thought it was weird that there was no mention of the dead father whatsoever. Nothing like a simple photo frame by the entrance by the wedding bulletins with a picture of him and her when she was little in memoriam. Nothing like a little note at the bottom of the bulletin anywhere mentioning him. 

At the wedding it was as though this man who in life, would have killed or died for her, just never existed.

So, again I think about it, "What if it was me who'd died?" 

I know what if. I'm seeing it. I'm seeing what my family would do...and to think that...if I family would be offended by me being remembered and mourned for 5 minutes at my child's hurts. It hurts that THAT is reality. That is this world. That is life after death. 

It's not even just that I will be forgotten because people naturally forget...but people will come to a point where they will insist on forgetting and insist on other people forgetting, too.  

And, then I look at my "live" husband...and feel said and wonder for him? He's currently got a 13, 11, 9 and 6 year old that we've made together. So...what about that 11 year old daughter? I look at her and imagine if he died "today" and imagine her getting married someday...and me feeling sad for his loss that day...and someone asking me, "That's what you're upset about?"

It hurts. It just freakin' hurts.

What the heck?

“There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I guess I can't get over that this is real life. That this is my future. All that makes me "me" is going to just be...gone. Forgotten. And, at a certain point, even those who do remember will not be welcome to do that remembering.

There is no remembrance of earlier things; 
And also of the later things which will occur... 

...There will be for them no remembrance
Among those who will come later still.
Ecclesiastes 1

This is a world I'm not OK with.

...and it will come to pass

Funny one son said to me tonight about this, "You're having an existential crisis." Suddenly...when he said it this way...this all felt..."cool." 


Thursday, January 8, 2015

Pharmacy and the love of God

I was just thinking...

Pull in to a pharmacy. What is the main purpose of a pharmacy?

noun: pharmacy; plural noun: pharmacies
  1. a store where medicinal drugs are dispensed and sold.
    • the science or practice of the preparation and dispensing of medicinal drugs.

The main purpose of a pharmacy is to dispense drugs with the aim of healing, right? Things to make you better when you're sick, right?

You get go to the doctor...he diagnoses you, writes ya a prescription and first thing you do then is you go to the pharmacy to get your medication to help you get better. Right?

But...walk down another aisle. What will you find offered to you?

Junk food.
Beer/liquor (depending on the state)

All things that promote (to some degree)...illness. 

So, you go there...for healing...and are offered things that help you get sick...

And, the things that make you better can sometimes be hindered by the use of the other things that are offered for you there. (like some drugs are negatively effected by drinking sodas or alcohol while on the drug.)


I believe the pharmacy is not the only thing to fall victim to this cycle.

Pull in to a Church. What is their main purpose?

They offer support groups for all kinds of things.
They offer hope for the lonely and hurting.
They tell you you are loved and you're never alone.
They tell you there is hope!
They tell you that God forgives freely without punishing you and that you don't have to do anything to receive this forgiveness!
They tell you that it's all about your heart toward God and that He sees your heart (the why of what you do) and that the mistakes you make don't "matter" to Him because even your good works are "like a filthy rag".
They tell you God is available to you 24/7 and that you are to take everything to Him! 

Then, you walk down another "aisle" and you find the very things that make you "sick."

You can go to just about any church in the country and attend Sunday School classes that teach you things that lead you or people in your family to end up feeling lonely, hurting, unloved, hopeless, unforgivable, obsessed with proving themselves through works, and like God is so disappointed to them that He won't have anything to do with them.

These are things offered at the church that, like the candy, beer, and cigarettes at the pharmacy, will interfere with the real medicine (love of Jesus) from being able to heal you...and instead lead you into anxiety, depression, and all sorts of relationship issues.

Churches...are basically out there very spiritually...tearing individuals and families apart...then opening their doors to offer healing for those torn apart people.

It's a ridiculous cycle that needs to stop. 

But, my fear is that "the frogs have been so long in the hot water they don't know they're being boiled alive" so nothing will change until something totally earth shattering happens.

(Most Christians have bought into all the doctrines and teachings that are destroying us all so much so that even if they can agree that certain things are wrong, they believe those things so strongly they can't give them up.)

Jeremiah 6:14
“They have healed the brokenness of My people superficially, Saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ But there is no peace.

When I searched pharmacy pics for this post...I found this and it seemed to fit me... ;)

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