Wives with Knives

I like watching the TV station, "ID" and all the true-crime shows…Last night I was watching, "Wives with Knives" and there was one case involving a woman who'd killed her abusive boyfriend…and the FBI profiler was talking about signs of being an abused woman...and so...the topic of "abused woman" got me thinking…

If you Google, "signs of unhealthy relationship" you find lots of hits with generally the same list of indicators that you are in an abusive relationship…

(obviously the woman can be the abuser but I'm focusing on the ladies as the abused here)

Signs of being in an abusive relationship...

- he uses of physical force when he wants you to do what he wants

- he uses threats of physical force force 

- he will verbally abuse you (speak disrespectfully/impatiently, curse, call names, degrade, criticize)

- you feel afraid to disagree with him

- you feel ignored or dismissed by him

- you feel unheard and unable to communicate what you want

- he is in control (tells you what to do, where to do, what to wear, etc.)

- you have no personal space and have to share everything with him

- you feel isolated

- you feel stifled and trapped

- he makes all the decisions

- he lies to you

- he blames you for all the problems in the house

- you feel pressure to change to meet his standards

- he pushes, shoves, pinches, hits, punches, kicks or otherwise hurts you

- you constantly have to justify what you you, where you go, and who you associate with

- he presss you to do things you're uncomfortable with

- you find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior

So, you have a daughter…and you want her to grow up and marry a man who will love and cherish and respect her and not abuse her (as in the list above). How can you "train" her to recognize this treatment as abusive? How can you train her so that she won't end up as one of those ladies who stays in a relationship with a man who beats her for years and years...hiding her bruises and making excuses for his behavior? How can you protect your daughter from this?

Fortunately, for the Christian parent...God has promised that the way you raise her up she won't depart from when she's older. (for the non-Christian, you simply realize that what you teach your kids sticks with them)

So, what is your daughter learning about love and healthy relationships from her first relationship: the parent/child relationship? 

Is your daughter being taught by your example that a man who truly loves you will not ever:
- physically hurt her
- threaten to hurt her
- speak disrespectfully to her
- control her and make all decisions for her
- violate her privacy
- make her suffer for disagreeing with him
- ignore her
- isolate her
- lie to her
- manipulate her
- expect her to change
- make her do things she's uncomfortable with

That is what we all want, isn't it? We all want our daughters to know this and to never end up in a relationship like this, right?! We all want our daughters protected! So...in our parent/child relationship we are teaching them what healthy relationships look like...and this is the best way to protect her!

In teaching her by example with your love...do you…

- use physical force to get your daughter to do what you want? (does she get a spanking if she doesn't do what you say?)

- do you threaten your daughter to get her to do what you want? (You better stop that or you'll get a spanking!)

- do you yell at your daughter or speak to her disrespectfully? Do you call her names (brat!)? Do you criticize (you ALWAYS spill things!)?

- is your daughter free to argue with you if she disagrees with you...or do you punish her for "back-talking?"

- does your daughter ever cry all alone in her crib ignored and dismissed by you?

- do you decide when your daughter sleeps, gets up, eats, etc? Do you decide everything?

- does your daughter have items you do not interfere with (like a diary)? Do you knock before entering her room or before entering the bathroom if she is in there?

- does your daughter spend time feeling isolated (naughty step, time-out chair)? 

- does your daughter feel free?

- do you lie to your daughter? (Santa Claus is comin' to town! The Elf on the Shelf is watching you!) 

- do you manipulate her with your lies? (And, you better do as I say or Santa won't come!)

- does your daughter feel like she's acceptable as she is or is she pressed to improve/change constantly? (why wasn't that grade an A?)

- do you blame your daughter for problems in the house? (You are stressing Mommy out so bad!)

- do you push, pinch, shove, hit (spank) your daughter to make her do what you want?
- does your daughter have to constantly justify what she's doing and who she's with?

- do you make your daughter do things with her body she's uncomfortable with? (Sit on Santa's lap so I can take a picture while you cry! Kiss Uncle Bob good-bye!)

What lessons about true love are you giving her?

If parents are saying to their daughters that they love them…and that God loves them…and that this is why they do these things with their daughters…there is no way that upon graduating from that first school in life (the girl's parent/child relationship) that she is going to suddenly realize that anything other than being treated this way is "love." 

For your daughter...everything you do with her = love and how someone who loves her will treat her. You are her primary source of love now but one day it will be her husband and she will look for a man who loves her the way you have taught her that love is...

SONS...

And, for your sons…the same list goes in a different way…is your son being taught that to love a woman means to do all those things? Is your son being taught that that's how God expects him to love his family?

And, for both sons and daughters…since earthly parents are the child's first representation of how God is…is this how your children are being taught that God is?

CHALLENGE...

I challenge you to look at each of your interactions with your children today and ask yourself if what you just did or said is a sign of a healthy or abusive relationship. Ask yourself with each of your own interactions with your daughter...how you would feel to see your daughter's husband treat her that way...

Ask yourself if you need to make any changes...because, each child comes into the world with one question, "I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me!" And, everything you do or say to or around your child is answering that question...

HELP CHANGING...

If you find that you feel helpless to parent a child without spanking, threatening to spank, punishing, and controlling...if you find that you have no idea what to do if you don't do those things...click on the tab at the top about "books" and you will find a long list of books which can help you...and there are lots of great blogs out there like, "Aha! Parenting."

Also, you can check out "Olive Branch" on Facebook...which is an community of people who wish to stop spanking (etc.) and parent in a different way...

For testimonies of people who have stopped spanking: Olive Branch Blog