How to Teach Forgiveness

I had an experience the other night that has left me troubled and unsettled. I have that feeling one might have if you walked out of a store (by accident) and had an item in your cart that you didn't actually pay for. (Now, some might feel triumphant having accidentally stolen something and in that case…I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Christians right now.) What I am talking about is that troubling feeling that something is owed. I have that feeling. Only, the thing I owe isn't an item I accidentally took, it is an offense I caused against another person.

I dropped my 17 year old off at soccer practice and explained to him that I'd be a few minutes late getting him and not to worry. The reason I'd be late is because at the time he was to be picked up I'd be just exiting gymnastics with 2 of his little sisters. That time came (which was 7:30), and we exited. And, rather than driving the 1/4 mile over to the soccer field, I totally spaced it out. Yep. I drove to Lowe's and casually looked at some plants. I drove home and casually ate some food and started cleaning out one of the fish tanks. La la la. Around 8:30 my older son walks into the room and asks, "Where's Josi?"

Panic! Horror! It was an hour ago that he was to be picked up! It was already dark! And, I had noticed when he got out of the van when I let him out that he'd forgotten his cell phone!

I ran to my van and did my best to not speed while I pushed every limit to get there as fast as I could.

He said the guys had continued playing soccer until about sundown (which was after 8) and that he'd actually turned down an offer of a ride home because I'd already warned him I'd be a few minutes late! Ughh! But, after about a half hour and it becoming completely dark, he figured I'd actually forgotten and he'd started walking home. When I found him he was about 1/2 mile into his walk and the guilt was terrible! I pulled over, heart racing, feeling sick in my stomach, feeling ashamed...expecting and almost wishing for an angry face and some yelling or some scolding, but, he smiled and laughed that I'd forgotten. He didn't seem to feel any need to "punish" me at all for this. 

He forgave me for forgetting.

This is supposed to be awesome, isn't it? Forgiveness? It's what Jesus did for us on the cross, right? But, I don't feel "free" to BE forgiven for it. Something inside me feels the need to suffer before I can feel OK about what I did.

For the Christian this is probably one of the most important things to comprehend. Yet, do we? We evangelize and try to get people to recite that sinner's prayer all the time to be forgiven, but, yet do we actually comprehend "forgiveness" at all in the church?

Let's look at verses about "forgiveness" and see…

- - -

Psalm 130:4
But there are punishment and consequences with You, that You may be feared.

Psalm 130:7
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, because with the Lord there are consequences and with him there is unlimited punishment

Psalm 14:9
The wise make fun of guilt, but there is forgiveness among permissive people.

Matthew 18:21
Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you to forgive him because he should experience consequences, I do not say to to repay him up to seven times, but to repay him up to seventy times seven."

Matthew 26:28
for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the beginning of the forgiveness of sins.

Mark 1:4
John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness preaching a baptism of experiencing consequences and punishments for the forgiveness of sins.

Luke 1:76-78
"And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare His ways; to give His people the knowledge of salvation by the experiencing of consequences because of their sins,"

Acts 26:18
[I am sending you] to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive punishment for their sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me.

Hebrews 10:18
This is the covenant that I will make with them. After those days, says the Lord; I will put My laws upon their heart, and on their mind I will write them. And, their sins and their lawless deeds I will punish them for." Now where there is punishment for these things, there is no longer any offering for sin.
- - -

Oh wait!

That's not what the Bible says, is it? I altered those verses…didn't I?! 

We all know that "it's by grace we've been saved thru faith and that's nothing we did it is the gift of God…" Right? We all know that, don't we?

I think we all know that like a skinny lady "knows" she's not fat. Our minds tell us one thing but our hearts are convinced of another...

God wrote the Bible. Therefore it was His idea to refer to Himself as our "Father" and we His "children". He chose this purposely. Romans 1 says so. And, Romans 1 says that we're supposed to learn lessons from everything He's made and to not learn makes Him mad! So, a few lessons this analogy could teach us are for one...we are supposed to be able to look at our own interactions with our own children and learn about God. And, we are supposed to be able to look at our own interactions with God and learn how to be a parent.

When we look at those verses without me messing them up...we see how God parents His children when they're naughty…

- - -

Psalm 130:4
But there is forgiveness with You, that You may be feared.

Psalm 130:7
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, because with the Lord there is mercy and with him there is unlimited forgiveness

Psalm 14:9
Stubborn fools make fun of guilt, but there is forgiveness among decent people.

Matthew 18:21
Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, " I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

Matthew 26:28
for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins.

Mark 1:4
John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.

Luke 1:76-78
"And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare His ways; to give His people the knowledge of salvation by the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God."
- - -

Which way do you parent? Are you more like those first verses that I altered or like the ones you just read?

When your kids are naughty do you…forgive them or do you...take their cell phones? 
Do you forgive them or do you...take their favorite toys? 
Do you forgive them or do you...make them go to bed without supper? 
Do you forgive them or do you...ground them? 
Do you forgive them or do you...take their car keys?
Do you forgive them or do you...hit/spank them? 

I'm almost positive that if you're like me...your mind says, "Yeah! But, kids NEED to have consequences!"

Uh huh. Yep. 
THINK about this!  
Our minds have been totally warped by the world and how we were raised.

God is the one who told us that the way we raise kids up…when they're old they won't depart from it.

Check this verse out...

- - -

Acts 26:18
[I am sending you] to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me. 

- - -

Until we're able to receive forgiveness…we're in darkness and in the dominion of Satan. Until we're able to RECEIVE forgiveness we're still in darkness and in the dominion of Satan.

Do you realize what that means, really?

My son forgave me for forgetting to pick him up, but, I can't RECEIVE that. I can't accept that. Something in me…that was trained as a child that when I messed up I got hurt…I got a butt whacking or something taken from me…SOMEHOW I PAID for what I'd done…that's still in me. That training that I'm obligated to PAY for what I've done prevents me from RECEIVING forgiveness for even small things like being late to pick up my son from soccer…when he's not even mad!

Is this in my head? No. I believe him that he's not mad. But, in every other cell of my body I feel like I need to "pay" for this somehow.

The reason for this is simple: this was how my parents trained me by giving me consequences and punishments. I am old now but I have not gone far from that.

Parents who are striving to not use punishment are usually accused by punishers of being, "permissive" and that those kids will run wild…but…re-read the verses about forgiveness. What kind of parent is God? Clearly, He forgives. Clearly, He knows best how to raise kids. And, clearly, He does not "spank" us. He forgives us. And, this forgiveness for "sins" is supposed to set us free, release us from darkness, and release us from satan's power…

And, He is our example how to live.

He is our example how to parent.

And, when we fail to follow His example, our children end up unable to receive forgiveness. We end up raising kids who overwork themselves to earn our love...to earn God's love. We raise kids who are too hard on themselves. And, we raise kids who live in constant "stress" which ultimately makes their bodies sick...

So many parents…and people who follow the teachings of people like the Pearl's in, "To Train up a Child", think that they're helping to ensure the salvation of their children. They think that they're parenting like God. They think that they're doing right. But, when they train up their child to expect punishment for wrongdoing, they are ensuring that their children remain in darkness and in the dominion of satan because of their inability to receive forgiveness.

The only way to raise up children who can receive forgiveness is to raise them in such a way that they do not expect to be punished for doing wrong.

Somehow, I am sure that I will find a way to "punish" myself for having forgotten to pick up Josi. I'll either buy him something or make him his favorite meals for a while. Or, once something bad happens to me I'll feel released. But, until then…darkness and satan have a power over me that Jesus died to release me from. AND...the other way that darkness "has me" is that I expect payment for sin from myself...and others. Being raised in a punitive environment makes it so that when people "sin" against you...you need to see them suffer before you can forgive them...That isn't God's way, either... :(

The "rod" of Bible times was a weapon that the shepherds carried and used on predators. If a shepherd were to have struck his fragile sheep with that weapon it would have only hurt and weakened the sheep and therefore made it easier for a predator to get that sheep. Turning on your children and using the rod on the…spiritually…insures the same thing.

Hebrews 10:18
This is the covenant that I will make with them. After those days, says the Lord; I will put My laws upon their heart, and on their mind I will write them. And, their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more." Now where there is forgiveness of these things, there is no longer any offering for sin.

The Biblical Rod:

I'm a little teacup judging loud!

So, I was at Disney yesterday...and learned a few lessons...about me...and one...I just have to mention...

It was close to 11pm...I had been scorched by 100º weather, rained on, tidal-waved by "Splash Mountain", peed on, and we're heading past the teacup ride...whatever it's actually called I forget...and my grouchy-been-crying-all-day 6-year old and my waaaay tired 4-year old light up and want to ride. Fine. It's only a 5 minute wait. So, we get in line.

They sorta' herd the "right amount of people" into this gated area and that's the people who go in each time there's a turn. When the gates open for the next group to go in and get on the cups we managed to be last going in and I'm not very aggressive/pushy so by the time we made it to the other side of the ride-area all the tea cups were "full". Full...as in there were like 2 people in each cup. I was finding it very annoying and rude that people were "hogging the cups" like that...but...I walked with the girls back to the holding area to wait for the next round.

The attendant sees me coming back and approaches the nearest cups with just 2 in each where it's obviously a group of four. I can see him talking to them and he turns and walks away and said, "You'll have to wait for the next round."

"Wow!" I thought. If that wasn't the epitome of rudeness!
(Isn't epitome a weird-looking word!?)

So, I stood there and commented to the lady standing next to me about how rude those people are. She looked at the mom in 1 cup with 1 kid and the dad in the other cup with 1 cup...with them smiling and waving at each other and she jumped on my bandwagon with me, "Yeah! Some people!"

So rude!

So, I smugly stood there in my un-rude self-righteousness and watched the tea cups go round and round. I thought, "I oughta' take a picture of them and post it on fb and maybe someone would know them and I could shame these rude people!"

THEN...I see it.

The dad...was in a cup with a boy of about 5 years old and they...were spinning like mad! Like Mad Hatters in tea cups! And, the mom...was holding...a 1-year old. Not spinning. Just sitting, holding, adoring, and smiling. One of the few few rides one can get on with a 1 year old at Disney.

Hmmm.

"Judge not lest you be judged!"
"Get that log out of your own eye before you worry about that other guy's splinter!"
"Let he who has no sin cast the first stone."

Jesus really shoulda' said something like that in the Bible so I'd know better than to act like that, huh?

Yeah.

Well, the message did hit me right away and I felt ashamed and stupid for my rash judgment of these people...and I even said something to the lady who had joined my bandwagon and she too was like, "ohhhhh..." Yeah.

I have had this lesson probably a quarter of a thousand times. (People don't say that. Isn't that funny? 25 is a quarter of 100 when talking money...250k is a quarter of a million...but...we don't say quarter of a thousand. Probably too much math. ;)) But, I have had that lesson at least that many times. So, I'm SURE that this time that lesson stuck, right?

30 seconds later the ride is over and I hear the lady who was on my bandwagon with me fussing with her husband about one of the kids. She gruffly says, "I'm just tired of this! He's not riding this! Take him out to the entrance!" and then the son is taken away protesting and crying with his dad while mom gets on the ride with the daughter. And, I thought, "Hmph...what is her problem? It's 11pm for Pete's sake give the kid a break! I bet she spanks her kids, too..." and on it went for a few seconds in my mind thinking about how rotten of a mom this lady was...

Hmmmm.

Guess I will need another quarter of a thousand lessons on not judging till I finally get it mastered...

:(

"That was bad!"

I just observed something that happened between 2 of my kids that made me think…I looked on the surveillance camera for the pool and could see the 6 year old holding her finger up at the 3 year old and the 3 year old standing there with her head down. The other kids came in and told me that she was telling her that "she was bad". 

Where did she learn to do that? Where did she learn to get in someone's face who was bugging her (being naughty) and tell them they were being bad? 

Obviously, she learned it from me. :(

And, obvious to me seeing her do it is how wrong it is for me to have ever done it.

Everyone knows one thing...that you're supposed to tell your kids that what they did was bad and not that they were bad. Sure. But, I think that even even telling our kids that what they did was bad is…bad. 

Why is that…bad…and what should be done instead?

Here's an experience I had when I was about 5…

I had a kiddie pool in the yard. I had a very "cautious" mom who didn't want me to drown so she only put like 2 inches of water in the bottom. I wanted it to be fuller. I noticed that when I got in the water the water rose. "Hey! I know! I'll put ROCKS and PEBBLES and stuff in the water and that will make the water get deeper! Yes!!!"

So, that's what I did. But, rather than raising the level of that nice clean water it just made the water get all muddy and dirty! So, I realized that this was not working out and went and got my mom. And, when my mom saw it, I was in a heap of trouble. I was bad. I was told that what I did was bad. The pool was emptied and taken from me as punishment.

Was I bad? Was what I did "bad"? 

No. 

What I did was out of both ignorance and intelligence. I understood something about water displacement but was too immature to think past that. I wasn't bad. I was immature. What I did wasn't bad. It was immature. And, actually, it was good. It showed my brain was working. I'd detected a scientific principle, and attempted to use that knowledge to solve a "problem" I had. 

But, from my mom's perspective…she'd gotten me this nice clean new pool and put nice clean water in it and she came out and saw that it was all muddy and dirty and one big mess and added that all up and it =ed I was "being bad" and needed to "learn a lesson" (be punished). (And, ya can't hardly blame her! Did she have AP support back then? Did she have Facebook and tons of gentle parenting blogs to follow?)

What if my mom had come out and asked, "Um, what are you doing?" And, I'd have told her. She could have then explained that that's really neat that I noticed that. That it's called water displacement and I'd have nodded, "Uh huh water daplascezes, right" and she could have then asked me to observe how my experiment had turned out. She could have commended me for coming and getting her when I realized I'd made a mistake. She could have asked me why the water got all dirty and muddy. She could have asked me what we could do to fix this new problem? And, let me help clean out the pool and then maybe she could have given me a few more inches of water and walked off and thought, "My what a smart little girl I have." 

But, no. I was told that I was bad and that what I did was "bad". 

What's that mean to a little kid who is learning how to live? That means that the whole process I'd just gone thru in my mind was "bad". I was bad. And, the only thing she really taught me was to NOT take risks and experiment to try to solve my problems. And, she taught me that when I make a mistake I'm gonna get it…gonna get punished AND Mommy won't like me. Mommy will make that angry rejecting face at me if I mess up.

My mom basically observed my behavior and judged me, criticized me for it, inflicted pain on me (punishment), and separated herself from me. And, how many other times did that happened to me over the years...with more grown-ups than just my mom? How many times has it happened to all of us that someone in authority over us observed our behavior…judged it as "bad", criticized us for it, caused us pain or discomfort (punished us), and then they stomped off, unfriended us, or just wouldn't talk to us anymore? You know?   

And, what is the comment "you are bad" really, but, an insult. An attack. But, it's generally only how we speak to children. So, what does the comment "you are bad" or "what you did was bad" turn into when you're a grown-up and dealing with your husband? You dislike what he's just done or not done and if he was 5 you'd say, "You are bad! You've done something very bad!" but what you say to him is, "You're a jerk! I can't believe you did that! So stupid!"

Funny, right? We all know that it's not good, respectful or productive to treat another grown-up that way, but yet, that is how we treat our children who are still learning how to relate to others.

If it would be better for me to say to my husband, "That really hurts me when you do that. I wish you would not do that anymore." then...when my 6 year old draws on the wall or the carpet, rather than tell her how bad it is that she did that…it would be better for me to say to my child, "That really upsets me when you do that. I wish you would not do that anymore." If that is how we want them to grow up and treat others, we have to train them by example to do that from day one...(And, so that when they grow up and their kids think it's nifty to draw on the carpet that they will know how to handle that situation without shame.)

Realize that we are among the "others" that our kids will be someday relating to. If we want our kids to love us and not "rebel" against us and our household rules they have to be trained to look at our "behavior" and ask, "why", and to simply tell us, "I don't like that. It makes me feel ___". If we train them with the "you're bad" methods then then they don't like our rules, they're going to treat us the same way, except teenagers don't speak to grown-ups by telling them they're bad, that's the words we use for kids. For parents, teenagers will use different words inspired by the same philosophy of judging, insulting, hurting/causing discomfort, and separation...

Is it any wonder that teenagers always cry out, "You just don't know me!" Because we misjudge their behaviors and tell them they're bad every time they do something we don't like from day one.

Is it any wonder teenagers then reject us and "rebel"? They're simply doing what we've taught them. They react to our rules and expectations the same way we've looked at and reacted to their behavior their whole life.

And, how confusing of a lesson is it for little kids in a situation like this, "Now, you didn't even tell Miss Casey 'Thank-You' for that lollipop. That was bad!" We force them to do and say these certain things to "teach the respect" all the while we are disrespecting them and then we are so taken aback when they're older and they're disrespectful because yes, they did learn from us exactly what we taught them...

As the mirror is the best revealer of your physical flaws so is the mirror of our children's behavior the best revealer of what our parenting really looks like…

So, today I told my 6 year old that I learned something from her and that I'm not going to tell her "she's bad" or that what she did was bad ever again...